[Estelle]

How long had it been? Nightshiver could swear she hadn’t been counting, too distracted with life. She could swear she had pushed the feelings aside, forgotten all about them – locked them away, never to be seen again. So why. Why was she walking this familiar path, once again, under the cover of darkness? 22 moons. How it has been. Almost 22 moons, the number came to her, and she knew it was right. 22 moons since she failed them.

Few in ShadowClan knew; none, even, if she did not count the imposing leader. Few knew she hadn’t always been the clan’s forever queen – that once upon a time, she had a different reason to be within the nursery. This thought made her paws tingle uncomfortably. Once, she had been pregnant. Expecting a single first and only litter, all on her own.

She was alone, then, the litter the result of a tom she dared never see again – a place she still dreaded, every day of her life. The cages. The darkness. The violence. She shuddered in place; she hadn’t even known she’d been expecting when she left that place – and for the better. She did not know what they could have done had they known.

No one was here. Only the sound of critters filled the night, the moon as the night’s single light source – covered by the branches of nearby trees, even Nightshiver was difficult to spot. Her light steps carried her to a specific tree, head hung low. Without a word, she dropped a single flower on a far too small grave.

You see; to those who did remember her pregnancy, she had had but one kit. A small darling, gentle and quiet – pale, much like herself. Bunnykit. Disappeared alongside Stonedawn, her father – though none knew about their relation. None knew the truth, except for Dawnstar, who did not pose a single question on the matter. And somewhere, Nightshiver was grateful for it.

Only Dawnstar knew Bunnykit was adopted. Only Nightshiver knew Bunnykit had been Stonedawn’s biological daughter – abandoned by her own mother. Only Nightshiver and Stonedawn knew that they found Bunnykit on their way back from burying her kits. All those moons ago, in a dark and lonely corner of the nursery; no one noticed the mother silently wallowing her three kits’ lives, lost before they could breathe.

Taking in Bunnykit. Raising her, best she could, protecting her, or trying to. Everyone assuming Bunnykit was her own. She did it for him, to help him, to not break the child’s heart even if it broke her own. It still did. It still hurt. She did not know if StarClan was granting her freedom from the kits she never wanted, or punishing her for actions she should have thought through.

Maybe it was for the best. But even then, she was a hypocrite. Maybe they took her kits because StarClan did not deem her capable of caring for kits – so then, why did they ever let her find Bunnykit? So they could take her, too? She was the lone forever queen of the nursery, now, after Deppledleaf’s untimely demise. A forever queen who did not want her own, who could not care for her own, who failed to be a mother.

Even when she swore to care for them. To love them. To protect them. StarClan still took her children in their embrace, and away from her – her children. She had never thought of them as such before. But that is what they were. Her children. Her children who did not live, who are unknown to all of ShadowClan.

Tears filled her eyes. She couldn’t help it. She’d been smiling, going about her day as normal. But ever since the Darkfall and Larkfire’s kits’ birth – ever since the close call that was Gloomkit, since the tears she softly spilled that day, the young kits’ disappearance. She couldn’t help it. She couldn’t ignore them anymore.

“I’m sorry…”

She whispers. Head hung low, hunched over the small graves.

“I am… so.. so..sorry. I.. co..could not… be.. be…”

She couldn’t finish the sentence, a small hiccup forming in her throat as the sight of them wandered in her mind’s eye. Her kids. Her babies. Her children – her darlings.

“I’m.. sorry.”


[ @Dark ]