[lone]

How could Bluespark say something like that? Wasn’t Azulheart supposed to be his best friend... and even if their bond was broken, that didn’t mean that the other tom had to be so rude. But Asterflame had promised that she would try not to even think of him, and not sympathize, and be a good mate and all that… so she was going to try. If there was one thing she had, it was her word. They would always have their time as apprentices to remember and think of when things got hard. Or, at least… Asterflame would always have that to turn to. Azulheart seemed pretty comfortable with her half-sister, which was how she knew she had been right all along - he had gone running to her. As soon as the chance was given. As soon as she had taken a mate, he had gone running to her. Even before she was officially taken, so to speak. Perhaps she would have given him a chance. Perhaps she would have loved him.

But crushing on someone and loving them were two very different things, and while Asterflame cared for him - on a friendly level, of course, strictly friendly - she was pretty sure she would never be able to romantically love him. What am I thinking? That’s a good thing! I have Bluespark, I’m going to have a family eventually… I should be focusing on the positives. Not the negatives. Positivity wasn’t an altogether bizarre concept, but it did feel like most of the hope was gone now. ”Of course. No one could steal me from you. I’m yours, now and forever.” It was cheesy - but Bluespark liked cheesy, as far as she could tell. The words sounded odd coming out of her mouth, and she hated the awful feeling that they left there. She was lying to him. She could never say that her heart truly belonged to Bluespark… she knew the real reason she’d gone in the first place, and now she was in just too deep. He needed her, she needed to protect Azulheart, and he was happy with Alabastersnow.

So then… why didn’t things feel like they were fixed? Why did it feel like what she had done had left a bigger hole then it had been before? Maybe she had made a mistake. That was too bad - now her life was going to be set on a completely different path, not that it mattered - everything was going to be fine. It was going to have to be fine. How quickly Bluespark agreed to having kits didn’t help Asterflame’s mood any - she might have been the one who suggested it, but now she got the feeling he was way too happy about this. Was she just a trophy for him? Someone to be placed on display, just a pretty face to stay by his side… now and forever? It was an awful thought. Asterflame couldn’t stand being displayed for the world to see, and she definitely hated the thought of being someone’s trophy. Azulheart would never treat me like thi-

She cut off the thought before it could go any further. Now Bluespark was not only controlling her actions, but her own thoughts, as well. Asterflame hated that she had promised - she hated making promises, now. But she was a good girl. The she cat might have more spirit, more bravery then her sister, but she was definitely the sweeter out of the two as well. She did as she was asked - at least, when the tom asked her to do it, she did. ”Who do you think they’ll look more like? Me or you?” The she cat asked, trying to get her mind off of the fact that they were actually going to have kits. She never wanted to do this. All she wanted was to have her life back, but that was too much to ask - so she was going to have kits now. She was going to play the part, do as she was asked, and hope that it wouldn’t be too much for her to take in. It was almost too much now. But Asterflame could handle it… for Bluespark, she could handle it. Just as long as it meant that nothing would go any further downhill. At least it’s not the worst possible thing. The feline had never cared much about appearances, but as far as looks went, he definitely wasn’t the ugliest cat in the Clan - as a matter of fact, her mate was quite handsome. She didn’t need to tell him that, though - he was aware of it already, she was sure. Bluespark’s ego was almost larger than Azulheart’s.

She knew the tom had been more arrogant when they were younger, and Bluespark had seemed sweeter - but now it was almost the other way around. She missed messing around with Azulheart, especially because he would be a friend to her - not push her - he had really been the greatest friend. It was too bad that everything was over now. Asterflame knew that friendships made as apprentices could fall apart as cats entered warriorhood, but she had never expected it to go this far. She had thought at the most, it would diminish into a casual conversation here and there. Not be blocked out forever. And yet, here she was. Blocked out, but not blind. So she could see everything that Alabastersnow and her former best-friend did, she could understand what was happening - but she would be powerless to stop it. Maybe she could be blind, eventually. This wouldn’t hurt as much if she was still an apprentice. If she didn’t understand - if things were different. Yes, if only things were different. Bluespark’s next words made Asterflame sick to her stomach. Was she going to be forced to tell him that she loved him now? It wasn’t something that she wanted to say! She didn’t!

”Just… give me some time.” The warrior whispered in a soft, meek voice that twisted her heart around as she tried to think. Why couldn’t she have done something else? Why couldn’t she be miles, and miles away from here… worlds away from here… why couldn’t she have run away when she had the chance? All Asterflame wanted was to be free. She wished she was a bird now, so that she could fly away from here and leave her problems on the ground. At last, her body would be as free as her spirit had been - and she would never have to come back to Bluespark, and her heartache. It was hard to move on. That was a lesson that had already been learned. Bluespark didn’t have a reason to be jealous - he had her word, and that was her power.

Her secret power that bound her to other cats forever. It wasn’t a good one to have, but it was there… and as much as Asterflame hated it, it was there to stay. The she cat sat there and awaited Bluespark’s response to her last comment - it was sure to be something she wasn’t going to like, but even if he snapped at her - even if he bit her again - she needed time. Love wasn’t something that could grow in an instant.

Asterflame could never be rushed. She needed more time than most, too, because it took her a while to come to terms with her feelings - and Bluespark may never be able to understand that, but he could at least try to accept it. Along with the rest of her. He could try and… love that part of her, along with everything else. Since he said he loved her and everything. Perhaps it was the fact that she didn’t really believe it that was holding her back.

@Constellation