[lone]

Originally Posted by Random Melody

Snowstar nodded slightly at the young medicine cat's words, watching her expression carefully. Caliapaw's gaze was just blank and dull. No, not dull, dead. And Snowstar hated it, hated the Dusk Syndicate cats, hated, hated. Snowstar's tail twitched, and her gaze darted down to her paws, unable to look at Caliapaw much longer. Because she knew the young medicine cat was hurting but she had absolutely no idea how to help her. She could offer to collect herbs or whatever but the truth was she couldn't help the way Caliapaw needed to be helped. She could try to come around, try to cheer her up, but that was it. For the first time in a long time Snowstar felt completely useless. The Siamese frowned to herself, ice blue eyes narrowing slightly as she stared at her paws. Yeah, she hated this. Everyone was mourning Wheatfur's death but nobody had it as rough as Caliapaw did, Snowstar could bet on that. And the young medicine cat didn't deserve that, didn't deserve that at all. She was just so young.

Snowstar looked up when Caliapaw started to speak, asking for a favor, and Snowstar gave one short nod for her to go on, tilting her head, blue eyes sparkling with concern. But then the young medicine cat's sentence cut off abruptly, and Snowstar paused to think about that. Beyond the borders of the Clan.... Snowstar instantly didn't like that idea. Didn't like the idea of Caliapaw venturing far away, where she could possibly get into danger. Those Syndicate cats had ran off in all different directions - What if one of them found the young medicine cat, and the friends Caliapaw spoke of? Snowstar definitely didn't like that. She was glad when Caliapaw decided to do it somewhere in the territory instead, and gave a soft nod. "Alright, Caliapaw," She murmured, gazing at the young medicine cat with a small frown.

Snowstar watched Caliapaw's smile drop almost as quickly as it came. She couldn't tell whether the young cat was relieved or upset about this, but she figured it was a mixture of both. When Caliapaw turned away, Snowstar went silent for a long time before speaking. "I'm sorry." She finally murmured. But she knew being sorry wouldn't be enough. She wanted to be able to help Caliapaw, but she didn't know how. She'd just start with... Trying to be around for her. "You didn't deserve to be pushed into a life like this so quickly, to have this many responsibilities, to have this kind of weight on your shoulders.."

And as she spoke, she felt another rush of hatred and rage for those Dusk Syndicate cats, and it honestly scared her. She'd never felt it before... But how did she know it was hatred? It could have been something else... No, she was pretty sure it was hatred. The Siamese shook her head slightly and continued speaking. "And I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but eventually, it'll get a little better. And you're not alone - I'm here, and Passionblaze is here. And I know we're not medicine cats," She added carefully, lifting her ice blue gaze to look at the young medicine cat again. "But we still understand what it feels like to have that kind of pressure on you. So if you ever need to.. To just talk about something, or just need anything, whatever it is, please, don't hesitate to come to one of us." There, she'd gotten that out. It wasn't enough, she knew it wasn't enough right now, but maybe eventually, it would be. She just wanted Caliapaw to know that she most certainly wasn't alone, that she did have someone she could go to who understood at least half of what she was going through. Still, it didn't stop that little voice in Snowstar's head that was screaming useless over and over again. But for now, she just kind of ignored it, focusing on the young medicine cat in front of her.

Caliapaw didn't like the look of concern that showed in Snowstar's eyes. She was certain the young leader had enough to think about right now - she definitely didn't need to worry about the medicine cat. Some stress might be natural, it would be okay - she was just stepping into this position. Eventually when she got used to the daily ins and outs of the job, she would be alright. "Thank you." She mewed again, lowering her head in a sign of respect. Snowstar seemed like an easy cat to talk to. If only Caliapaw felt like she could release her problems to the she cat, and let her help, but she didn't know how. It was hard for the medicine cat to trust. She didn't have a close bond with her own mother, so her bonds with other she cats - especially warriors around her mother's age - could be iffy. She trusted her siblings - and she trusted Everpaw, Starpaw, and Alabasterpaw of course, without a doubt... but even they didn't know all of her dark secrets and her worries.

She would confide in them when she felt like she could. But she really didn't want to bother them with her own personal life and personal problems. They were apprentices, they had training and other things to do - though when she could, Caliapaw would still spend time with them. It was easier to trust a she cat around her age then one who was older then her. Snowstar's apology surprised her. She honestly hadn't been expecting it, and that surprise shone through in her eyes. But, the surprise faded as the she cat continued. "It's alright. I knew what I was getting into before I started this, and I knew there were going to be problems. I just didn't expect I'd have to face them so quickly..." Her voice trailed off and shoulders sagged a little. Her tail drooped. The deadness in her eyes earlier returned, showing clearer now, and she looked like she could have used a break from - well - life, to be honest.

If only she had that opportunity. To just make time stop, and calm down some so that she could get a new grip on it in the "morning." If only she were a warrior, with the opportunity to go somewhere else where the daily turmoil of the Clans would fade into the background and she would be just another loner, wandering. The medicine cat straightened up at Snowstar's offer, and looked her directly in the eye. She tried her best to look like she knew what she was doing. Like she had some level of confidence. Except she was failing, because Caliapaw knew that she wasn't confident. She knew that she didn't know what she was doing a lot of the time. And she definitely knew that she wouldn't be able to go to the cats she didn't know very well. Right now, it was hard for her to go to even her closest friends. That was why she'd wanted to go out beyond the borders with Starpaw and Alabasterpaw... they had both known Wheatfur, at least she knew for sure Alabasterpaw had, and they could share their memories of him.

Maybe talking about him would help the young feline to let go. And she knew that her friends needed to as well, Alabasterpaw especially was full of grief and it worried Caliapaw. She didn't want to have to treat her friend for something that could be potentially life-threatening - she didn't want to do that at all. Her eyes softened some and she sighed before she finally answered Snowstar, her tone still tired. "I appreciate the offer, Snowstar, but I - I don't think my problems should worry you. I'll be okay - I know to take care of myself. You should be careful, though - I know this thing with WindClan can't be easy. You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself. The Clan needs its leader right now." And its medicine cat. More then ever, especially since I get the feeling we've got an upcoming war on our paws. But Caliapaw knew the Clan needed a medicine cat who knew what they were doing. Who was more confident in themselves. If only Wheatfur were still here, he would definitely know what to do.

He would make a much better medicine cat. Especially because she had no idea what probably half of the herbs in here were for. And she didn't know how to save lives. Ivypaw had needed her - Cedarflower had relied on her - and she'd let them both down. Even if they didn't blame her, that didn't change the fact that she'd let them down. "Promise me you'll be careful," The young medicine cat mewed firmly, her eyes glancing over Snowstar's pelt once more. Everything looked alright - she was, at the moment, trusting the leader to tell her if anything was wrong. If anything had happened. She was trusting her in a professional field, and if she got something wrong... things could go badly upside down for her and the rest of the Clan.