tell me about your past thinking your future is me[private]

**Cobra** · #1 January 22nd, 2021, 04:19 PM

Illicit was tired.

He was tired of lying, tired of never finding happiness, tired of pretending. He wanted to be his old self again - but he was still trying to find it. Who was he? Without Ash, he was nothing. Nothing.. but he had been something then. Illicit could remember exactly what he was like then - but then again, he didn't want to be like that again. Aren't you.. exhausted? But he was tired of hiding under his mask. But no one would love him if he didn't. Maybe he could be Illicit when he was around everyone else, and Smokepaw / True Illicit when he was with him.. or maybe not.

Illicit ran through the forest, searching with all of his senses for his guy. He's mine. No one else can have him. The tom stopped, lifted his nose to smell, and continued on his way, occasionally taking a break to look through the forest, or listen for sounds. And then -

There he is. He tentatively tiptoed towards the black tom, then faltered. Go to him. Illicit raced straight towards him, collapsed at his paws, and let the tears come while burying his nose in his boyfriend's fluffy chest. Ah, the sweet, fluffy chest.

"I'm such a fool," he sobbed to Blackhaze. "I never wanted this - I - I - I love you."

// @Exis

**Exis** · #2 January 22nd, 2021, 08:39 PM

Blackhaze has been planning out his next training exercise when something hit him on the chest. He looked down to find, illicit?!? Well this was new. He gave illicit a lick on the head and put a paw to hold them close to him. When he spoke he spoke softly and smiling. illicit had ju at confessed to loving him, so it was a big deal. He’d have to be carful. “You’re not a fool, love. Am I really so bad that you don’t want to love me?” He asked with a soft chuckle and a smile before giving another lick to illicit’s head.

@Cobra

**Cobra** · #3 January 22nd, 2021, 10:52 PM

Illicit melted into his lover, eyes closed and bliss running through his veins. All he wanted was to be with Haze. Just spend his life with him, do everything with him. He would never get tired of him. And the lick! It flattened a tuft of his fur sticking up. And then the black paw that pulled him closer to the soft chest - he never wanted to be let go. Never. I'll love you forever. "I never said that," he muttered. "I.. I don't know. All I can say is that I love you. I love you so much. I never ever want to leave your side, and I want to always be with you. Please, never leave him." The tears streamed down his face, then wet his muzzle and dropped to his paws, several falling on Haze's chest fur. "I used to be Smokepaw of ShadowClan, and.. "

// @Exis

**Exis** · #4 January 23rd, 2021, 10:06 AM

Blackhaze sigh, they’d even been in the same clan. How has he not noticed it before? illicit was beautiful, or maybe he himself had still been in the closet. Maybe. “And before I was in Shadowclan I was a loner named Danely.” he mewed softly. But it was bugging him, what more did illicit have to say? What could be tearing him up so terribly? Was it him? No, this was not the time to be narrisistic.

@Cobra

**Cobra** · #5 January 24th, 2021, 11:37 AM

Illicit closed his eyes when he heard the sigh. "I do not deserve you. You need something better than me." He was so stupid - so dumb to think somecat actually wanted him. He was an outcast, set to forever look but never find.. "My parents.. they were good, loyal, trusted warriors. Pure ShadowClan. Obedient. Leader's pets. They didn't even love each other, they just thought they would have the best offspring. It was horrible. So.. when me and my brother were born.. He was named Ashkit, I Smokekit. He's still there." Illicit was quiet for a moment, then he spoke again. "I miss him." He buried his muzzle in Haze again, smelling the sweet scent of his pelt.. oddly, his boyfriend didn't seem to be effected by the rank of the Dark Forest. "I love you," he murmured again. He just couldn't stop saying it.

// @Exis

**Exis** · #6 January 24th, 2021, 12:28 PM

Blackhaze froze, Ashley...? Like, Ashpaw? He knew an Ashpaw he just wasn’t sure it was the same cat. “I knew an Ashpaw. We were best friends, I haven’t seen him in a while.” he mewed, was it possible he’d known illicit’s brother his whole life?

Not... not good enough...? It had taken him some time but, seriously. He backed away so he could look at illicit’s whole self. “Now you listen here illicit affairs, you are more than good enough for me. You are the most perfect cat for me. There will never be another do you understand? One day I will live again and even then I will find you, there is no one more special than you.” He mewed while putting a paw on his cheek. Aww how could he ever think he wasn’t good enough?

@Cobra

**Cobra** · #7 January 24th, 2021, 12:32 PM

Did he say something wrong? WAIT. Did Haze know Ashtrail? Maybe.. yes? That would be weird. Super weird and a bit awkward. "He's.. Ashtrail now," Illicit muttered. "Was he a silvery tom - same base color as me - with gold-and-grey patches?" Maybe Haze had known Ash. If he did.. well, it would just be awkward. Especially if they were super close.

Apparently Haze was going to try to contradict him. Well, Illicit wasn't going to give up without a fight. He lifted up his muzzle forlornly as Haze backed away, and sloped back down to listen to him. "I.. " The tears came - once again - littering the ground, covering his fur. Oof. He.. "You actually care? No one's actually cared before. They've all dismissed me, walked all over me.. " He let a hesitant laugh. "Actually, I told them I didn't want them, so.. "
// @Exis

**Exis** · #8 January 25th, 2021, 08:26 AM

Blackhaze shook his head, “No, different ashes I guess.” He smiled and chuckled. Ashpaw would have hated the name Ashtrail.

Blackhaze smiled and took a half step forward and butted his head against illicit’s shoulder before sitting back up, “Of course I care, why wouldn’t I? You, love, are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You made it ok to be dead, because I met you. You, my love, are why I fight so hard to be redeemedable. So I can come back to you.” he smiled at illicit then, so he knew. He was going to come back to be with him and nothing could stop him, nothing would ever stop him.
@Cobra

**Cobra** · #9 January 25th, 2021, 09:11 AM

Illicit nodded, a half-sighed exhaling out of him. His breath warmed the cold, lonely place they were in. Why was Haze laughing? Was it because he was stupid?

He ignored the shoulder butt and moved to rest his head on Haze's. "I don't know what to say to that." He faltered. Illicit had never acted.. how he really was around other cats. "That was so beautiful, I don't think I can match your poetic-ness. But.. " He raised his head high and gazed down shrewdly at the forest floor. "Darling, life as we know it is a mystery. But, I think we can say you're.. smart enough for the both of us. We can all gaze at my brilliance - and I am quite intelligent! But you're very clever.

"Ta-da! Wasn't it amazing?"

// @Exis

**Exis** · #10 January 25th, 2021, 01:44 PM

Blackhaze laughed at illicit and licked him on the cheek, “Ot was the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever heard.” he mewed with a large smile. Great Starclan he was beautiful, how had Haze gotten so lucky to have such an amazing cat in his life.
@Cobra