-- the nomad [ private ]

[ameko]

[ @tinyalienboy ]
[ i'm still working on what font/size/color to use; please bear with me ]

the slightest sliver of the silver moon peeked out from underneath the clouds, subtle in its glow. leaves crunched underneath a sleek bombay tom's pads as he made his way through the forest, eager to find something interesting. that was just his nature; adelmo was never captivated by anything for more than a heartbeat, onto the next cool thing in the blink of an eye. he always needed something to distract him from his thoughts, else he would lay victim to misery.

that was one of his flaws. he had had so many chances for friendship with different cats, but every single time, he messed it up. no matter what he did, no matter who it was, he could never stop himself from growing disinterested and cold. it had happened with his old friends, it had happened with his lover... and it had happened with cosima. it seemed he was destined to die as he had lived; alone, swallowed up in the depths of his mind.

he was drowning in a sea of sorrow, hidden by a mask of apathy, and nobody could save him.

and so, with these negative thoughts, he continued onwards, increasing his stride into a jog. he could only hope to outrun the ground crumbling beneath him, giving way into nothingness--an abyss.

[lio]

the world was caving in.

a grey feline curled within a hollowed tree, protected from the outside. but it felt as if he was trapped. he couldn't breathe. he couldn't think. with small heart pounded in a heaving chest, black spots surrounded his vision.

cosima couldn't do this anymore.

had he truly believed that adelmo would stick by him? that anybody would? it was a ridiculous thought, even for him. cosima's ears flattened. every sound felt like his head was splitting in two. when would it end?

the demiboy lifted to his paws. he needed air. his lungs felt tight, his eyes watering. claws tore at the cool dirt below him, tail lashing sporadically. leaves were strewn everywhere, free from their restraints of the tree's branches. but without the supporting life-force of the large plant, every fallen leaf had shriveled and died.

is that what was happening? was cosima dying? no. he couldn't possibly be. all that he needed was a drink. yeah, that would do. calm his mind with the soothing slide of water slipping down his throat. water. cold and free. it had no worries, for it is a main source of usage within the world.

cosima? well, he was nothing. adelmo had drifted onwards because he was bored. because he was free, with the nagging urge for adventure. cosima, however, was struggling and pulling for freedom, but the more he fought, the further he was tugged into the piercing darkness of his mind.

it couldn't happen. not again. all he needed was to relax, sit in peace, and allow himself to clear his mind. the others had reasons to leave, even adelmo. cosima was simply frozen in the torturous cage of anxiety. and he couldn't escape. every single time he tried, an opposing force would drag him into this state again. he couldn't control it.

one paw in front of the other, thought the feral feline, wheezing with every breath. just a few more tail-lengths. huff, huff, his breath blew.

finally, cosima collasped.

[ameko]

adelmo could feel nothing but the wind tearing past him, claws spraying dirt in his wake. tears blurred his vision, yet no matter how many times he blinked them away, they always came back full-force.

there was nothing left for him. life had made that crystal clear, after forcing him away from cosima, one of his closest friends, his cousin.

the trees shivered and the leaves danced in the air as the black tom ran, tail streaming out behind him. he was a disaster. not only had he lost everyone dear to him, he was wreaking even more havoc by scaring away what little prey was left in this otherwise untouched, serene territory. his stomach growled at the thought of that lost food. it had been a day (or more?) since his last meal.

adelmo's breath came out in pants, body crying out for a break from this relentless exercise. he hadn't gotten any proper activity in a long while.

fortunately, he got what he wanted; paws skidded against the ground and claws screeched against stone as he forced himself to a halt. he was just mouselengths away from a ravine! he breathed a sigh of--was it relief? or... something else?--and raised his head, looking around the small clearing he had come upon with an emotionless gaze.

there was no glint in his eyes, no spark of inspiration, no yearning for an adventure. there was nothing left behind those yellow eyes of his. just--dullness. "such a mess," he growled. "i am such a mess." self-pity was, unfortunately, something he took to often.

he was supposed to be the independent one, the one who could take care of himself, the one who took care of cosima.

adelmo felt the tears returning, pricking his eyes. stop, please stop, the tom thought, trying to speak but unable to force anything legible out. i'm supposed to be strong. he sank to the ground, wrapping his tail around his body. sobs wracked his body. not now. he gasped for air, letting out a shuddering sigh.

and for the first time in moons, adelmo allowed himself to grieve.

[lio]

he felt as if his lungs had collapsed. the force of his pain hit cosima like a bolt of lightning, thundering through his body. each struggling breath brought a fresh swirl of an unbearable ache. it pierced his very being, soaking into his veins and twisting his brain.

cosima’s tail spasmed before it curled around his fallen form. the feline’s vision darkened greatly, leaving him clueless of his surroundings. grey fur bristled in a cool breeze, seeming like ice against a heated pelt. he felt as if he were dying the most painful, torturously slow death anyone could ever possibly imagine.

the demiboy gasped for air, lower jaw falling open. ears twitching, paws scrabbling, cosima searched for a way to leverage himself, even as he was crouched upon the ground. he cried out, a shrieking call for help fading into silence. blood pounded in deaf ears, the only sound being his own irregular, panic-stricken heartbeat.

his flesh was on fire. it was as if he was toppling down an endless pit of flames and despair, the talons of anxiety leaving scars on his body, as well as his mind. ever since adelmo had left, cosima hadn’t known how to care for himself. it had been adelmo who made sure he had eaten every day, that he got enough sleep and that his thoughts were clear of anything bad. with adelmo gone, he had nobody to do so.

cosima barely even knew how to hunt for himself, for goodness’ sake! he was far too clumsy and easily distracted to catch anything without scaring away all other prey. right now, the very thought of food made an acidic taste spread across his tongue. once again, he yelped a croaking cry for someone, anyone, to help him.

his voice cracked, a broken sound of the torment he felt. i’m going to die, he thought, a solid rock of despair settling in his stomach.

[ameko]

the height of his depression was also the lowest point of his life. two seemingly contradicting statements when said aloud, and yet they meant the same.

adelmo opened his eyes, taking in a heaving breath. his paws were shaking when he stood up, and his heart ached. i can't do this. i can't, his thoughts pleaded. still, he continued onwards, steadying himself when he nearly collapsed under his own weight. he had to push on, even if it meant being alone for the rest of his life. he just couldn't die a pitiful death from something like starvation or grief. he wasn't going to kill himself by depriving himself of the necessities.

that was just his nature.

the skinny tom forced himself to regulate his breathing. it had only been minutes, and he had already moved on. tired of it already, as per usual. "what a failure. can't even stay depressed," he grumbled.

for many more minutes, he sat and stared out into the forest, letting his mind wander. he was only jerked out of his thoughts when he felt his stomach clawing at his insides, so he took to fixing that. standing up and flicking his tail, ignoring the pain in his tired bones, he opened his jaws to scent the air and smelled a mix of two scents: one too faint to make out clearly, and the second of something prey-like. they were both in the same direction--which would have been risky considering the first scent could be a predator, but it wasn't like adelmo cared anymore. for now, all he wanted was enough food to sustain himself. for a moment he felt disheartened, suddenly remembering that cosima depended on me for almost everything... and i left him to die. but he shoved that thought away--not without his stone-cold mask wavering for an instant. for now, he had to keep all thoughts that would hinder him from finding food locked away in the darkest corner of his mind.

keeping his pawsteps light and his tail low to the ground, as he had been taught, he searched for any sign of the no-doubt savory prey that he had scented. instead, he sniffed the air and noticed with a jolt that the first scent was much closer to him than he had originally thought.

it was... familiar. it made him sick to think about whose scent that belonged to, but he wasn't going to back down now. continuing forward, he uttered a single word, throat dry.

"hello?"

he wasn't sure what he was expecting when he saw cosima lying, broken and ragged, on the cold ground.

and
his
mask
of
apathy
shattered.

[lio]

cosima flinched at the sound of the voice, although familiar. still blinded, he looked around, but could not see whoever had spoken. the voice was very known, but foreign at the same time. it seemed tired and melancholy, as if the owner held the weight of the world on their shoulders. his ears perked, however, being lifted by some invisible hope that the pain would end.

but the voice brought a pang to his heart. the grey-furred tom whimpered quietly, muscles tense. he pulled his limbs closer to himself and tried to slow his breathing, even as he felt that he would never breathe normally ever again.

cosima blinked wildly before realizing that the voice could belong to an enemy. the newfound problem caused a spike to his anxiety, and he hissed, lowering his head to the ground. his maw clenched, claws tearing at the forest floor. would he ever be free of the prison he was held within?

the feral cat's nostrils flared, trying to suck in more oxygen. with the cold in the air, every wheeze tickled his nose. he focused on the world around him, although the noise emitted from the forest echoed in his ears, making it sound as if an explosion was going off in his ears. cosima whined, ears lowering against his skull.

thoughts rang here and there, both anxiety-ridden and encouraging. he then focused his best attention towards the newest presence in the clearing. the feline opened his mouth to speak, but his throat was parched, so the words were strained.

"please, help me," cosima pleaded, hoping that whoever was now here was friendly, and would actually give assistance. he maneuvered himself into a sitting position, head whipping around wildly to spot the other. somehow, the demiboy felt himself relaxing, although at a sluggish pace. he attempted to stand, but then lost balance and toppled over on his side.

[ameko]

adelmo's heart broke into a million pieces.

"gods above," he breathed, never taking his eyes off of the sorry sight that was once his closest friend. frozen in place, he could only watch at cosima, frail and sickly-looking, stumbled about as he tried to make his way to his paws. talons wrapped themselves around what was left of his broken heart, gripping them tight enough to choke on his oxygen--his life source. no words would come out. he was lost in a daze, staring at a stranger.

he didn't know this cat.

what had happened when he had left--no, abandoned cosima? he shouldn't have gone. what had he done? he had ruined not only himself, but the one who meant more to him than anything else in the universe. he was supposed to be the dependable one, and adelmo had destroyed any semblance of trust between them.

was this what happened to all of his friends when he left them? and--and his lover, too. he had left them all, and for what? adventure? freedom? i'm pathetic. a disgrace. how could anyone love him, when all he caused was pain? his tail shuddered, twitching frantically in the chilling air, and his breath came out in shallow pants.

adelmo was jolted out of his shock when the terribly thin tom fell back down to the forest floor, and adelmo raced to his friend, nudging him up with heartbreaking tenderness. "i-i..." was all he managed to say. i'm so sorry. you have no idea, cosima, i'm so sorry... trapped in his head once more, unable to speak, he knew that he couldn't return to his mask--not anymore. there was no turning back now.

ignoring the groaning in his limbs, the complaining of his stomach, he leaned against cosima in case his cousin fell down once more. now, he was going to be responsible. for once in his life, he wanted to make sure that someone could believe in him and trust him.

he didn't want to be a nomad anymore.

[lio]

[ @hearken ahhh sorry i'm replying so late !! ]

the demiboy's head raised, an expression of disbelief forming on his face. "adelmo?" he whispered, his voice merely a harrowing rasp. cosima whimpered and pressed himself against adelmo, his body relaxing with the warmth of his cousin. sluggishly, his vision's blockage subsided and he was able to see the area once again. he blinked multiple times before shakily looking towards adelmo.

"why are you here? i— i thought you left for your adventures," the tom asked, cocking his head to the side. cosima took a step forward, towards the stream, although he was trembling wildly. inhaling sharply, he fought to calm his racing pulse and obtain a rightful balance. his muscles tensed once again, battling against the pull of gravity.

he was glad that adelmo was here, yes, but now that it had happened once, he would just leave again. why put yourself through neverending torture and broken trust if all you want to have is a friend? cosima would rather die than submit to the call of the void. the demiboy loved pain, some could even say he lived off of it, but this was too much. his life was as if he were standing atop a frozen lake, but the ice was slowly cracking apart, readying to pull him into the abyss.

cosima decided not to speak. all he needed was to get a drink, some answers, and peace. adelmo would leave on his merry way to leave cosima on his own again, so what is the point of wasting his breath? as he always believed:

why waste your breath on words that will remain unheard by those too deaf to listen, when you can scream alone inside your head until the very day that you are dead?