Coldamber let the silence around them fester like some kind of infection, intent on taking over and destroying everything it could get a hold of. But she would not be the one that broke the silence. She had taken the first step, now it was Lightningstorm's turn to meet her half way.
And she did, the calico finally made that last step on her own, with hesitation and trepidation. Disbelief that she dared to have interests outside of WindClan.
But she didn't let her anger get the better of her just yet. The anger was there, but had yet to be acted on and Coldamber would not be the one to cast the first stone.
Spoiled, some dark part of her whispered.
She's grown spoiled, so used to having her knowledge simply given, so used to having a guiding paw among the stars she couldn't see how selfish she was being. Done, she wanted to be done with trying to be understanding of others when it was so obvious that no one was trying to do the same for her.
Her nose crinkled at the accusation that she was disappointed with Lightningstorm. She wasn't, could never be. The unspoken mention of Cowtuft, however, made her heart flare with betrayal and hurt. She'd trusted him with her Clan, and he.... And he...
He broke that trust.
But he was dead now. And it no longer matters. What was done could not be fixed, and no amount of feelings or words or actions could change it.
She felt insulted when Lightningstorm accused her of spreading WindClan's business, and she couldn't stop the hiss that escaped her lips. Couldn't stop the words that escaped her next.
"And undoubtedly, you somehow think that I am solely responsible, right?"
That was it. The floodgate had opened and now her fury and anger, the emotions she'd tried to hide for so long were spilling forth like a waterfall, an avalanche, a comet crashing into the earth's crust, intent to crush and destroy.
"Because I am the only cat in ALL OF STARCLAN?"
Her chest puffed up and her one un-shredded ear plastered itself to her skull as she stared at the scarless molly in front of her.
"Why should I be the only cat in this FORSAKEN SKY that has any responsibility for watching over WindClan? How many deputies and leaders and Medicine Cat's and WARRIORS are up here with me?? And any one of them could have warned you.
I didn't even know any of it was happening until Cowtuft had already been exiled, until cats had already died.
But no, it's MY FAULT because I'm trying to make up for generations worth of dead that don't care for their living, because I'm trying to pick up the slack of living cats that CAN'T EVEN TEACH THE BASICS OF HEALING TO THEIR APPRENTICES BEFORE THEY BUZZ OFF!"
And now, now she was really getting angry. It had all snowballed, she'd wanted to simply make her point, but to be demonized for the inaction of all the dead that came from the Clan's?
She was doing more than anyone else had ever done, and she was still being blamed for everyone else's choices.
"I'm so sorry for thinking that a Clan that had two Medicine Cat's could wait for me while I made sure innocent cats didn't die because RiverClan kept appointing children as their Medicine Cats. I obviously should have let them learn on their own the same way I did."
She was trembling now, a fury that made her very bones feel like they might rattle out from under her fur. She felt the anger come from her in wave after fiery wave. And that was it. She'd done it. She said the words that sent her off the deep in. "Do you even know...."
Oh, she knew, she had lived it many times over and she hadn't even had the luxury of StarClan's guidance, her own apprentice hadn't ever been there for her.
Lightningstorm had so many things she'd never been allowed, and somehow still thought the one damn cat trying to help her was in the wrong.
"I know better than you realize. Stars, you don't realize how much I understand. It's why I came back at all."
She grit her teeth.
"I had no guidance when I'd been Medicine Cat, not from the living and not from the dead, and I had to teach RiverClan's child Medicine Cat. And when I had to leave for a moon to heal ThunderClan, and then taught their Medicine Cat, there were no paws to guide me.
When the Medicine Cat I left murdered their leader, ThunderClan blamed me for it, as if I could have predicted her mental decline, as if I could have predicted the tendencies of a cat I'd never met before. No one spoke up when the choice was given, no one who might have known her better said anything, and still I was the one attributed with their deaths."
And it wasn't the only time. There would be a second, and a third instance— she could scarcely keep track of the number of times she'd been blamed for things she couldn't control, could only have tried to prevent, but could never have known would come about.
Her anger and sense of betrayal was so strong, the ground itself imitated the way she trembled, rumbling with old hurts. Old wounds that threatened to unknit themselves after seasons of carefully being tended to.
"WindClan couldn't let it go, either, that I'd been called away, that an epidemic of whitecough had spread through camp while I was away, that my stand in's hadn't been able to catch it and stop it because I'd barely had time to train them what little I knew. They blamed me for every kitten I couldn't save."
Oh, and it hardly ended there.
It only got worse the closer to the end of her life she got.
"And when Twilightstar had been taken by Dawnstar, and our deputy was murdered, and I was the only one left. My own apprentice...."
Her voice cracked remembering Snailswirl hop atop the place Twilightstar would call meetings, their announcement that the stress was too much, that they couldn't take it anymore, that they were stepping down.... Knowing she would love to do the same. Snailswirl hadn't been met with anger, or hate, or blame. No one treated them with kindness, either, no one understood, but they didn't scream, didn't call them a coward....
"And when I found someone who could help us get Twilightstar back.... And found .... As many cats as I thought I could trust, I could make plans with ...
In between healing, and Dawnstar, and being viciously attacked in my own Den, I tried to organize things. But I was tired, I was stressed.
I didn't think to tell them the deputy that had been disgraced by Icestar was what I'd hoped would give us our advantage. I was met with accusations of.... Of being part of it all, the invasion. We freed her, eventually....
One of my ..... Those damnedable rats I'd thought would hold the interest of their own Clan betrayed us! Told Dawnstar....
And I was still blamed and berated for working with Beastspark. The entire way to our freedom, I was berated and called a coward and a traitor."
By now, the winds around them had picked up, a vicious swirling of frigid air assaulted the both of them, but never strong enough to do more than ruffle fur and ears. Not enough to push either cat.
"And then.... On the way to return home from it all, I'd gone ahead to prepare healing. I'd slipped, fallen, almost DIED.
I hit my head, and lost every memory of my Clan. And when I did not recover my memories, my Clanmates shunned me. There are cats still that blame me for the wounds left untreated, for the lives that couldn't be saved because they didn't care that I'd almost died myself."
Her tail lashed behind her as she stared Lightingstorm down.
"And you.... You, you, YOU have the one thing I was denied, the one thing I would have fought tooth and claw for...."
Coldamber couldn't help the sob that escaped her, the tears that sprung to her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks. She'd been trying so hard to pretend it didn't bother her, that she could live with it, that she wasn't jealous of the changing times, but that was a
lie, the biggest lie she'd ever tried to tell.
She hated and envied them all for being allowed to have families, when she'd had hers ripped to pieces for the privilege of being allowed to be treated like garbage by a Clan that didn't understand at all.
"You have a mate, you are allowed children .... I gave up.... My feelings for someone I loved for almost my entire life, I gave up my love for Twilightstar, and I gave up my only surviving daughter, in the hope I could stop other parents from grieving, that I would be able to save children, and give them.... A CHANCE I NEVER HAD!"
She'd had many litters, many children, and all of them had been stolen from her, in one way or another. And it still tore her up to think about it. She still wondered if any of what she gave up was worth it.
And this .... Barely touched how much taking the position had changed her daughter, how her little Gull became hateful and resentful. How it all culminated one day, how her daughter had tried to kill her....
That she'd run away, and come back, and when Coldamber had lost her memories.... Perhaps Twilightstar knew, perhaps she hadn't, but there was nothing that would change the abuse she suffered, how her broken mind was still shaped by the hateful, scathing words that had permanently left scars on her.
"I gave up my daughter.... So no one else would have to.... I did everything in my power.... I did everything I could, and I was shown that no one cares, that no one appreciated the effort it took to still love my Clan after everything they did to me.
This choice ruined my life, and I never want it to ruin anyone else's again."
She breathed in a shaky sigh, lifted her head and looked Lightingstorm in the face, as much as she hated showing how broken she was. She hated how small, how weak she was in the end.
"I. Love. You. I love WindClan. I loved Cowtuft.
I never would have.... If I had known, I would have paid more attention. I was so sure I was right to trust him.
I trusted him to protect everything I gave my life for, everything I give my death for... You're not the only one hurt, Lightningstorm."
She sniffed, and tried to ignore the thorns that squeezed her heart. The wind began to die as anger faded to a tired acceptance.
She took a step away from a cat she wished she could have helped more before it had come to this.... This screaming match they'd just partaken in.
"I'm trying... So hard to make up for all of StarClan and the long absence they have left. I can't be everywhere at once.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.... I'm sorry that I neglected you both. But please.... Know I did my best, and what I thought was right.
I wish I had the powers you think I have. I wish I was better. I want.... To be better, for you. For the beautiful family you've been allowed to have."
Now that she wasn't angry.... As much as it still hurt, if she removed her own feelings from the picture, she should have been proud, should have been happy the new generation did not have to choose family or duty. She should be. She wished to be.
She had yet to forgive Larkfire for this disrespect of what she didn't realize she had. It would be awhile until she did.
But for Lightningstorm, she would try.
//As a note, not everything that Cold has said here is 100% as they happened, this was her perception of events, and while they are mostly accurate, there are parts tinged with the paranoia of the life she lived. This is also assumed to be pre-Fire death\\
[ @
Alchemist Kitsune ]