Constructive Criticism on Your Writing

[BEAR.]

Hello everyone!

This thread's purpose is to give users an opportunity to have their writing, roleplay or otherwise, critiqued by other members.

For example, "I don't like your writing." would not be a valid form of constructive criticism ("concrit"). Concrit is indicating areas within writing that need improvement while also including suggestions to make it better.

Saying something like, "I don't understand why [character] is reacting the way they are, maybe include a reason in their thoughts?" would be.

Rules:

• Excerpts have a soft limit of 1,000 words. It can go over this; however, users are not obligated to critique the entirety of entries that exceed this.
  
  
• Keep posts WCO-appropriate and behave within our guidelines.
  
  
• Roleplays that are stylistic will be critiqued as if they are written in Standard English. Using French grammar (i.e. "he said yes !") or lowercasing everything (lapslock) is grounds for a callout.
  
  
• Be grateful for the feedback you receive, and don't be afraid to discuss things further with your critiquing partner.
  
  
• This thread is open to everyone. You are welcome to offer your own critique in reply to any post.
  
  
• You are not required to post an excerpt in order to participate as a critic, but if you do post something, please give someone else concrit.

There are no formal sign ups, but please include if you want your level of concrit to Be Nice or if you want it To Shreds. This determines how much positive/negative feedback you receive in the reviews. "Be Nice" will be structured more like a concrit sandwich, whereas "To Shreds" invites the critic to use a metaphorical fine-tooth comb on the post.

[The Cannibal]

I always love constructive criticism. Tear it to shreds.

Originally Posted by Duskflight

Already Hannibal could tell something was off about this tom, but he wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet, he didn't enjoy doing that. Most of the time things unfolded before him, and surely they would do the same here. The sharp pupils of Hannibal's fiery eyes narrowed just slightly, catching the darkening of his eyes at the response he gave. Obviously it wasn't what he was searching for. Then again, when did he ever give cats what they were searching for without a price?
Regardless, he played it off as if he hadn't seen the look and continued to smile politely at the tom as he sighed and shook his head, preparing to say something. What would next come out of Thrush's mouth completely wiped off Hannibal's act. It was like a gust of wind blew off a costume. His smile dropped, the friendly demeanor he had put on vanished, and he was the stone he always was, staring blankly at the tom before him.
Perhaps he's hallucinating. Has some sort of disorder that causes him to come up with delusions. Or maybe he's not. I need answers.
"I will tell you where Windclan is if you explain yourself. What do you mean you died, it's quite obvious you're alive. Quid pro quo."
If there was anything that Hannibal was interested in, it was collecting more information. This tom had immediately sparked his interest with that statement. Now it's possible that he was delusional, but there was the possibility that what he said was real. Perhaps he had been granted a life by whatever higher power it was that the clans gave thanks to, such as how a leader receives their lives. Or a freak accident. Regardless of the nature, the dark grey tom wanted to know. And he'd be happy to let Thrush have what he wanted to know, but only if he shared information.

[pomegranate]

Originally Posted by jingle pom

Ringpaw jolted awake as Shinefang called her name. Blinking her green eyes, the calico cleared the strange fogginess clouding her gaze. Tears sparked at the edge of her vision for some reason; this always happened when she woke up, even if she was happy.
“I got it!” She responded, scrambling out of her nest. She took note of how messy and embarrassing her pelt must look, but thinking that it was only Shinefang who would see her, she didn’t stop to clean it. Her fur was sticking up in places, with shreds of moss and lichen from her nest clinging on here and there. Her tail fur and belly fur was a bit knotted and messy, but Ringpaw didn’t mind. It was her bed-pelt. Everyone had a bed-pelt, it just so happened hers was a very bad one today. She reached up on the stores, the mottled calico sniffing here and there for the strongly scented bark. Willow bark was distinct in a way, even though it looked like regular tree-bark. His joints must be hurting again, Ringpaw noted to herself. Although, it was early for him to get up, even for Shinefang. Sometimes he woke her up, or- most likely- Ringpaw woke up but disturbed him with her racket.
Leaning on the most used herb shelf, she peered around to where she could easily reach the willow bark. Delicately, so she wouldn’t crunch the bark, she grabbed a few of the shreds before turning to dash into the main area.
“Oh!” She exclaimed, at the sight and smell of a new cat. The bark dropped from her mouth, landing with a plop at her forepaws. Thunderclan! Her mind hissed, and Ringpaw’s messy fur rose along her spine, her eyes turning to slits. Oh hush Ringpaw, if they were unfriendly Shinefang would have done something about it already. She reminded herself, and she flattened down her spine to appear more friendly. “Who are you?” She asked curiously. No hint of rudeness or anger was left in her voice, it had all melted from her previous fright into a calmer state. She crept forward to greet them, before turning to nudge the willow bark in Shinefang’s direction. “I hope I got you enough.” She said, before taking a hurried step back. “Erm, as you can see... my pelts a bit disgusting. Is it okay if I go and clean up real quick?” She asked Shinefang, her face flushing with heat as she scolded herself for not washing her pelt earlier.

Originally Posted by jingle pom

Ringpaw quickly ducked out of sight to groom herself. Pull her tongue, tug out a tangle, repeat. It was almost methodical, it calmed her down. Another medicine cat? Already? She had just gotten used to Caliaflame, and now she had a new feline to meet. Ringpaw wished that she had had more time to talk to the old Thunderclan medicine cat, she had seemed like an interesting molly. Ringpaw shrugged it off. She couldn’t miss something she never had. Finishing up on her pelt, she inspected her tail with spiteful eyes. The longer fur there was matted, so she rasped her bristled tongue over it briefly before standing to shake her pelt out. She felt more awake now, her consciousness snapping into place.
As she reentered, she felt her pelt burning oddly. She couldn’t believe that a second ago she had introduced herself to the new medicine cat with such messy fur. Shinefang was already so self conscious about others seeing him not at his best, what about now? Of course, the excitement of a new cat rushed back in to her. “You’re Thunderclan’s new medicine cat? That’s so cool! You were a warrior,” She said with curiosity. Ringpaw carefully observed Shinefang from the side of her eyes, making sure the willow bark was kicking in. She almost felt defensive of him, which was odd, as he could easily take her down any time. But she still couldn’t help but wonder why Tallmarsh was scrutinizing them; an elderly tom needing help standing up and a messy-furred apprentice who slept in until it was nearly sunhigh. Ringpaw didn’t like the odd way the blueish shecat was looking at her.
“Hmm? Oh!” She said in surprise, her ears shooting upwards at the question. “Well, willow bark helps with joint pain, and dock leaf, I think.” She prattled, wrinkling her nose and squinting one eye as she tried to remember painkillers. For a second, she wondered about how Tallmarsh was feeling. A new role... what if Passionstar had just given it to her? Maybe she hadn’t even wanted it. Although she didn’t look angry or anything, just slightly bothered and very calm, like water. Ringpaw was dying to know her story,

Tear it to shreds <:
Just some context, this is when Tallmarsh was first given her new rank. Ringpaw awoke very messy and late, so her and Shinefang were surprised and were rushing around, that’s why it changes context so fast.