A warning

[Dizerel]

So there is something that has been concerning me more and more the longer I spend on this site. Im a lot different than I was five years ago. Back then I was an edgy teenager who didnt understand the world, didnt understand anything about sexuality or gender, and generally was pretty stupid. However, the worst mistake I ever made back then was to start looking at memes on an alt-right platform.

Back then I thought it was a joke. All those 'women are property' memes were funny at the time and I thought that those who were complaining were just people who couldnt take a joke. I had bought into the media of the alt-right, and it began to warp my view of the world. I became your basic 'white supremist' straight white male. It continued for a few years until my sexuality was starting to get questioned. From there, I was split, I didnt know what to believe in. All that time of being conditioned into thinking gay = bad and anyone who deviates from the norm of the 'straight white male' was bad or evil. Shortly after that, my gender even came into question.

It has been rough since then. My life has been a constant battle. Ive even gone out of my way to study the different moral bases of each group, hoping to get some sort of answer or cure. So often, I hear someone say 'trans rights!' and almost on instinct want to say something snarky like 'trans people already have all the rights that everyone else has'.... even though im trans myself now. I know that its wrong, when I think about it, it becomes even more apparent how wrong it is, but these natural reactions are so deeply instilled in me. It hurts thinking that Im just a robot trained to be hateful.

I joined back into WCO because I wanted something different. I wanted to surround myself with people who would prove to my inner self that the alt-right is evil. However, in doing so, I feel like I have endangered you all. Like I said, I constantly get the urge to say or do offensive things, either as instinct, or just to see what sort of reaction I would get. I need help. My morals have been deeply skewed, and this is something that a therapist cant fix. I have to ultimately fix it myself.

This is not an excuse for my behavior, either. I will try my best to avoid anything bad, but I am responsible for what I say and do. Even though I have only been back for a month, I already love you all, and want no harm to come to any of you. Please take this as a warning. Im trying to work through my issues. I dont want to hold myself back from enjoying your company, but that means running the risk of someone getting hurt. I guess what im trying to say is... be careful around me. Its not a case of me being edgy and trying to distance myself. I just.... I guess I have a different kind of mental illness. No amount of studying psychology will cure it from me. Its something that I have to unlearn. Being here is already helping me with that.

I dont want this to be dramatic. I just want it to be a basis for people to know before they engage with me. There are no hard feelings if you wish to distance yourself from me after hearing any of this. WCO is my positivity sink. I come here to be as happy and positive as I can be. To unlearn my engrained toxic behaviors, but that wont be without a few bumps. For those of you that still wish to socialize with me, even at the risk it poses, I truly appreciate it.



Here is to positivity and fighting your mental health problems.

[ChillCat]

I don't know you, but it's a great thing that you are recognizing your problems and working on them. Surrounding yourself with good people is a great idea! I'd say if you're on any social media sites like reddit or twitter, to remember that you have control over what your experience is like. I used to have a reddit account that I had to delete for other reasons, but when I made a new one, I realized a lot of the subreddits I was subscribed to didn't make me happy. I was pretty big into Marie Kondo at the time, so I went through all the subreddits and asked myself if they sparked joy. If it didn't, out the door it went. Same with youtube channels, deviantart, and I'm trying with Tumblr but it doesn't let me unfollow blogs because it's a terrible site XP. The point is that you control what you see, and if it doesn't spark joy, ditch it!
Note: 4chan is a very slippery slope. I checked it out because I saw some funny greentexts but the first thread I saw was somebody saying why n*zis did nothing wrong so i decided 4chan wasn't for me. @Dizerel

[Dizerel]

Im not much of a social media person, to be honest. I have an instagram, snapchat, twitter, etc, but its rare for me to use them more than once a month, if even that often. Instead, I use something a lot worse. An old app known as "Ifunny". You have probably seen their watermarks floating around. They arent too far off from 4chan in terms of how alt-right they are. Ditching Ifunny feels wrong. Half of ifunny is actually just animals being cute. 1/4th is funny memes (sometimes they are offensive) and the last 1/4th is just political propoganda. I dont want to give up the cute animals or the funny memes. Ive been trained to accept offensive jokes as comedy and sometimes, if a joke ISNT offensive, I find it too 'safe', something which I have been trying to break away from.

// @ChillCat

[Flashtail]

I dont know you but by what you said I can tell you're a good person at heart and want to be a good person and you know it, and thats one of the best things to have, @Dizerel

[Astraea]

Diz. We all have issues that need fixing , But not everyone wants to share them. I will hope you can understand my story.

I am someone who is super easy to lie too and I'm super vulnerable. I have alot of issues from being rude to be a full blown asshole. And I will never use my ODD as an excuse for it. I have a really bad attitude. And I am also trying to get rid of it completely. At one point I thought I was going to be asshole for the rest if my life. In the words of my mother. "Fox you have a bad attitude and that's what I hope will help you in the future because this World is going to be hell." So I set my self to be a rude person. And I am just now realising that all the actions I had done in the past that were rude or disrespectful are not okay. And I really hope that I can stop that crap here and now. Its going to take time , So I hope me and you can get over this. And I've only known you for about a month now. And I can say that you are an awesome ass person! I love you and I support you no matter what. @Dizerel

[Dizerel]

Thank you it means a lot to me. Everyone has their own struggles they are going through. Ive been taught that toxic behavior is okay and I need to unlearn it. @Dirtkit9

[Dizerel]

Originally Posted by ~Fox~

Diz. We all have issues that need fixing , But not everyone wants to share them. I will hope you can understand my story.

I am someone who is super easy to lie too and I'm super vulnerable. I have alot of issues from being rude to be a full blown asshole. And I will never use my ODD as an excuse for it. I have a really bad attitude. And I am also trying to get rid of it completely. At one point I thought I was going to be asshole for the rest if my life. In the words of my mother. "Fox you have a bad attitude and that's what I hope will help you in the future because this World is going to be hell." So I set my self to be a rude person. And I am just now realising that all the actions I had done in the past that were rude or disrespectful are not okay. And I really hope that I can stop that crap here and now. Its going to take time , So I hope me and you can get over this. And I've only known you for about a month now. And I can say that you are an awesome ass person! I love you and I support you no matter what. @Dizerel

I think its one of the things that inspired me to be a psychologist. and its also all of the love that is going behind Junipersong. Junipersong the character is the culmination of everything I have learned so far. Every psychology trick, all the effort I have put in to improve myself as a person, every good feeling I have inside of me, all of it is channeled into that outlet. Ive probably made more anti-toxicity progress in a few weeks of roleplaying Junipersong than I have the past 6 months of my life before WCO. Its probably why I crave to roleplay her constantly. It feels good to be positive! No matter how bad a day I have at work, coming home and being able to imagine myself as this pure, wholesome little (well, maybe not little) cat improves my mood instantly and heals my soul.

[~Fierce~]

I love that you are admitting to it. I personally aren't a rude person as others see me but I know that I am a rude person. I have a hard time saying no due to wanting to be a good person. I always judge people by their looks and I always want to be one of the cool kids. I want other people to see me as cool. Because I want that, I always care about how I look on the outside instead of caring about how I look on the inside. I'm insecure about my looks and don't stay true to myself. I feel like I was given the choice to choose between two roads, the good road and the bad road. I feel that I chose the good road, felt like I got lost, backtracked, took the bad road, felt like I got lost again, backtracked, and now, since I joined WCO, am stuck looking at both roads to see which is the right one. I always act like I care about lgbtq+ community but then I always find myself thinking otherwise. I'm a nerd and I don't want to be one. I want to learn to not listen to what other people say about me but it's hard. @Dizerel