[anika]

 

Originally Posted by Lillith

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Fallownose
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He barely registered the feeling of the snowflakes brushing against his pelt as he made his way to Starry Meadows. Fallownose's paws were numb and despite his fur being fluffed up the chill still seeped past his pelt and into his bones. With leaf-bare in full swing he hadn't been able to bring any flowers with him. Still, despite the snow covering the meadow and making everything look relatively the same, his paws led him to the same spot. He could probably find it with his eyes closed at this point.

Fallownose shook his pelt, scattering snowflakes even though he knew more would soon stick to him. With a quiet sigh he brushed some snow aside until he could see the grass. He paused for a moment, indecisive, before deflating as he sunk down onto his belly. The shock of the cold caused Fallownose to flinch, but it quickly faded to numbness as he tucked his paws underneath him.

He didn't know how long he laid there silently, lost in his thoughts. Fallownose glanced up at the sky as the snow continued to gently fall before his gaze returned to the ground in front of him. He had never spoken before, because then it would be real. Sitting in silence had always been enough for the deputy, but it wouldn't be anymore. It couldn't be. And he knew he was weak, for many others had lost more than he had. Stars, what would Twilightstar thing of him if she saw him now? After all she had been through, and here he was mourning while she continued to run an entire Clan.

"Berryfrost..." he started, voice raspy from the cold. "I don't... I can't." And it was true, wasn't it? Because Fallownose never could. "You should still be alive. Someone should have noticed. Cowtuft should have noticed. But no one did, and I don't know why. I don't know why he didn't trust me enough to tell me that he brought death berries into camp. I don't know how he didn't notice that some of them were missing. I don't how seven cats died and Peachfrost was exiled."

And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? Fallownose didn't know. He never knew. He didn't know Berryfrost was getting poisoned. He didn't know how angry Peachfrost would be. He didn't know where Bravebird had been after the fire. He didn't know where Basilkit, Ruekit, Thymekit, and Nettlekit were. He didn't know where Hazykit was. What did that say about him, that he never knew these things? If he had paid more attention, could he have stopped it? Could he have done something?

"I feel like I died too and they forgot to bury me with you. I've gone through the motions of doing my job, of being a good deputy, but I'm really not. I don't feel like it, at least. I don't feel much anymore. And the worst part is I think I might prefer that."

Fallownose paused, sucking in a shaky breath. These past few moons had been hard. Not just for him, but for everyone in WindClan. And yet here he was, taking time to himself while everyone else worked their asses off for the Clan. He knew he was pathetic. Fallownose didn't know what Twilightstar saw in him when she chose him for deputy all those moons ago. And he had to wonder if she was regretting it now.

"At what point is no longer worth it?" he whispered, turning his gaze to to the sky once more. He wanted to believe that StarClan was everything he had been told as kit. That Berryfrost was happy up there. And yet they had chosen ThunderClan after all the wrongs they had done to WindClan. There really was nothing left, was there?

"I'm sorry for disappointing you, daughter. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I'm mostly sorry that you're gone and I'm not. I'm sorry that I've been so selfish and you're probably blaming yourself even though nothing is your fault. I'm sorry that I haven't been the deputy WindClan deserves and I'm sorry that there is no one left who cares."

Fallownose's words came out in a rush, and his chest was heaving slightly by the end. And despite it all he still didn't know how to feel. Better or worse? He wasn't sure that he would know what better was if Twilightstar hit him over the head with it. But then again, could it be worse than it was? He could be Dawnstar, so probably. But still.

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

And for the first time in a long time, Fallownose cried.

Rabbitspring
WindClan Warrior - 32 Moons
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Rabbitspring had appeared in the meadow just in time to hear the Deputy's sobs.

The warrior felt her eyes widen. It was rare that an ordinary warrior caught a High Rank so upset. Rabbitspring padded over quietly.

''Fallownose?'' The WindClan she-cat called softly, sitting down beside the WindClan Deputy.

''Are you alright...?'' Rabbitspring placed her tail tip comfortingly atop of Fallownose's shoulder.