[Mayflower]

Originally Posted by AbsurdJinx

I'm looking forward to hearing what your teacher says about this! I think your plot was very interesting, and it was an incredibly fun read!




I suggest creating a new paragraph every time someone speaks. This way the reader does not become confused when it comes to who's talking. Don't forget to indent!



At the bottom of the first page: it says, ``It was quite the spectacle, and it was no doubt...`` I believe it should be states as, ``It was quite the spectacle, and there was no doubt...``


Also, at the bottom of the first page a sentence begins with ``Bennett laughed, shouting`` I think there should be a comma after `shouting`.


I'm assuming you're looking to be as accurate as possible in the French language, and I figured I'd share this neat little French language lesson. So at the beginning of the second page, a blonde man appears. `Blonde` refers to a light-haired female, while `blond` refers to a light-haired male. However, `blonde` also refers to a fair-haired person. And in the same sentence, you mention an orange tinted light. I think there should be a dash between orange and tinted so it looks like: orange-tinted


Also in the second page, a line says, ``The french woman spun in a whirl of blue and gold ball gown...`` French should be capitalized, and I believe there should be an `a` in front of blue.


On page three, you used `blonde` again.


At the end of page three, you capitalized `No` in the middle of a sentence. I'd also adjust that sentence to make more sense as it currently says, ``No, No, just her brother. Who doesn't take very kindly...`` I don't understand the meaning of the period. The sentence continues, ``to a drunk miscreant hanging around her. So it would be wise of you to leave and not think of Ciraynne again.`` I think you should add, `so much as` in front of `think`.


I'd also like to note that you use the word `angry` a lot. I'd skim through your story and use synonyms of angry instead.


At the middle of the fourth page, Ciraynne is telling her brother where the Prince is. You punctuated the dialogue incorrectly. ``Is`` should not be capitalized.


On the fifth page, the two are dancing and talking about names for their child. The sentence goes, ``...lightly hit his shoulder, and the kept dancing.`` Shouldn't `the` be `then`? And in the sentence after, it says, ``They did for a little while more...`` I don't think using the word `did` makes much sense. Instead of `did`, maybe just use `danced`? And though this isn't really grammar-related or anything and just personal preference, I'll say it anyway: instead of `more`, I'd use `longer`. In the following sentence, when Ciraynne is saying, ``I think... i think i'm going to rest for a bit. I don't feel so good.``, the `I` is not capitalized, and neither is the `I` in `i'm`. Instead of `I don't feel so good` use, `I don't feel too well.`


In the fifth page, `blonde` is used again. And at the bottom of the page, instead of `well`, the word `good` is used.


As you transfer from page five to six, you state, ``But he withstood the symptoms of whatever he must've contracted hidden as best he would.`` This sentence doesn't make much sense to me, when read out loud.


On page six: ``Even though he wasn't very fond of Bennett, Alistair had to be involved with him to help Ciraynne. As they approached, Bennett looked considerably happier as his sister approached.`` 1. You use `approached` twice in one sentence. 2. Instead of `had to be involved with him to help Ciraynne.` I'd say, `tolerated him for Ciraynne.`


In the following sentence, you say ``same skin, same shorter but well built frame.`, I'd suggest changing this to `same skin tone, and even similar, well-built frames`


On the seventh page, Bennett is saying ``Well, You are both lucky I never travel somewhere...`` and I don't think the `You` should be capitalized. I also think the `somewhere` should be `anywhere`


Also on the seventh page, there is a sentence that goes, ``Bennett formed his doctor's office out of two chairs for Alistair and Ciraynne facing one for himself.`` I don't understand what `facing one for himself` means? Also, in one of the following sentences, you say, ``..dug into cleverly hidden pockets...`` which should be ``...dug into cleverly-hidden pockets..``


And on the seventh page, Ciraynne is saying, ``Bennett, I was trying to tell you whenever I saw you...`` I think this should be changed to, `Bennett, I tried to tell you every time I saw you..``


On the eighth page... ``...untied the ribbon holding the mask on his face and let the checkered and gold fall to his lap.`` Checkered and gold what?


On the eighth page, the word `French` is not capitalized. Also, there is supposed to be an `e` at the end of the word `more`


On the ninth page, a sentence goes, ``...almost half of the nobles formally revelling without a care either dead or dying.`` I don't know if you wanted `formally` or `formerly`there, but whichever way I'd put a `were` in front of `either`


On the tenth page, Ciraynne is saying she wasn't feeling good earlier. Instead of using the word `good`, use the word `well`. In the same sentence the `I` is not capitalized.




Like I said before, this story was very interesting to read, and I'm really looking forward to hearing about what your teacher thought!

Thank you so much! Most of those errors are me trying to just write and edit later, but I'll have to fix those soon.