[lone]

Thinking of him? If it mattered that much for Bluespark to know then yes, Asterflame was thinking of "him." How was she supposed to forget? How was she supposed to stop wondering what had happened to force Azulheart to go to Alabastersnow, to force him to do that. Had he been planning that all along, had he been - had he decided to after that night in the woods? After she had told him her deep, dark secret? That was my surprise. Nice going, Azulheart - you really had me fooled. I though for a MINUTE it might ACTUALLY work for us to have some kind of a future. Even as friends. Did you do this just to get back at me? She thought, like she could communicate with him mentally. If only she could communicate with him now. Oh, how badly Asterflame wanted to know why he had gone with the she cat. He'd called it love; she had another word for it. What had her sister done to him? "No! I wasn't, I was actually thinking of you. And our past. And Azulheart was in our past." This was a lie, of course, but he didn't need to know that.

What shocked Asterflame was how easily the lie slid off her tongue. Like she had been lying for a long time now, and she was used to it. It hurt that she was able to do this so easily, she wouldn't lie about that. But she supposed that trying to act like she really did love Bluespark was difficult. She couldn't act like she didn't care about the scarred grey tom, though... that was the hardest thing of all. But he was good at it, or maybe he was good at acting like he had cared in the first place. She knew he had cared when they were apprentices. When they were younger apprentices. But did he care now? No. Of course he didn't care now. Why would he, when he had a beautiful cat like Alabastersnow beside him to give him attention and act so in love? Asterflame wouldn't lie that it hurt, it stung a lot to see him acting like that.

So close to another she cat when they could've been that close. It was stupid to have a crush on a tom who had a mate, but that pretty much described every decision she had made for a while... stupid. She shouldn't have gone to Bluespark in the first place. She shouldn't have gone to Azulheart, either... his reaction showed her that she couldn't even trust him. She should've kept her secret. Let it destroy her before she released it. Because with her secret, went her heart. The gruffness in Bluespark's voice frightened her. Was he going to bite her again? Long ago, once upon a time, Asterflame would have fought back. She would have sassed him, challenged him, done something to show that she couldn't be bullied into following his stupid orders. But she was no longer the she cat she had been long ago, and her fear was great in this moment. What if he did bite her? "Okay..." Her voice was low, almost no more then a whisper, fearful and submissive as she crouched down a little, her ears going back until they couldn't go any further, pinned against her head in terror.

"I promise, Bluespark. I won't talk about him again." I won't talk about him. I won't talk to him. I won't even look at him - if that's what it's going to take for you to be happy. Because if you're happy, then no one gets hurt. She hoped Azulheart was keeping her sister happy. When Alabastersnow was happy, she was actually pretty nice. A sweeter feline then she was when she was jealous, or territorial, or angry. Asterflame had already promised that she wouldn't talk to Azulheart and broken that promise once. Could she keep it again? What if she needed him? Their friendship was already so far gone that she couldn't possibly break it any more. It was shattered, a figment of her imagination now, a ghost of the past. Except he would never be completely gone. He would be on her mind, but Bluespark would never need to know about it.

She would learn how to control herself so that he couldn't read her anger, her fear, her sadness, or any other emotion. Nothing but submissive love would show from now on. Asterflame had just chained herself into the last thing she would have wanted before. This wasn't the future she had thought of. This was the future that was her nightmare, that was every she cat's nightmare. Every free-spirited cat, anyways. For her own good, for the good of Azulheart (or so she thought), and for Bluespark's good... she was clipping her own wings. Setting boundaries that she thought might make the tom happy. Sure, she could joke around with him still, but she would be careful about it. Only when he was in a good mood. She would build him up, cheer him up, butter him up, do everything she could to make him happy and then when she needed to, she would be able to count on him for those things as well. He certainly knew how to make a she cat feel like a princess.

Or, more accurately, like a queen. Bluespark's mention of Azulheart being dead made the blue feline visibly flinch a little, but she did her best to settle against the tom, paying attention to his every word. And with every word, she could feel tears threatening to spill. "He would never-" Her voice was choked with emotion, fury and frustration and agonized, choking tears. She stopped, cutting herself off before she could continue, pulling herself together before Bluespark would realize that she was that upset. No. That was very, very, very wrong.

"I can promise you right now, Bluespark, that whatever feelings I had for... uh, Alabastersnow's mate, are gone. I chose you - you are my mate. If I had wanted him, I would have chosen him. But I didn't, because I cared about you. And someday we'll have kits of our own, and then you won't have to worry anymore. You don't have to worry now - there's no reason for you to be jealous, not while I'm with you."

She smiled at him lightly, worried about her choice of wording. But she had promised she wouldn't say Azulheart's name, and she hadn't. That was what she had been extra-careful of this time. Still, some things that Bluespark had said bothered her. He didn't seriously think that Azulheart would ever have kits with Alabastersnow, did he? Of course they wouldn't! Your sister has him charmed. Charmed. Such a mild word to describe whatever she had done. She couldn't have charmed him, Azulheart was too smart to fall for a flirty mind game, wasn't he? He was stronger then that. Asterflame knew, because she knew him. She didn't believe that would ever happen. Bluespark was wrong, not that she would say that out loud.

Nuzzling, licking, giggling together... sharing a nest... sharing prey... displaying their love... Those were the things that nearly brought tears to her eyes again. They wouldn't be doing all that, would they? It didn't sound like something that would happen between the two of them. Asterflame knew it would sting, oh-so-badly if something like that ever happened. She wasn't sure if she would want to cry more or show her anger more. But she couldn't do either in front of Bluespark or Alabastersnow. And she couldn't talk to Azulheart about it. If only Alabastersnow was with someone else, then she could go to her best friend. Her... ex-best friend, apparently, from what her mate was telling her. She couldn't be friends with him anymore.

Okay. She would figure this out, that was okay, she would - she could do this. They'll have kittens. Seal them together. Forever. That was what choked her with helpless rage and sorrow. She couldn't believe something like that would happen. She would have nieces and nephews, or half-nieces and nephews, but it didn't matter... they were still related to her by blood. She didn't like the thought of that. It made her so angry she could have screamed, but she really didn't want to. "I'm sorry." She was, more or less, apologizing for her own thoughts - but also for her words in case they had offended him. And she shrank back down, back into her submissive position, back into the position that made her feel like... well... trash.


@Constellation