[Random Melody]

Originally Posted by Lonestar23

"Thank you." Some of Caliapaw's friends and family had offered the same thing, to help out when they could, but the apprentice couldn't really see how. Sure, they might be able to bring her some prey or go with her to collect herbs, but they couldn't really see the daily ins and outs of the job. They couldn't know what it was like to have their hearts racing, fear radiating through their body and them desperately trying to calm it as they tried to save a life. They couldn't know what it was like to lose that life because they weren't good enough. This time, not even tears of vexation stung Caliapaw's eyes. There was just a look of emptiness, a dead look that mirrored exactly how she was feeling at the moment. Thinking of her lost patient only made things worse.

"There... is one favor I would like to ask of you. I have a couple of close friends who... knew Wheatfur. They're both apprentices around my age. I wanted to ask you if it would be alright for us to go somewhere beyond the borders of the Clan and just talk about Wheat-" Caliapaw stopped. What was she thinking? She couldn't leave the Clan, that was madness! What if something came up? What if she failed again because this time, she was too late? No. That was a risk Caliapaw wasn't willing to take. There wasn't time for her to take a real break, outside of the Clan... even though she wanted to explain why, she wasn't quite sure how to word it. Maybe it was just that she needed to feel like she was beyond the boundaries of her current job. Like she was normal again. Had she been just a normal apprentice, maybe Snowstar would have been okay with it.

"On second thought, nevermind. We can do it somewhere in the territory." The she cat forced a smile, but it fell the second she stopped forcing it. Snowstar's next words gave her a rush of something that felt a lot like fear, and frustration. She hadn't seen Wheatfur die. The next thing Caliapaw felt was relief, but that was hidden beneath her frustration. She wanted to know what had happened, if only she had been there, maybe she could have saved him... if only she had been smarter, better, she could have saved the tom who had been taken. "I see." Those were the only words she spoke before she turned back and started furiously staring at the herbs that were neatly sorted. She wanted to scream. She wanted to blame StarClan for this, but how was it their fault? They had taken Wheatfur because it was his time.

She wanted to blame him, for fighting - a medicine cat wasn't supposed to fight! She wanted to blame any warriors who had been there, because why hadn't they stepped in to save him? Had they even cared, had they even seen, had the cat just given Wheatfur a single blow and he was dead? No. Her mentor was too strong for that. Something had to have happened, and if only Caliapaw knew what, she would be more content. She was the angriest with the Dusk Syndicate cats, though. She couldn't find it in her to hate - she didn't have enough strength or emotion for that right now, but as soon as she could gather it, there was no doubt she would have a large amount of hate for the cats who had taken her mentor from her. Right now, it felt like they had taken everything. She was alone in this.... and she would be for quite some time.

Snowstar nodded slightly at the young medicine cat's words, watching her expression carefully. Caliapaw's gaze was just blank and dull. No, not dull, dead. And Snowstar hated it, hated the Dusk Syndicate cats, hated, hated. Snowstar's tail twitched, and her gaze darted down to her paws, unable to look at Caliapaw much longer. Because she knew the young medicine cat was hurting but she had absolutely no idea how to help her. She could offer to collect herbs or whatever but the truth was she couldn't help the way Caliapaw needed to be helped. She could try to come around, try to cheer her up, but that was it. For the first time in a long time Snowstar felt completely useless. The Siamese frowned to herself, ice blue eyes narrowing slightly as she stared at her paws. Yeah, she hated this. Everyone was mourning Wheatfur's death but nobody had it as rough as Caliapaw did, Snowstar could bet on that. And the young medicine cat didn't deserve that, didn't deserve that at all. She was just so young.

Snowstar looked up when Caliapaw started to speak, asking for a favor, and Snowstar gave one short nod for her to go on, tilting her head, blue eyes sparkling with concern. But then the young medicine cat's sentence cut off abruptly, and Snowstar paused to think about that. Beyond the borders of the Clan.... Snowstar instantly didn't like that idea. Didn't like the idea of Caliapaw venturing far away, where she could possibly get into danger. Those Syndicate cats had ran off in all different directions - What if one of them found the young medicine cat, and the friends Caliapaw spoke of? Snowstar definitely didn't like that. She was glad when Caliapaw decided to do it somewhere in the territory instead, and gave a soft nod. "Alright, Caliapaw," She murmured, gazing at the young medicine cat with a small frown.

Snowstar watched Caliapaw's smile drop almost as quickly as it came. She couldn't tell whether the young cat was relieved or upset about this, but she figured it was a mixture of both. When Caliapaw turned away, Snowstar went silent for a long time before speaking. "I'm sorry." She finally murmured. But she knew being sorry wouldn't be enough. She wanted to be able to help Caliapaw, but she didn't know how. She'd just start with... Trying to be around for her. "You didn't deserve to be pushed into a life like this so quickly, to have this many responsibilities, to have this kind of weight on your shoulders.."

And as she spoke, she felt another rush of hatred and rage for those Dusk Syndicate cats, and it honestly scared her. She'd never felt it before... But how did she know it was hatred? It could have been something else... No, she was pretty sure it was hatred. The Siamese shook her head slightly and continued speaking. "And I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but eventually, it'll get a little better. And you're not alone - I'm here, and Passionblaze is here. And I know we're not medicine cats," She added carefully, lifting her ice blue gaze to look at the young medicine cat again. "But we still understand what it feels like to have that kind of pressure on you. So if you ever need to.. To just talk about something, or just need anything, whatever it is, please, don't hesitate to come to one of us." There, she'd gotten that out. It wasn't enough, she knew it wasn't enough right now, but maybe eventually, it would be. She just wanted Caliapaw to know that she most certainly wasn't alone, that she did have someone she could go to who understood at least half of what she was going through. Still, it didn't stop that little voice in Snowstar's head that was screaming useless over and over again. But for now, she just kind of ignored it, focusing on the young medicine cat in front of her.