Depression was the worst thing that had ever happened to Asterpaw. It was a hole that she couldn't climb out of, and she was just sinking deeper and deeper into it. Pretty soon she would be buried in a pit of her own feelings. Pretty soon, the world would be turned upside down. Asterpaw's life had already been turned upside down, or so it felt like. Her hues had lost their fierce gleam. Her spirit had been smashed on the ground, scattered for others to stare at but never to help pick up. She was so done now. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and allow someone to claw her to death... that was how bad she felt at the moment. Buzzardstride's kind words had helped, of course, but then her depression had come back. She had killed a cat. Killed. Him. The last thing she remembered was the glazed look in his hues, the light leaving them and the blood spilling everywhere.
And she had tried to save him - because the last thing she'd wanted was for him to die. And yet, he still had. Now he was gone and she was to blame. Tears were threatening to spill from her hues, and she was doing her best to keep them in. She would not cry. She didn't want to. Why hadn't that cat killed her? At least she wouldn't have had to watch someone die. Now she was twice as on edge and fragile as before, and it felt like she was ready to fall. And the worst part was, she couldn't go to Azulpaw about it. Her north star, and she wasn't able to tell him this. Because she was afraid of what he would say and what he would do. At the moment she was pretty beaten up - to let the pain of what she had done sink in more, she had never gone to see Ebonyfrost. She had stayed away. So now there were scars and caked blood covering her once unmarked pelt.
And she was a new kind of pretty; or, perhaps beautiful. Gone was the innocence that used to spark in her hues. The mischief and willingness to play was gone along with them, although it would return at some point. Her sarcasm was still active, even if it didn't show. Her sweet nature was still there. A new sort of elegance showed there, giving her a much wiser and more friendly look. Worry for everyone around her showed in her grey-green hues, although they had a depth that was unmistakably mature. She was growing up, whether she wanted to or not. With the death of that cat had come a new stage for Asterpaw... a stage that was proving to be the most difficult to get through. She would be a warrior soon, but she'd been persuading her mentor to put it off... and she hadn't seen them since after this battle. Perhaps something had happened. Perhaps they were dead.
It wouldn't do any more to effect the blue feline. I wish I could do it over. Do what over? Her whole life. Everything she had done, and everyone she had met. But the one thing she never would have changed was meeting her friend. Caring... or loving too much? Yes. She would change that, because it had only led to destruction so far. It wasn't too late. She could fix that now, and she would make a deal. She would do everything she could to make sure that nothing bad would happen to her north star ever again. It might break his heart... but it was for his good. It was breaking her heart just to think about her first option... which was going to be with Bluepaw. This was her best option. And, hopefully it would keep her north star shining for a very, very long time. It had to work. Either that, or she wasn't sure what her other options were... because there weren't many.