good game. [raccoonear]

[pxxylo]

this link leads to a youtube video, containing a song you should listen to while reading this. x


Dear father. My dad, my abuser.

I've had some... unpleasant experiences. Some inconveniences, some mishaps and mistakes. I disliked that, but never in my entire life hated anything. Hate is too strong of an emotion, people may use hate to describe their own feelings, but deep down it isn't true, hatred is something way more than that, a rare occurrence that takes only the worst of the worst, something straight from hell to cause. You, dad. It's you. I hate you. You're horrible, you're a shame to have as a father. I can't believe what you did to me. I'm not surprised you come here now, apologizing. You come here, invading my dreams to try to say sorry. Even at the sight of you in my rest I'm sobbing in my sleep, where all the other warriors can see me. JUST the sight of you in my dreams, the one place I was actually safe from you while you were still alive. And here you are, invading that. That's why I hate you. Because that's the kind of person you are. Insensitive. The type to come crawling back after wronging someone so horribly. I hope you understand that.

"I don't forgive you." The words flowed from her mouth smoother than ever, because it was the raw truth. As simple as can be, she did not forgive him, and never will. As far as her deep blue eyes went, no sympathy or forgiveness for her father will be found. Infinite blue eyes, bottomless like the ocean, yet still nothing for him. Not a single ounce of forgiveness for him. There was none in his eyes when there should've been, when Raccoonpaw needed it the most. Raccoonpaw gave him a flame of kindness and he blew it out. So she tried again, and he blew it out again. It happened over and over again, but here we are now, where he comes crawling back with his own flame to offer to Raccoonear. All these flames, all of them blown out into nothingness. Normally, Raccoonear appreciated nothingness for what it really was. The calm of nothing happening, nothing being wrong, loud, or anything. Just nothing. But all those times where the spark was blown away, obliterated to nothing more, that was the kind of nothingness Raccoonear hated. Where two cats stand between each other and say nothing, when something needs to be said. When something needs to happen, where nothingness shouldn't be.

She looked at him and said, "Why are you here?" Claws digging into the ground, she stared at him, and he stared at her. His brown eyes held guilt and fake sadness. He never cared, even now, he's only doing this to get the guilt of his conscience. It was always fake kindness, even when he showed small amounts of kindness to Raccoonpaw, which was very rare, it was still never real. Never... ever. real. She collapsed into a pitiful wad of tears, all of those moons of emotional abuse coming out. In between sobs, she weakly cried. "Why.. why are you here?"

She whispered, feeling his gaze on her. She wanted it off. Off. OFF. "OFF!" She launched herself at him, pure hatred in her eyes. He was the only thing she hated in this world. Just him. And as soon as she was about to crash into him, he was gone.

She sat, looking at the ground. At her own paws, her own claws. She closed her eyes, a tear falling onto the ground. A small whisper left her."I... will never forgive you. I hate you, Father. I hate you. Stay out of.. my dreams. That is the one place i was safe from you back then. In my... in my dreams. My happy place, a far away place from reality, the harsh reality of having to deal with your abuse every day. It used to be a faraway place where sometimes... I could see Brother. We never talked, but I saw him sometimes. Behind trees, in the sky, in my own reflection. I don't need you to be here. You can't be here. I hate you." And just like that, she was awake, her fur damp from tears. That's always how it ends, im crying and left with the memory of what's just happened, expected to just go on about my usual day.