Venompaw walked into the den, looking around for his sister. It'd been ages since he'd seen her last and, even though they'd fought last time they'd seen each other, he wanted to try and make amends.
He'd been a bit harsh to her before. He should have been checking in on her even if she wasn't checking in on him. Someone had needed to build that bridge and it would be him.
"Rookpaw!" he whisper-yelled looking around at the sleeping pelts. "Are you in here?" he waited a moment, trying to gather his thoughts.
Rookpaw was getting drowsy. She often had trouble sleeping when anxious thoughts gathered in her mind. Her coping mechanism was...odd. To get rid of the random guilt that sprouted with every intrusive thought, she tried to punish herself mentally., Either imagining the anxiety in her stomach burst out of her, tearing her body into a million pieces, leaking out of her face, or, a crueler method, imagining a horrible horrible scenario where she does nothing wrong and everyone boycotts her anyway. Imagining everyone that left her and thinking that they left her for a reason. And she couldn't shake off the pain by quietly leaning on her best friend, because he was gone. And she couldn't distract herself from the fear by teasing her frienemy, because they'd drifted apart. All she had were her sadistic, yet entirely self-inflicted fantasies. "What if I met Blackhaze one day. What if he hated me for what I said to Venompaw? What if Finchpaw moved away, with new friends to care about? What if everyone just told me I wasn't good enough?"
"...Then I would deserve it..."
The she-cat was laying on her side drowsily, forgetting about the guilt and remembering that the world was unfair, it didn't matter how good she was. It was fine. Until she could almost hear a voice from her nightmares come back to her. A narrow amber eye popped open and examined the darkness. It settled on a silhouette that made her breath stop. It was the past come to haunt her.
Rookpaw was getting drowsy. She often had trouble sleeping when anxious thoughts gathered in her mind. Her coping mechanism was...odd. To get rid of the random guilt that sprouted with every intrusive thought, she tried to punish herself mentally., Either imagining the anxiety in her stomach burst out of her, tearing her body into a million pieces, leaking out of her face, or, a crueler method, imagining a horrible horrible scenario where she does nothing wrong and everyone boycotts her anyway. Imagining everyone that left her and thinking that they left her for a reason. And she couldn't shake off the pain by quietly leaning on her best friend, because he was gone. And she couldn't distract herself from the fear by teasing her frienemy, because they'd drifted apart. All she had were her sadistic, yet entirely self-inflicted fantasies. "What if I met Blackhaze one day. What if he hated me for what I said to Venompaw? What if Finchpaw moved away, with new friends to care about? What if everyone just told me I wasn't good enough?"
"...Then I would deserve it..."
The she-cat was laying on her side drowsily, forgetting about the guilt and remembering that the world was unfair, it didn't matter how good she was. It was fine. Until she could almost hear a voice from her nightmares come back to her. A narrow amber eye popped open and examined the darkness. It settled on a silhouette that made her breath stop. It was the past come to haunt her.
"You're back."
Venompaw smiled and made his way over to Rookpaw, careful not to wake any sleeping apprentices, before sitting down beside her. He wondered briefly if she was still mad at him and the smile was wiped off of his face.
"I'm sorry." He spoke quickly and suddenly, wishing he could get this over with. "I'm sorry I left you behind and said hurtful things. I'm sorry that I didn't check up on you. I'm sorry that you were alone when mom left. I'm sorry dad couldn't visit you. I'm so sorry Roopaw." his head bowed as he looked at his paws. He felt like fox-dung. a small tear escaped his eye and he was suddenly so overwhelmed with sorrow. He'd wasted so much time here, fighting with his sister.
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You don't need to ask for permission to have a crush on my character. Can't promise it'll go anywhere but crushes are fine by me
Venompaw smiled and made his way over to Rookpaw, careful not to wake any sleeping apprentices, before sitting down beside her. He wondered briefly if she was still mad at him and the smile was wiped off of his face.
"I'm sorry." He spoke quickly and suddenly, wishing he could get this over with. "I'm sorry I left you behind and said hurtful things. I'm sorry that I didn't check up on you. I'm sorry that you were alone when mom left. I'm sorry dad couldn't visit you. I'm so sorry Roopaw." his head bowed as he looked at his paws. He felt like fox-dung. a small tear escaped his eye and he was suddenly so overwhelmed with sorrow. He'd wasted so much time here, fighting with his sister.
For a moment, Rookpaw looked around, to make sure she wasn't dreaming. He'd...he'd returned. She didn't know how to react. Part of her didn't want to react, move on. But then she remembered:
Charcoalkit was surprised to have been tackled like that by her brother, almost falling backwards. She wrapped her paws around him in a hug. She had expected none of her siblings to miss her that much.
"Yes I'm back! Some mean ignoramuses dared me to go out if camp and I got lost. Though I guess I'm the dumb one for agreeing." she laughed as she hugged him. He seemed more upset than usual. Normally he'd make snarky remarks with her.
Back when she left, Venomkit had missed her. He told her that. He was just as sad that everyone was gone now. Nut then she remembered again:
Venomkit shook his head, “Nightkit is gone too... I was the only one left...”
She was second best. Or third best. Last best? She was the leftover. The one left behind. She would have to do. And again:
Rookpaw stared at him panting for a minute and then turned away. She collapsed, laying on her side in her nest. Why had they never cared for her? She'd tried to get along. She'd seen other siblings fight, much more than they had, and still be close. But they just...never made an effort. I guess family wasn't that important...Or was it?
A dark thought, one that had long haunted her mind arose again. Every time Doeflame looked at her siblings up close, she would tell them stories of their father and how they reminded her of him. And when she looked over at Charcoalkit, currently Rookpaw, the young cat got a weird sense that something was off and Doeflame knew what it was. And, by now, she knew too...
"You...talk to fath-Blackhaze, don't you? You could've at least told me that...I'm...that...Ugh, then at least I would've stopped hoping a long time ago."
They'd fought. She'd fought. Vemonpaw hadn't cared enough to fight, had he? Right after everything that happened. And it was going to happen again. It always happened. Everyone leaves. "It's Ok, I'm not upset." she said. There was no use fighting. Everyone leaves. "It's good that you're back." It didn't matter where he was now. Everyone leaves.
For a moment, Rookpaw looked around, to make sure she wasn't dreaming. He'd...he'd returned. She didn't know how to react. Part of her didn't want to react, move on. But then she remembered:
Charcoalkit was surprised to have been tackled like that by her brother, almost falling backwards. She wrapped her paws around him in a hug. She had expected none of her siblings to miss her that much.
"Yes I'm back! Some mean ignoramuses dared me to go out if camp and I got lost. Though I guess I'm the dumb one for agreeing." she laughed as she hugged him. He seemed more upset than usual. Normally he'd make snarky remarks with her.
Back when she left, Venomkit had missed her. He told her that. He was just as sad that everyone was gone now. Nut then she remembered again:
Venomkit shook his head, “Nightkit is gone too... I was the only one left...”
She was second best. Or third best. Last best? She was the leftover. The one left behind. She would have to do. And again:
Rookpaw stared at him panting for a minute and then turned away. She collapsed, laying on her side in her nest. Why had they never cared for her? She'd tried to get along. She'd seen other siblings fight, much more than they had, and still be close. But they just...never made an effort. I guess family wasn't that important...Or was it?
A dark thought, one that had long haunted her mind arose again. Every time Doeflame looked at her siblings up close, she would tell them stories of their father and how they reminded her of him. And when she looked over at Charcoalkit, currently Rookpaw, the young cat got a weird sense that something was off and Doeflame knew what it was. And, by now, she knew too...
"You...talk to fath-Blackhaze, don't you? You could've at least told me that...I'm...that...Ugh, then at least I would've stopped hoping a long time ago."
They'd fought. She'd fought. Vemonpaw hadn't cared enough to fight, had he? Right after everything that happened. And it was going to happen again. It always happened. Everyone leaves. "It's Ok, I'm not upset." she said. There was no use fighting. Everyone leaves. "It's good that you're back." It didn't matter where he was now. Everyone leaves.
Venompaw’s frown deepened. “You don’t forgive me, do you?” he didn’t blame her but... he’d... “why do you not like me?” He finally asked. Since they’d become apprentices it seemed like all she ever did was pick fights with him. Every time he’d tried to reach out she wanted to start something and he didn’t understand it.
She complained about them never speaking on the day he was trying to speak to her. It infuriated him to no end that she always refused to ever just let go or have a conversation.
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You don't need to ask for permission to have a crush on my character. Can't promise it'll go anywhere but crushes are fine by me
Rookpaw's expression changed to that of unspecified pain. She didn't know where to go from here. She wouldn't lie, she never lied! She simply skipped over information. She didn't know what to do when someone picked up on it, even if that someone is technically wrong. "I...Why would you think that? I DO forgive you! I didn't say I didn't. There's no point in holding grudges, those are exhausting. A-And I always thought you didn't like ME! I wasn't good enough! Everyone just leaves!" Everyone leaves.
Rookpaw's expression changed to that of unspecified pain. She didn't know where to go from here. She wouldn't lie, she never lied! She simply skipped over information. She didn't know what to do when someone picked up on it, even if that someone is technically wrong. "I...Why would you think that? I DO forgive you! I didn't say I didn't. There's no point in holding grudges, those are exhausting. A-And I always thought you didn't like ME! I wasn't good enough! Everyone just leaves!" Everyone leaves.
And now Venompaw was peeved. Once again Rookpaw was being ridiculous and not looking at the bigger picture. "Rookpaw cats get busy! cats get lost! And ya, some cats leave... That doesn't mean they love you any less." He paused, debating whether to actually start this argument or now.
"Rookpaw do you remember what started our argument last time? Do you? I was trying to talk to you. I was trying to connect with you since we'd gotten busy and I wanted to say hi. Do you know what you did Rookpaw? You yelled at me. You made me feel like mouse dung for having things to do. I tried to reach out, you didn't. You can't blame everyone else. You can't say I hate you when it's only ever been me reaching out to you. And every time you shut me down one way or another. We are siblings, we fight, we argue, we lose touch, but at the end of the day, we're still siblings. The only one of us that thinks you aren't good enough is you. You're driven, you're smart, you're strong, and you know what you're doing. You are more than enough so get it through your thick skull that I'm here for you ok." by the end of his rant he was panting, but he'd said what he needed to say. This was it. This was the make-or-break moment. They'd always be siblings but... he wasn't sure they'd be friends.
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You don't need to ask for permission to have a crush on my character. Can't promise it'll go anywhere but crushes are fine by me
Rookpaw listened. Oddly enough she felt herself getting a little bored, as she always did when being lectured. She wasn't exactly sure how to feel. People were usually hostile to her, wanting to cause her harm, so her instinctive response was to talk back and make excuses. The direction of this conversation unnerved her. Suddenly, Venompaw was hellbent on convincing her they were siblings again, even after feeling proven again and again that she'd never feel like part of anything. "Cats leave and it used to hurt me. I thought I was the problem! It doesn't anymore because I've gotten over it. At least, with mom and with Finchpaw, I could think they had accidents, that hey had real reasons. But not the people who once told me they were my friends and then forgot I was there. So, if I let you in, if I let myself trust that you want to be my friend, how do I know im not doodling myself to another disappointment!? Heh, I want us to get along, I told you I'm fine and that I forgive you, because I wanted to enjoy whatever time we had as friends before you decided I wasn't good enough. I've noticed the people that leave don't often realize that they will, eventually, I didn't want to upset you with something you didn't understand." she said, her voice ironic and sad.
Rookpaw listened. Oddly enough she felt herself getting a little bored, as she always did when being lectured. She wasn't exactly sure how to feel. People were usually hostile to her, wanting to cause her harm, so her instinctive response was to talk back and make excuses. The direction of this conversation unnerved her. Suddenly, Venompaw was hellbent on convincing her they were siblings again, even after feeling proven again and again that she'd never feel like part of anything. "Cats leave and it used to hurt me. I thought I was the problem! It doesn't anymore because I've gotten over it. At least, with mom and with Finchpaw, I could think they had accidents, that hey had real reasons. But not the people who once told me they were my friends and then forgot I was there. So, if I let you in, if I let myself trust that you want to be my friend, how do I know im not doodling myself to another disappointment!? Heh, I want us to get along, I told you I'm fine and that I forgive you, because I wanted to enjoy whatever time we had as friends before you decided I wasn't good enough. I've noticed the people that leave don't often realize that they will, eventually, I didn't want to upset you with something you didn't understand." she said, her voice ironic and sad.
Venompaw sigh, he was beginning to feel like this would go no were. "Reach out to cats. I get busy, really busy. I get lost in work and sometimes I forget to check-in. That's on me. You got really busy too. Clan life is busy. We both have to put in the effort to make time for each other. It's hard, it won't come as easily s it did before because we have jobs and lives. We could make a plan. Every other week we could go on a moonlight walk? Or a midday hunt. There are a million things we could do, but we've got to do it together."
He was tired, he'd not slept in days trying to get back here and now... He didn't even want to sleep, h wanted to hang out with his sister. They were all the family they had left. "We're all we've got Rookpaw. Mom is gone, so is Nightkit, Dad hasn't spoken to me in moons. There is no one left. Everyone that looked out for us disappeared and now we are on our own ok? So let's make this work." he was giving this his all, every ounce of speech training his father had given him. All of the coaching on how to gather people to your cause, right here.
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You don't need to ask for permission to have a crush on my character. Can't promise it'll go anywhere but crushes are fine by me
Rookpaw was honestly tired at this point. She was never going to let go of this valuable, important life lesson, that no one's ever truly going to care for you and will leave you at the first opportunity for something better. If Nightkit ever came back from a mysterious disappearance she knew she was getting ousted like crowfood. But it was fine to pretend, once in a while, that things were going to last. Maybe , if she ever got to feel like she had family, the happy memories wouldn't get soiled by the bitter pain of betrayal. "I...yes, I want us to be siblings again. You know what it was like when mom left, when our siblings left, when everyone left. And I have a feeling Dawnstar won't be too lenient on us, so you know what it's like. I don't want us to feel obligated to be siblings, if we try to have conversations once in a while, maybe it'll work. Now tell me, where did you go? What happened?"
Re: ShadowClan Apprentices' Den
