muahahahah y'all wanna give criticism on one of my character introductions? this bit of writing has to be one of my favorite things I've ever written before in my life lol
A cup of hot cocoa warmed my fingers as I cradled it, trying not to spill. I don’t know why this mystery man thought it was a good idea to have an open-lidded hot beverage in his car while driving down perhaps the bumpiest highway on earth. He must be an idiot.
“Sooo…why did you need to talk to me?” I asked as the clouds cried onto the car roof. The sound was relaxing in some ways. “Are you trying to get me to sponsor your cocoa?” I add sarcastically. The man gives me a side-eye, but doesn’t turn his head. At least he isn’t dumb enough to take his eyes off the highway for too long. I relaxed a little bit at the thought that the mystery man was an alright driver.
“Y’know, I really should’ve made you sit in the back seat. Or just shoved you into my trunk, but I doubt your lanky legs would’ve fit and that’d be suspicious enough to get the cops called,” he replied. I raise my eyebrows at him, trying to discern if that was a joke or not. At least he had chosen not to stuff me into his trunk. I look back behind the front row, surprised to see a booster seat. Did this man have children? I asked as much of him.
The man laughed. “You’re a nosy little-” I was thrown forward in my seat as he braked not too softly. I fix Mystery Man with a glare. I swear he was smirking a bit. “As I was saying, yes. Or no. It’s up to you.”
Last edited by bite; December 8th, 2022 at 09:50 PM.
Thank you! I will add a small part of a story named the Shark and the The Hydra:
CHAPTER 1:
THE ADVENT OF THE SHARK
The two men were looking at the sea, it had been like that for two days. Since the crash of that strange and angular ship, the two men only knew that they were serving a greater power, a god of the stars, their savior, he had given them women, food and pleasure. Their masters, large machines with turquoise blue armor and a hydra on one shoulder called this deity Slaanesh, and from what they had learned, their masters were part of a gigantic army called the Alpha Legion. They were the lords and they were the servants, and they were proud of it.
-Damn," exclaimed one of the men, "it looks like we're in for a foggy day, did you check the equipment?
-Yes, everything is in order, I just hope that the condensation won't screw up the sighting system like last time, do you remember the chief's face?
-How could I forget, we were in the hole for two days, but well, that's the way it is.
While they were talking, they looked at the sea, which would have been blue and beautiful if it hadn't been for the veil of mist that covered it, like a bride's shawl. The two men stood still to admire the spectacle, both magical and frightening, and suddenly one of them exclaimed:
-Stay here as a sentry, I have to go to the small corner, if there is something, warn me.
-Okay," said the second man.
The man walked away, leaving the other one in place, a few moments later, the sentry thought he could make out a blurred silhouette in the mist
-Is that you?" he asked.
However, the figure vanished into the mist without answering, the sentry grabbed his rifle.
-Is that you? Answer me please, if you are making a joke, it is in very bad taste.
Only a rustling sound answered him, the sentry aimed at another abnormally tall figure that was heading towards him.
-Halt! Identify yourself or I'll shoot!
However, no response came, he thought of pulling the trigger for a second but dismissed the idea, and if it was one of the masters doing an inspection, what would he do if a shot damaged him, despite all his doubts, he continued to hold the approaching figure at gunpoint. Suddenly, a gust of wind cleared the mist and the man almost collapsed, in front of him stood a lord, but he was different, in a gray and white armor, he blended perfectly into the mist, he wore on his skin strange symbols and necklaces made of creatures' teeth, on his shoulder was painted a shark, whose eyes seemed to stare at him, as a promise of death, the head of the lord was also gray and white, but with eyes black as the abyss, in one hand he held a knife, reddened with blood and in the other hand. ... He held back a vomit, his teammate's head was swaying to the rhythm of the lord's steps, his head still expressing surprise and fear. He opened fire, trying to push back this creature disguised as a lord, the bullets ricocheted off his body, tracing grooves in the skin that revealed a metal-colored skin, the creature did not seem to notice the bullets, as if they were only gnats, and, In a movement so fast that the sentry could not dodge it, it plunged its knife into his torso, the sentry fell backwards and bled to death, his last sight was a circle of several creatures standing over him, staring at him in agony, then his heart stopped beating and he died. ....
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Re: Writers and roleplayers club!
Quote:
Originally Posted by val
muahahahah y'all wanna give criticism on one of my character introductions? this bit of writing has to be one of my favorite things I've ever written before in my life lol
A cup of hot cocoa warmed my fingers as I cradled it, trying not to spill. I don’t know why this mystery man thought it was a good idea to have an open-lidded hot beverage in his car while driving down perhaps the bumpiest highway on earth. He must be an idiot.
“Sooo…why did you need to talk to me?” I asked as the clouds cried onto the car roof. The sound was relaxing in some ways. “Are you trying to get me to sponsor your cocoa?” I add sarcastically. The man gives me a side-eye, but doesn’t turn his head. At least he isn’t dumb enough to take his eyes off the highway for too long. I relaxed a little bit at the thought that the mystery man was an alright driver.
“Y’know, I really should’ve made you sit in the back seat. Or just shoved you into my trunk, but I doubt your lanky legs would’ve fit and that’d be suspicious enough to get the cops called,” he replied. I raise my eyebrows at him, trying to discern if that was a joke or not. At least he had chosen not to stuff me into his trunk. I look back behind the front row, surprised to see a booster seat. Did this man have children? I asked as much of him.
The man laughed. “You’re a nosy little-” I was thrown forward in my seat as he braked not too softly. I fix Mystery Man with a glare. I swear he was smirking a bit. “As I was saying, yes. Or no. It’s up to you.”
WOA, SO GOOD! Must. read. more.
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Re: Writers and roleplayers club!
