Coldamber watched as the cogs in Lightningstorm's head turned. Though no words were spoken, she knew what was going through the others head.
How dare you.
How dare, how dare, how dare you come back.
How dare you have ever left.
She watched the contempt form across the younger's face and equally tired eyes gazed back at the Medicine Cat. Unlike Cowtuft's successor, her face had not the energy to twist into a mask that reflected her emotions.
Never happy.
No one was ever happy with her, or what she did.
Always told she was never doing enough.
Always alone, but never considered how much she was always trying and doing for others.
Always for everyone but herself.
"Yes," her voice was deceptively soft, but rang with assuredness in the still, dead air around them.
"Me."
There was no mockery in her tone, though no doubt it came across as such to the undeniably young lady in front of her.
For a moment, she simply stared back at the calico, as if somehow expecting her to have a response. The pause was long enough, she parted her lips once again, her mouth slightly ajar as she thought of her words. What to say.
She could not be as soft with Lightningstorm as she had been with Springlight. Approaching soft meant approaching indirectly, and she doubted she would stick around for indirectness.
"Well, I've no doubt you wish for me to address the wolf in the den. You want to know why I was gone so long.
Why I didn't warn you of...."
She stopped, and her face finally tightened, her nose unintentionally crinkling.
"And I do not have a reason that you will like. All I have is the truth, that I was elsewhere, busy with the matters of other Clan's."
And that was why she was so mad at her, right?
That she had shed the expectation of being loyal to one Clan only, in death, and that she no longer saw a reason for her to discriminate in who she helped.
Why have the freedom if you weren't to use it?
No one else did.
No one else would.
And as always, it was just her. It was just her trying to fix everything at once, and because no one else was trying to pick up the pieces, she was the one that received the harsh words and judgement when no others showed their face.
Oh, it was always her Clanmates ready to lay down the first strike. Always ready to cast words and judgement without thinking.
It was what had happened to Cowtuft, too. Wasn't it?
But she was not sure if she could blame them. Was it treason or was it negligence?
In the end, she supposed it didn't matter.
Cats were dead.
It was his fault.
It was her fault, too.
She'd trusted him with her Clan, thought he'd take care of those she once loved with all her heart. She'd been wrong.
And her Clan had paid the price for her complacency and willingness to trust.
"I thought you were good for him. I thought, with the two of you.... That you wouldn't need me to check in as often. I had trusted... That you two were skilled enough and worked together well enough that I could focus on those who did not have competent healers."
She clenched her jaw, preparing for another spout of words telling her why she should have, should have, should have known better.
Why she should always know everything, all at once, and all of the time.
Why she was not allowed to ever fall victim to error.
That she should only.
Ever.
Be.
Perfect.
[ @
Alchemist Kitsune ]