[Dark]

Darkfall

Shadow Fiend: Active
___________

TW: Self-Doubt and Mild Emotional Distress
@Rose because Fallenpaw was missing her brother

As if receiving some type of premonition, Darkfall found himself drawn towards Moonlit Grove. When was the last time he had come here? Well, there was the tom was recently here to help with renovating the defiled graves. But before that? He couldn’t even remember.

Hanging from his jaws were some white flowers (baby’s breath) that he encountered along the way, he hoped who he was visiting would like them. Last time he hadn’t brought them a gift, and it made him feel awful afterward.

It didn’t take him long after entering the burial grounds that he reached the spot where he had buried his sister 10 full moons ago. He only stopped by to visit once since then, and that had been well before he left the clan in search of Moonpaw.

The area surrounding the spot in which his sister was buried had long since begun to start growing a small patch of grass and seeing this caused the warrior to frown. How was it fair that the insignificant life of the grass could thrive but his sister couldn’t?

Letting out a small sigh, Darkfall set down the flowers he found and sat next to them. You could hardly even tell that the spot had once been dug up now, perhaps he’d bring something along to properly mark the grave. Well… he’d think about that next time. It wasn’t particularly easy to find the spot this late at night, but he remembered the burial itself vividly enough to find his way here.

The large tom sat in silence for a long while. The only thing that could be heard was the faint hoots of an owl in the distance and the light rustle of the wind through the leaves. This silent night was perfect for what he wanted to do.

“My dearest Fallenpaw, I hope you can forgive me for neglecting you all of this time,” Darkfall said at long last. Some might think him silly for coming out here in the dead of the night just to, well, talk to the dead. But if someone asked him about it, he’d respond with it being absolutely necessary to do this.

”I… I’ve had a lot going on down here, you know? Things haven’t been so easy these last few moons,” He said into the darkness. ”It still hurts. You and mom being gone, Cinderblaze being dead, our brothers and sister disappearing, and those other few cats I’d begun to feel at ease with going missing or dying as well,” He admitted. The deaths and disappearances of those around him had weighed heavily on him for so long. Fallenpaw had officially been dead longer than she had been alive and Darkfall hated that. He hated that he could do nothing to protect her, and now with Snailpounce’s second litter gone, he was the last surviving member of his family. Or so he thought.

”I’ve been having a lot of nightmares since that border battle too, it usually has you and everyone else telling me about how much of a failure I am and how I’ll never amount to anything…” His voice cracked as he spoke, the emotions he worked so hard to push down beginning to creep up to the surface. ”I know that it’s not real, but I can’t help but think that maybe those shadowy figures in my dreams are right. Maybe… Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe if I had worked harder I would’ve been able to protect you all. Do you think so too?” He asked, turning towards the spot he had lain the flowers. He let out a small laugh ”You’d tell me that I’m being a worrisome elder-butt or something wouldn’t you? I’m sorry, I’ll try to stop worrying about something so silly.”

Maybe he was just overreacting and being silly, but that didn’t change the fact that almost everyone he had grown close to had something bad happen to him. That was why he pushed away Larkfire, to prevent the same from happening to her. Speaking of Larkfire…

”Hey Fallenpaw…? Do you remember Larkfire? She was the one who was with you in your final moments,” The tom began. To this day he couldn’t forgive himself for not being there for his sister when she reached the end of her life, but instead a cat she hardly knew was there, unable to comfort the young she-cat. A sad smile found it’s way onto his lips and he continued.

”I think… I think I love her?” The tone he used was questioning because he wasn’t quite sure what this feeling was. ”For moons now, I haven’t been able to get her off my mind. Like… she’s all I can think about. She and I used to be really close, y’know? We’d joke around and hang out with each other, but… I did something terrible,” He admitted, shaking his head in disappointment. Gosh, this was so embarrassing to actually say all of this out loud, but as he spoke he felt like some of the pressure was easing off of his heart little by little.

Darkfall stopped talking again, the thoughts inside his head were a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. He wasn’t quite sure if he could bring himself to say all that he had done, but it was too late now, wasn’t it? He’d already begun pouring his heart out to the patch of dirt next to him, he might as well finish, right?

”I… I was terrible to her. For so long I would push her away or brush her off when all she did was try to show that she cared for me, y’know? Whenever I was in a bad mood, or when I was upset, it was her that was there to ask me what was wrong,” He let out a long sigh as he recalled his apprenticeship and early warriorhood. Larkfire had been nothing but understanding, and he was constantly keeping her at tail’s length because he didn’t want to communicate his feelings.

”I think some part of me knew about her feelings for me, and maybe that was why I was so scared to let her in,” He could feel moisture making it’s way to his eyes as he spoke. Oh gosh… He was being weak again. ”I was scared, Fallenpaw. I just… I didn’t want anything to happen to her,” he admitted with much reluctance. “After Mom died, you joined her shortly after. Then it was Cinderblaze and sometime after that we had the battle and lost Whisperingwolf, Oliveglow, and Mossfang. Then Mirehound died, then Shadowfur was gone, then our brothers and sister, and then Moonpaw…” He paused, remembering each one of the cats he had started to bond with, no matter how short the moment. ”I… It was like I was cursed or something. Cursed to see everyone I know and love die. That’s why I pushed her away. That’s why I stopped talking to her and did everything I could to avoid her, I couldn’t stand the idea of her meeting that same fate.”

There. He had finally said it. Darkfall finally said the words that he had kept locked deep within his heart for so long, not daring to admit it to even himself. He wiped at his face with a paw and settled into a more comfortable position, this was going to take longer than he expected.

”I didn’t realize it at first. How much I missed her. It was only after meeting Heron in the outskirts while looking for Moonpaw that I truly noticed.” It had been around two moons since he had last seen that she-cat, he wondered how she was doing. ”Heron reminded me a lot of what Larkfire used to be like when we were younger. The playful teasing… laughing at my stupid jokes… listening to what was troubling me. All of it. It didn’t help that they looked similar-ish you know?” Now he was just talking to talk. He knew Fallenpaw couldn’t hear him. She was dead after all, but some part of him wanted to believe that she was right there with him listening in.

”The things I found myself liking that Heron did, made me realize that Larkfire had once done those same things and I just never truly appreciated it.” This was another thing he had never said out loud or truly processed. He had just been using Heron as a replacement Larkfire during the time they spent together, but it didn’t take him long to come to terms with the fact that the loner could never truly be the one his heart desired.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Darkfall waited a long moment before continuing once more.”Truth is Fallenpaw… I miss her. I miss her laugh… I miss her smile and her voice… I miss the way those gorgeous amber eyes seemed to watch my every move… Hell, I miss the way she used to nag me when I was being difficult,” He said that last part with a laugh. He could still clearly remember the time he had fought with Ruepaw and when she caught him sneaking out of the camp, how she tried so hard to convince him to see Elmshadow about his injured shoulder.

His brief moment of amusement quickly turned into one of sorrow and dejection. ”Fallenpaw, I don’t think I can get that back. I really messed up this time.” As he said this, he couldn’t help but think back to those phantoms that haunted his dreams at night. Maybe he was a failure. He had a cat that loved him for so long, and he treated her like little more than crowfood. He was terrible.

At some point, the tom must’ve started crying because his eyes were wet, and his nose runny. Gross. He wiped his nose with the back of a paw before turning to the grave beside him. ”Y’know what Fallenpaw? I’m going to try and fix things between me and her. You’re a female… so what would you do if you were in her paws?” The question, of course, was rhetorical, but that didn’t mean asking it gave him any less closure. If anything getting all of this out into the open made him feel better.

”Well… I figure you won’t have an answer for that, so I’ll come back when I figure it out and update you, how’s that sound?” Darkfall didn’t know how long it’d take, but he was determined to make things up to his former best-friend one way or another. Laying his head in his paws, he closed his eyes. Wow… he was getting tired. He’d been out here for a while now. ”Hey Fallenpaw?" He called into the darkness, voice hardly above a whisper now. "I promise I’ll come by to chat more often. You must've thought I had forgotten you, huh? I'm sorry. I’ve been a horrible big brother, haven’t I?” he asked with a small chuckle before sleep began to engulf him. Just before being completely overtaken, the tom whispered three final words.

"I love you."

He hadn’t said this to her nearly enough while she was still alive, but felt it ever important to remind her of this fact. He loved his sister with all of his heart, and even though she was no longer there with him, he’d never forget her. It was after this that the tom fell asleep right out there underneath the light of the moon and stars, right next to the grave that belonged to the most important cat in his life. For some reason, he had a feeling the nightmares that had plagued him since well before his warrior ceremony wouldn’t bother him tonight.

[Whoops I didn’t indeed for this to be so long, but y’know what… I’ll leave this open]