[Fish]

“If you must wait, Wait for them here in my arms as I shake”


Spottedpaw had found comfort in Firestorm when she found no one else in the clan that was willing to pay attention to her. She had been cursed by awful dreams lately that tried to tell her that she was alone so she decided to talk to the one person who knew she existed. That she wasn’t just another face passing by among the crowd. A nameless cat that one wouldn’t notice if they disappeared one day.

Thankfully Firestorm was willing to listen to her when complaining about this, about how the clan was ignoring her. Yer she knew she wasn’t telling the whole truth in her pain, she was watering it down, dancing awkwardly around what she really wanted to talk about. Bravery grew as she got comfortable in conversations, Spottedpaw was close to talking to Firestorm about something very important, something that really needed to be said—to be addressed. Then it happened.

Firestorm was starting the kitting process. Spottedpaw had a hint of an idea that this was happening though she had never seen this before, an educated guess. Then she asked for burnet. Having hovered around Firestorm and as a consequence, Lightningstorm as well, she learned what that was meant for. “I’ll be right back Mommy! Stay strong!” She said before running out of the den to get her adopted mothers mate. Suppose she was technically her mother too but..


Spottedpaw stayed to watch the whole thing. It was really eye opening, honestly Spottedpaw didn’t know her eyes could get that wide or stay open for so long. This was somehow more shocking than seeing a dead body for the first time. Something stirred in Spottedpaw’s heart as she watched the kits be born. Something beneath shock and queasiness from watching this for the first time.

“If you must weep, Do it right here in my bed as I sleep”

Mommy, you are growing weak..


Please..





There was just so much blood. Something that she wished she would never have to see again in her life. A vow of pacifism to not see it, to not bring it in the world was something she silently swore but.. The one cat she care the most about in this world was losing so much of it.

What was worse, to watch someone you love die in front of you, or to know that you would now gone on the rest of your life unloved.

Spottedpaw wouldn’t ever truly know as both came to her at once.

She wanted to scream at the sight of all the blood and beg.. Plead… Anything! But all this apprentice could do was watch in silent horror as she watched the fire in her mother drain away slowly. The only thing to comfort her were the ceaseless tears.


“If you must mourn, my love mourn with the moon and the stars up above”


Then her mother looked back at her with such a weak look. Did mommy know how she looked right now? A joke, a gentle smile. Her mother, despite all this fear, was willing to make light. Her mother wanted to still be the light of her life while her own slowly drained away. “Yes mommy...” She managed to choke out while trying her best to retain her composure. “I love you mommy, I’ll smile for you forever, ok?” She said as she forced herself to smile. Just please, if I could ask you for anything and nothing again. Stay with me mom…




I love you too much to say goodbye.

Goodbyes should never be left without knowing you can see them again, say it forever without it being the last time.

This is how it should be.

This is how the universe could be good.

Yet it did not care.



Hearing the yelling of Lightningstorm was almost too much for Spottedpaw. It was almost enough to break the armor the young apprentice has learned to build up over these moons. Yet the words of her mother rang through her head.. Smile like this. She wouldn’t

But… It seemed like lightningstorm was too powerful of a foe. Her greatest enemy without never knowing it. How awful, how humorous. The universe just wanted her to remember..



You are alone.



"She just wanted a family..."



Spottedpaw crouched down as her smile died. Her ears pinned back, trying to get as small as she could so that she could hide from the medicine cat’s grief. Did they.. Was Spottedpaw’s fear about her mother correct? It seemed like Lightningstorm let out the secret that Spottedpaw was slowly coming to realize.



You may adopt a mother all you want, Spottedpaw, that doesn’t mean she will love you.



Lightingstorm was supposed to be her mother as well given Firestorm was her mate but yet she still speaks of just wanting a family. Spottedpaw wanted to bolt as fast as she could. That meant that all this time she wasn’t considered family. An unwanted kit was always meant to be unwanted. Who would ever want the leftovers? The crowfood replacement of a true family. Of true blood. If this wasn’t the case, why did Lightningstorm say that? Why did Firestorm start to forget about her?

Spottedpaw could have died right there just from grief—From heartbreak. At least then she wouldn’t have to continue on this pathetic life that she called her own. “M..Mommy..” Spottedpaw muttered out tearfully.

She wanted to scream at her. To ask her why. To tell her to get back up. Yet she found no strength to do this. All these could feel was grief and betrayal… And.. Jealousy. Jealousy that these kits were born, and hatred to them. Why couldn’t she have been one of those lucky vermin? To only have one mother was better than to have none. Even better than to be lied about being loved.

Spottedpaw couldn’t figure out what she wanted to do. So instead she stayed low to the ground like the pathetic rag she was as she questioned everything about her life. What was she supposed to do now? To do without going on without this lie she deluded herself with.

A tearful glance towards Lightningstorm as she screamed gave her no answers. She doubted Lightningstorm would love her. Not after losing her mate to these kittens. Not after never a conversation being said between the two of them. Spottedpaw needed to live through this world on her own. It was the only person she could rely on to not lie to her.


Goodbye Mommy, I wish you could have loved me.











“If you must mourn, don't do it alone”

@Dark @stag @Poprock @naiad @Weekend-Wondering @Alchemist Kitsune @taillow @Starfall @SuspicousMindz