[Dolomedes]

Rabbitpaw
He/him | WC Apprentice Tunneler | Moons: 7 | Purrks: None | Part Manx cat
TW: Anxiety attacks, self-deprecation, light discussions of death

Rabbitpaw slowly sat down as he looked at the mink that was offered to him but he wasn't hungry at the moment and didn't move to eat any of it even if that felt rude and he felt guilty for declining. He felt almost sick with the whole situation if that made sense, it wasn't like he was sick with like a cough and stuff but he felt bad about it and thinking about how Lightningpaw probably hated him and would hate him for forever made him feel nauseous. He closed his green hues and just listened, not wanting to stare at anything that would make him feel worse for a plenty of reasons. Rabbitpaw was such a screw up at times wasn't he? He wasn't good enough to help against the minks and he was why his deputy was dead, why Riverclan attacked Windclan, why Windclan cats turned against their own during that meeting. There was a reason that he couldn't yet understand why Starclan cursed him. And that was probably part of the reason why and yet another reason why Rabbitpaw needed to be better, not even understanding something as simple as why the stars hated him.

He opened his eyes as Crowtooth started to speak. Starting immediately with why Rabbitpaw was at fault for the fight. He was rushing through his apprenticeship? He was in trouble because he was doing what he should as an apprentice too fast that didn't make sense in the slightest. Why wait? It's not like he'll suddenly stop growing if he were to get his name early or for getting a few extra lessons here and there but if Crowtooth and Lightningpaw didn't like it then Rabbitpaw would stop, he guesses? Just stop doing lessons even though as an apprentice you are supposed to learn how to be a warrior but not too fast. How fast was too fast? Why did Lightningpaw know what too fast was and Rabbitpaw didn't? Was he told? Was Rabbitpaw supposed to be told, maybe he was going to be told before what happened at his ceremony... that was probably it so again, it came down to his curse. His being. Why did the stars hate him? But seem to like him in the next moment? It doesn't make sense.

Rabbitpaw took the moment that Crowtooth seemed to pause to look away and down at his paws. They have been annoying him more lately. That was the same thought he had before the fight. "Alright...that makes sense..." He offers, but even to himself and despite his efforts for otherwise, Rabbitpaw's came out as anything but sure of itself. And he was lying. It doesn't make sense but obviously it was suppose to and he doesn't want to worry anyone else about not knowing that so... he guesses that he'll have to pretend until it clicks. Would it ever click? The curse made him feel like nothing will ever make sense. But he'll try because what else is there to do? Maybe if he tried, he could prove himself to Starclan and whatever they want from him and they would let him be normal again.

Rabbitpaw blinked out of his thoughts as Crowtooth continued on, speaking about Fallownose. It made the badness swirling in Rabbitpaw worsen its hold on him and the apprentice suddenly doesn't want to be here anymore. He shouldn't have brought up anything to anyone, he should've just figured out what Lightningpaw wanted from him by himself. Now Crowtooth knows about Fallownose and even though the older tunneler spoke of Rabbitpaw being in the right that felt wrong. He wished he could take back his words. Oh wait, no, Rabbitpaw was wrong again. That made more sense. What the apprentice thought previously of being too quick to say something rather than thinking about it for a moment. Obviously Lightningpaw didn't forget about Fallownose, and Rabbitpaw shouldn't have said that. At least Rabbitpaw knew he was in the wrong on that front before everything else.

"R-right, I'll apologize to him." What does it matter what Rabbitpaw thought of everything. Obviously he was wrong about most of the situation, that was why he came to Crowtooth in the first place. Because Rabbitpaw knew he was getting something wrong with this whole thing and while some of it he was right about, most of it he wasn't. So why offer Rabbitpaw more chance to mess up when he was told what he should do about it. Tears stung his eyes a tiny bit but he swiftly wiped them away with a paw. He felt like he was going to die, genuinely. He has never felt like this before, but he also never found himself being hated by another so much before. He felt guilty and bad and worried... no not worried, but something like that. What did Lightningpaw think of Rabbitpaw? Nothing good, Rabbitpaw accused him of awful things when the ginger apprentice only wanted to help but Rabbitpaw was too messed up to ever realize. It was wrong, he was wrong. The curse was there for a reason and maybe that reason came a bit more clear to him. "You're right... I should, go apologize."

Rabbitpaw didn't want to sit still anymore, he doesn't think he can anymore. He needed to leave. Something was wrong and something was bad with Rabbitpaw right now and he didn't want to say anymore hurtful things to anyone. Maybe he should give Lightningpaw some space, and not apologize right away? The apprentice doesn't think he could face anyone else like this. He wanted to hide, from what, he didn't know. Whatever was making him feel like this? Like he was about to fall apart and at the same time nothing but ceaseless buzzing of worry and guilt. He needed to leave and get away, while whatever was messed up about Rabbitpaw calmed down for the time being. Would it calm down or would Rabbitpaw be forced to feel like this all the time? He would certainly slow down with training if that were the case, he doesn't even think he could get back to the apprentices den without tumbling.

And so, Rabbitpaw got to his paws, which weren't shaking as badly when pressed into the grass that he couldn't really feel right now and that was worrying but not as much as everything else so he didn't give it much mind. "I should go... thank you, see you tomorrow." He felt diconnnected to himself, the words that left his mouth felt foreign. Like something else was speaking with Rabbitpaw's body but he had thought those words out and manually forced them out with thought going into each of the syllables as his mind refused to just speak normally and effortlessly as it had before. He needed to hide away from everyone until this passed. Whatever this was. Hopefully it would pass. The apprentice turned and walked away. Though he found his paws carrying himself elsewhere other than the apprentice den. He wanted his mother but she was busy with her siblings and wouldn't want to deal with the mess that was Rabbitpaw at the moment. So he made his way into the section of camp that was named for the kit corral. Nobody really used it a whole lot.

After falling among the tree's roots, Rabbitpaw tried to make sense of the puzzle that was himself before finding Lightningpaw to try and apologize. Everything was alright, why was he making this such a big deal? It was a fight, they happened, and they were both in the wrong even if Rabbitpaw was more in the wrong. He just needed to apologize. Why did it feel like he was going to die? Why does this make him feel sick? Just one moment and then he'll find Lightningpaw. Just one moment.

[ @Rani - Crowtooth ]
[ Oops gave him anxiety. Except he doesn't know that lol. He'll be alright soon-ish || Feel free to have Crow post one more time but you are good leaving this as the last post also if you want || Also I hope this is a semi-realistic representation? I have had only a couple anxiety attacks so I hope I am not misrepresenting the feeling /w\ let me know if anything seems wrong and I'll fix it of course! ]


Rabbitpaw gif made by ramen!