[graves]

Originally Posted by Clover

Geckoleaf's face was hard, and she had closed; there was no hint of the familiar gentleness she embodied. Her lips pressed into a thin line, and she let out a slow, deliberate sigh; it was obvious that she was deeply bothered and frustrated, and not necessarily by Daypaw. "I won't discredit what you've been through, my sunshine; I know that your life has been hard. Nothing has ever been easy for you; days filled with hardship, nights with screaming terror. But at the same time, you can't understand what I've been through in my own life; I've lost so, so much. My parents died before I was a moon old, my sister ran away; my mentor, my mother, for stars' sake, died three days after I received my full name! Beyond that, countless friends; and, the entire leadership of the clan changed around me! At one point, I was the only steady leadership we had. Plus, of course, I've lost Arcticpaw; he was more like a younger brother to me, almost someone I raised; he was beautiful, and shining, and then ripped away from me. Daypaw, I still don't know why! For all I know, his corpse is rotting in the ocean." Her voice was low, rolling, a hint of a growl edging her words; it was obvious she was upset, and more importantly, done; she had been forced to relive this too much now, her past hardening her on the outside more than she'd been in a long time.

"And, do I need to mention her- talk about her again? She... she didn't want to leave us, Daypaw, but Cricketpaw was murdered." Her voice completely closed up, and she glared at Daypaw with a thinly veiled emotion of frustration; she was finished talking about this, for good, but couldn't help but feel deeply, deeply guilty for her harsh tones and equally rude looks.

Another deep sigh ripped out of Geckoleaf, and she looked over at Daypaw, again, wondering what was swirling through their mind; how could they feel with her being nearly attacking after they had so fully trusted her. Her ears flattened, and she nearly choked on a surge of emotion; she'd lost someone else, she felt. "D-day.... I-I'm sorry... y-you're right. I-I need t-to trust J-juni..." Her eyes were filling with tears; so common a gesture it was nearly meaningless now. The orange tabby sucked in a few shuddering breaths, to stabilize herself, and calmed. "I'm sorry. You deserve better, and so does Juniperpaw; I swear to you and the sun above that I will try my best to open up to her. Okay?" she murmured, softly; and although she normally would have sworn on StarClan above, she specifically omitted the topic, and instead tried to vow to something that her child could relate to. "I love you, my dear Daypaw. And... I'm sorry."

Honestly, it took everything in Daypaws being to not spit harsh words. Daypaw knew what loss felt like. They knew what feeling utterly alone, felt like. Their father:dead. He was ripped away from Daypaws family when they were meerly a kit, also when the night terrors had started. The death played over an dover in their mind when they slept, when they weeped out into the night and cried. They pushed their mother away simply for that reason, blaming her for not supporting Daypaw, blaming her for not being there. It was so easy to put the blame on someone else. In the flood, they had lost countless cats. Some even dying in Daypaws embrace, watching their eyes go lifeless and Daypaw calling out to anyone- to save them Because they, as a medicine cat, had failed their duty to save a life. SO you could only imagine how they felt when Geckoleaf told them they didnt know how she felt. They might have handled things differently, but they have had a minor taste on what it felt like.

They prevented their claws from digging into the ground, not wanting their mother to think that they were angry. Instead, they kept their eyes in slit, the same emotionless face as they stared back at her, watching her cry more. Perhaspe they were cruel in that way, not grieving for aslong as everyone else. Maybe they were cold hearted, maybe something was wrong. They just couldnt cry. Instead, keeping a calm and cool demeanor and not expressing a thing. When Geckoleaf snapped, Daypaw couldnt hear any softness in her voice like before, the mothering shecat they had met in the Starcave. The only indication that it made Daypaw uncomfortable was them pinning their ears to the back of their head- a rare sign of submission.

They heard her soften again. Daypaw couldnt really be angry, half of the stuff Geckoleaf had gone through they werent even alive for. They couldnt understand some of what she was going through, what reliving it be talking is like. They physically and mentally couldnt wrap their large brain around it. But she had never snapped at them like that before, though they couldnt blame her. They had taken that risk when talking about such a touchy subject. They closed their eyes, taking in a deep breath,¨Okay.¨

They didnt say anything else, it was a lot to think about. They werent one for words.

Originally Posted by Charmer

"Oh I see," Nightpaw said thoughtfully. She had learned by this point that warrior names had two parts to them. Based on what Daypaw was saying, there might be a name that she could ask for that would let her find a way to keep both part of her. She loved her new life, but her past was a part of her. Then again, maybe it would be better to let the past go and let the clan give her a warrior name. Nightpaw would have to think about this. Still, it made her feel a touch of relief knowing she had a choice. Nightpaw noticed that Daypaw's fur, gleaming in the sunlight, seemed to have been recently groomed. Good. They're taking care of themselves, she thought, unaware of Geckoleaf's role in Daypaw's care these days.

Nightpaw flinched a little bit at the harshness in Daypaw's tone, her ears laid flat submissively. But she wanted to know the answer, so, swallowing, she pressed on. "Back when I was in the medicine den... at night sometimes...actually a lot of the time, I would hear you muttering and crying. It was like you were in a lot of pain. Sometimes, I thought about waking you up, but I was afraid to bother you..." Nightpaw averted her gaze, an involuntary tremble rattling her frame as she recalled the sight. "And sometimes you would twist and look like you were in pain. I wish I had woken you up... but I ask because, I wonder if you have bad dreams." The shecat looked back at Daypaw, hoping the enby wouldn't be mad. She didn't mean any harm in asking. She was just... worried for her friend.

For once, they hesitated. Daypaw trusted Nightpaw, alot actually. More then theyd like to admit. But this was something Daypaw had been dealing with since they could remember. Night terrors were so common that they felt like they were nothing without them at this point. For awhile they were silent, avoiding the shecats gaze and staring into the clearing, thinking. Thinking over what they dreamed about.It was hard to open up to people, or atleast in Daypaws case. Hell, it had taken awhile for them to even get comfortable around Nightpaw for awhile. They didnt give off any sign of aggression, twitching their tail and whiskers in deep thought.
If Nightpaw wanted to know, Daypaw would tell them.
They opened their mouth, looking like they were going to say something but closed it. This happened a few more times, them trying to piece the words correctly. But after a moment they sighed, and gushed instead, no filter or thoughts to second guess themselves.
¨I dream about my fathers death. I dream what it wouldve been like if he were here. I dream about cats shouting at me, insults and things Im insecure about myself. I dream about the cats Ive let die in my embrace, feeling like as a medicine cats, that Ive failed at my only purpose. Ive dreamed about dying. Ive felt it. I still feel it. Im left with bruises every day when I manage to open my eyes.¨
It was a lot to relive. the shouting of the cats, the insults, the insecurity. Their father. Watching him die over and over and over as if its some sick movie that Starclan has cursed them with for the rest of their days. They could feel the injuries of their deaths they faced in their dreams. They could feel the monster running over them, their ribs cracking. They could feel a dogs teeth cling to their neck and shake them apart like a rag doll. They could feel the water fill their lungs with a intoxication sensation, water becoming their second air supply. They could feel it all descriptively. they could describe what an injury felt like, despite never facing it in real life. They could feel it all, every injury. Its what made them a good medcat. They had faced so many injuries before hand, that they knew what they felt like, there for made everything easier to treat. They busied themself with their duties most of the time, usually until they physically fainted form exhaustion. They didnt eat, their bony body resting against the ground uncomfortably. They were possibly slowly killing themself like this, not taking care of themself, but they didnt care.