[taillow]

CW: This post deals with anxiety, dissociation, brief description of a panic attack, and passive suicidal ideation. Please use caution and avoid reading if any of these topics are triggering. Always know there is light on the other side of whatever it is you're going through.

Bravebird
She/her | 43 moons | WindClan Warrior
[ Beefed Up T3 • One with the Warren ]

 

It was quiet when Bravebird snuck out of the warrior's den and towards the meadow that WindClan had claimed as their graveyard in the move. Her paws were quiet but quick, skillfully silent and adept at avoiding detection due to many moons of training. One eye was wrapped up while the other shone brightly, narrowed and focused on the path ahead. Her wounds had started to heal but they still ached, and with each step she took she felt a sharp jab of pain race along her flank. Surely if her Clanmates knew she was leaving camp at this time of night still recovering she could get a fierce clawing to her ears.

...Or maybe, they wouldn't notice at all. Perhaps like the mink patrol, she would be forgotten in the back, left to writhe on the floor with the wretched shadowed beasts that clawed at her mind lately, willing her to succumb to their blows. It was a thought that made her stomach churn uncomfortably, so like always Bravebird discarded it with a lash of her tail.

Eventually cresting the hill that led to the meadow had the warrior slowing her pace, coming to weave in and around the graves. There was one in particular that she was looking for, one that she had set up some time ago. A single rock, placed over a fern that she'd found while out near Sedgewater Valley. It was still there just beyond the other graves and Bravebird let out a sigh as she hurried towards it.

"Hi, Fern. It's... been awhile." Admittedly since placing the rock here the warrior hadn't really taken the time to come visit like she'd said she would. Another promise that had been broken, another rope that had snapped under the weight of her lie to always look after and protect him. Grief clouded her single eye as she sat down, shoulders hunched over as she stared at the marker. There was no grave dug underneath, no body resting in the soil - because he wasn't dead, just lost in a world to no fault but her own.

"We tried to explore the tunnels behind Twilight Falls yesterday. Ran into some nasty minks down there. Horrible creatures, Fern, let me tell you." A snort as she settled into a more comfortable loaf position, tail whisking up to lay at her side. "They've got these tiny little claws, and teeth that can give you a real jump if they bite down in just right right place." Flashes of the fierce attack had her wincing and shaking her head. "I don't consider myself scared of a lot, but I'd be perfectly fine never seeing one of those little rats ever again." Thankfully they had all made it out rather unscathed. Well... "One of them got my eye. Scratched it real good it swelled shut. And you know me, bud," Brave chuckled as she touched the fern with her tail, "I admire Twilightstar quite a bit but not to the point of wanting to look like her." It was a joke made in good humor, a soft-hearted jest from a warrior who admired the great leader.

Maw twisting down now, the warrior shook her head. "I could sit here and tell you all about how I know I'm gonna be okay, and that I'm gonna get through this - I've been through worse - but... that would be a lie, Fern... it would be a lie." Her voice dropped a bit as did her gaze to the ground. "...I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to see out of it. Scared that it'll affect my ability to serve WindClan..." Brave's voice trailed off as her maw pressed into a thin line. Her heart was beating so loudly that it was the only thing she heard with how quiet it was. "...Can I be honest with you, Fern?" She shifted her gaze over, a lull developing as if she was actually awaiting an answer. "...I'm starting to feel like I... don't belong."

It was difficult to admit that. Her chest constricted as the words were released and Bravebird was quick to shut her eyes tightly. Her paws felt weird, as did her stomach, and for a moment she felt as though the ground beneath her was shifting. It felt like treason to admit such a thing, to finally put a voice to the feeling she'd had for the last couple moons. Being apart of WindClan since her return felt like nothing more than going through the motions. At first she had thought it was the Clan that had changed. Being a dutiful warrior, serving her home, hunting and fighting with and for her Clanmates; all of it had been monumental to the lilac warrior before but now it just felt... Off. Or maybe she felt off. Maybe she was the puzzle piece that fit wrong, and the puzzle itself was entirely fine.

"A lot of my Clanmates... they just seem to know. Know where to be, what to do. I used to be like them - used to know my place was with my paws on the moorland with the wind in my fur. I would look around and see cats that I knew and had grown up with, that I could joke with or share a meal with. But... but it feels strange now. I feel like a stranger." A pause as the warrior swallowed back an uncomfortable feeling. "...I hate thinking it, but all of the obstacles that have come up since StarClan sent me back... perhaps I was never meant to have this second chance."

A daunting thought that made her wince once more. The uncomfortable feeling in her chest tightened and soon enough it flared like red hot pain over her entire body. The mere strength of it caught her off guard and Brave squeezed her eyes shut once more as a tremor passed through her. She had gone through quite a bit in her life, but this was different. This visceral reaction, this uncomfortableness, this... this desire to Not Exist was strong - all it would take was a quick rake of her claws against her throat. It left her breathless and pained, ears pulled back as her breathing quickened. Tears slipped easily from her eyes and before she knew it her paws were damp from their fall. Hooked claws slid from their sheaths and dug into the ground, teeth clamping together in an effort to force her emotions back down.

But the dam was broken, shattered beyond repair. And Bravebird? she was caught in the crosshairs, forced to suffer the torrential waves that careened straight towards her.

.

. .

. . .

Bravebird was unaware how long she stayed like that, shaking and sobbing like she was no older than a newborn kit. The pain was unbearable, each moment worse than the last. It had her by the throat, squeezing tighter until finally it started to fade away. Her shoulder deflated and her head came to rest on her paws as pitiful whimpers left her. "...I don't know how to be brave anymore, Fern." It was pathetic, blubbering like this to a cat who didn't deserve it - who deserved more. Deserved a mentor who didn't disappear, or die, or distance herself. "I need you here, to teach me. To show me. I don't... I don't know where my path lies anymore, Fern. I- I miss you."

That was the simple truth, the one unchanging fact amidst a sea of doubt. As Bravebird shifted her frightened gaze to the marker, she let out an unsteady breath. It was difficult to think of all the cats she was failing lately as she slipped further under the weight of invisible self-placed expectations. Twilightstar. Fallownose. Dapplebreeze. Hawkfur. Crowtooth. Brightpaw. Even Deadpaw, who had vanished without a trace. Sniffling the she-cat tucked her nose down into her paws. Her body started to shiver as the cold of the night settled in, reaching deep down into her bones to deliver a chilling ache that kept her in place.

Brave knew it wasn't smart to spend the night out here, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. So instead with her nose tucked under her paws she tried her best to shut out the shadowed thoughts that clawed at her mind, tail coming to wrap tightly by her side.

She would hold out hope for morning, and to watch the sun rise again. It was the least she could do.

[ closed. ]