No One's Here To Sleep. [P]

[Captain]

PIKESTAR

Late one night, as the dark-furred RiverClan tomcat was settling into his moss nest, a flood of conflicting and downright irritating emotions struck him, leaving the Lord of the Waters to begin a night’s slumber with an unexplained fiery violence within his heart. Perhaps it was just his usual paranoia, or his rampant jealousy, or his unbridled selfishness. He never knew what it was. Maybe it was everything hitting him all at once. All they knew was that Pikestar was tired of being seen as a fool, as a loser, as some kind of weakling that wasn't worth an ounce of respect. Hadn't he worked hard to get here? Hadn't he done enough? Or did they all expect him to be exactly like Kestrelstar was, or Skystar, or Twilightstar, or even Dawnstar? Because nobody was ever happy when he acted himself. Oh, no no no, stars forbid that. Pikestar wanted to become stronger, he wanted to be better, he wanted to be respected! You'd think that kinda thing came with the rank, right? Wrong! And they were sick of it. Nearly seven moons now he had been RiverClan's leader, but he still felt like utterly nothing. What more needed to be done?

Great moon above, what was he doing? Pikestar rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling of his den in silent contemplation. Maybe this was why he wasn't respected. This was why he slept alone in an empty den each night. This was why cats saw him as a joke. Because he let every little thing get to him, and not for a single second did he think about the bigger picture. Damn it. Why couldn't Pikestar just get over himself? He always played the victim, always cowered at the sight of confrontation, always avoided a fight whenever he could. What kind of leader did that? No wonder leaders like Twilightstar and Dawnstar were so highly respected, they didn't allow dumb crap like this affect them.

So many cats adored them, looked up to them, respected them. Nobody did that for him. Nobody ever saw Pikestar as a legend. The Lord of the Waters groaned, putting his paws over his face. Stop it! Just... stop it. This kind of thinking was getting him nowhere, but they didn't know what to do to stop it. He didn't want to be this way. He didn't want to be such a... brat. His mother's words rang in their head, recalling all the times she'd call him a selfish little brat. Crap, maybe she was right. Maybe that's all he was. Then how'd he get this far? How did they become this? Perhaps he wasn't the cat that Kestrelstar and Skystar had thought he was. Thinking about that made Pikestar want to curl into a ball and cry, but all the oriental tomcat did was flip onto his side and squeeze his single eye shut. Sleeping would make it better. That always made it better. A good night's sleep was always like a hard reset on his brain, and he always felt so much better when he woke up... most of the time.

✶✶✶

As soon as sleep would finally yank him away from the present world, the tall River Lord awoke immediately back up with a start, jerking up into a sitting position. It wasn't the first time something like that had happened to him. Those random moments were he felt like he was falling through the air? Yeah, whatever that was. But no, this was different. This wasn't his den, nor was he in his nest anymore. And they had visited StarClan before. This wasn't that either. The world was dark, and hot, and smelled like rotten prey. Another nightmare, perhaps? Maybe, but in the moment, everything seemed still, and silent. Pikestar, for some strange reason, felt relaxed. All the heat felt like a comforting hug, and the darkness made him feel unseen, unjudged, and hidden away from the awfulness in the real world. They wouldn't mind staying here awhile...

[ @sol. ]

[sol.]

CEDARDAPPLE

What a poor, poor, soul. Wallowing in self-pity. Insignificant, next to his predecessors, small, like a little bunny next to the mighty hawk. It was rather theatrical. The one she was watching was the most righteous one she had seen, a soul Starclan would draw into their circle without hesitation. Amazingly awe-inspiring or not, he was good.

Too good, to be happy with.

Of course there was always some sob story to go behind his strong facade, some kind of point of no return. Blah. The dapple tortoiseshell had no use for them. Who cared about where you came from? One move, right or wrong, built your standing, origins be damned. This was why she hated the clan cats, despite being one in her lifetime. Cedardapple was not one for measuring background and prestige, when merit would work just fine. This was not the society she wanted, the society she wanted to create.

The kind of society that sent her to her death.

The Lord of the Waters had finally drifted off to sleep, his mind dropping into the lower dark word she called her domain. From her vantage point, he could see the newcomer register his arrival, the heat and smell creeping up onto him. He didn't seem to mind. She supposed, this place was better compared to the stares of his clan, with only his trauma to keep him company.

Perhaps she ought to go down, like the good guide she was supposed to be. She leaped from the tree limb she was lounging in, dark smoke wrapped around her in a mock display of art, a wisp wreathed around her head like a crown. A crown of smoke, blood, and despair. Ooo, she felt powerful.

Her lamplight yellow eyes gave way to a false smile as she eyed the cat in front of her. "So..." her low, lovely voice rolled out. "What have I done to deserve this honor?"


[ @canineantics ]

[Captain]

PIKESTAR

The heat and the darkness of this hidden world surrounded him, blanketing the oriental tomcat from the harsh cruelty of the real world. If he didn’t have his daughters, his friends, his clan to take care of, then he would’ve probably wished to stay here forever. To most cats, this would probably seem like a terrifying place, a living nightmare that one would scream until they’d become free from. Pikestar, however, found peace here and that was probably more concerning than they were truly aware of during this time. He felt safe, hidden away from judgmental stares and protected from the ice-cold winds that swept through his clan’s territory. Pikestar could only imagine what RiverClan would think of him.

Then, sounds from the trees above made the Lord of the Waters open his eye. He would soon be greeted by a figure in the darkness, dawning two bright yellow eyes that peered by at him with intent. A cat of authority, no doubt, but Pikestar did not move one inch from where he was sitting. He simply just stared back at her, as she spoke to the large RiverClan leader in a silky smooth tone. "What have I done to deserve this honor?" That was the question she asked, but the answer Pikestar did not know. "That depends..." He replied boldly, his gaze narrowing as he breathed a low exhale, "...What can you offer me?" Obviously, he was here for a reason, and that much he was aware of. Whether it was for malicious reasons or to genuinely help him with whatever was going on in his head, he didn't care much either way. Pikestar just wanted to know what he could be given here. Was it just for his own suffering, for his own gain? The River Lord wanted to know as soon as possible.

[ @sol. ]

[sol.]

CEDARDAPPLE

His composure did not slip. His soul was commanding and calm and good.

Too good. The ones that came here for guidance instead of coming here to die were almost always too good. It saddened her a little, how many living ones she's seen, but her smooth and regal mask did not budge an inch. It never would, ever again.

What she could offer him. What guidance she could give her. The way he said it was almost asking her for confirmation, instead of actually asking her to provide him answer. The sob story knew why he was here. Her maw cracked into an easy smile, though the false gleam was still in her eyes. "It seems you already know why you are here, little leader." He was by no means smaller than her; they were roughly the same size. But Cedardapple, in her eternal cage of death, was nothing if not the wiser. "If you know that much, you should know what it is you want from me. Go on." her voice took a challenging edge. "The first part of solving a problem is understanding a problem," she added. "Tell me what it is you want, and I will see what I can offer to you."

Okay, so maybe the leader would think she was being difficult. Truly, she was, but a difficult cat would often make others show true color, and understand what it was they couldn't before. Cedardapple hoped that in her doing so, it would be the latter, but if it was the former, that wouldn't be so bad. It was easier for her to deal with a cat that was infuriatingly rude and annoying than a cat that was infuriatingly polite all the time.


[ @canineantics ]

[Captain]

PIKESTAR

The tall dark-furred oriental stared at her with his fixed gaze, partial eye-contact never breaking for a single second. Her supposedly-friendly smile did not fool him, no, not for a single second, but perhaps it wasn’t meant to be friendly in the first place. Pikestar had stared evil in the face before and knew this cat wasn’t just some kind soul wanting to help them out of the goodness of her heart. However, if this was the only way someone like them could get help, then so be it. The stars had already forsaken him enough, so perhaps this was the far better alternative.

Her words made his right ear twitch, but nothing more. Did the tomcat truly already know why they—Pikestar of RiverClan—were here in the first place? Maybe so. All his silent pleas for salvation, for further training, for shaping, for molding that could bring him to become the leader that could be feared and treated with utmost admiration. He was tired of being the softened, cowardly leader that everyone in the living world viewed him as. The way cats looked at him with sympathy and pity angered the Lord of the Waters more than he could describe. These thoughts alone caused his brows to furrow as Pikestar looked away from the mysterious stranger, ponding for a few moments what they did truly want from her, from someone, from anyone right now. He had climbed to the top of his chain and yet he still felt inferior in the eyes of his clanmates. He should be treated like a king, like a god, for everything that he'd done. No matter how much he did, it was never enough.

His gaze darkened ever so slightly as he lifted his head and rested his attention back onto the molly stood before him. Pikestar lifted his right paw into the air. "I want to be respected." The mighty River Lord commanded, his tone lower as he unsheathed his sharp claws and flexed them fiercely. Pikestar didn't know what else to say other than that. He wanted to be feared, he wanted cats to bow to him, he wanted his clan to be proud to have him as their leader. He no longer wanted to be affected by the petty taunts and disrespect of others around him. He wanted power, he wanted control, he wanted to be viewed in high regard by every feline around him. Pikestar would do anything it took to gain that.

[ @sol. ]

[sol.]

CEDARDAPPLE

She watched the leader with an interested look, wondering which path he would take. Would he be a gentle lamb, or reveal his tiger teeth? The Riverclan Lord was still deep in thought, so Cedardapple took a seat in front of him, straightening her back and curling her tail around her. She heard some whispers in the shadows, like she always did, and flicked her tail ever so slightly. Begone, you fools, she warned. I have this one.

Pikestar then answered her question, flexing his right paw out at her, which she glanced at, amused. Respect? Oh, he was respected enough. Yes, many of his clan members respected him.

"Well, you are not the first cat in two hundred moons to ask for such a thing. You say you wish for respect. You have that. Quite a bit of it." She tilts her head at him. "Many of your clan already respects you deeply, Pikestar. Or would you rather to have your whole force adore you instead just turning away from those who don't?

"Or," she paused again, tilting her head at the extended claw. "Is it adoration from those you love, and fearsome awe from those that belittle you that you crave?"

"If it is either of the two, tell me. Or perhaps," she sighed. "My senes have dulled as I toil away here, condemned to become a senile old lady even in death as under appreciated leaders with bruised egos run for guidance, or battle hungry Shadowclanners try to beat me to the floor in order to better themselves." She glanced at him, smirking. "Perhaps you know of Ivysnake? Prickly apprentice and adoring medicine cat to that tyrant you find your enemy."

[ @canineantics ]

[Captain]

PIKESTAR

It took everything within the large dark-furred tomcat not to scoff at the mysterious molly’s wording. She claimed that they were already very respected, and quite a bit too, but it certainly did not feel that way. Pikestar saw how some cats looked at him, with disgust and shame that he of all cats was their clan leader. Those faces were firmly stuck in his brain and it soured his outlook for many moons. The thing about Pikestar was that they could be loved by dozens of clanmates, but if a couple openly disliked him, it bothered him greatly. It was a personality trait that he had gotten from his father, Walter, someone he detested with every bone in his body. The mighty Lord of the River needed everyone to like him, to love him, to respect him. The sheer possibility that he was disliked kept him awake every night, and Pikestar hated that about himself.

The core of who he was did not want to be that kind of cat though. He wanted to be a friendly, understanding individual that helped others and made a difference. At least, that is what Pikestar tried to tell himself. But in reality, he didn’t know who he truly was. He did not know who he wanted to be. The real honesty of it all is that he just wanted to be happy, to wake up and not hate his life. He felt sick and he didn't even truly know why. Pikestar found himself at a loss for words as she gave him options, but unable to answer to which one they wanted. The world was moving on without him, refusing to wait up for him. That was what his mother had always told him. And yet, all he could bare to do was stay there in silence, sitting still and feeling miserable. Pikestar wanted to cry, but they refused to. Not here, not now, not ever. They'll never break.

"Yes," He would answer her mention of Ivysnake, one of ShadowClan's medicine cats, as he stared solemnly at the ground, "I do know who she is, and what kind of cat she is, but I do not know much beyond the obvious." What's your point? The large oriental tomcat wanted to ask, but he held his tongue, still staring at the ground with this far-off, misty look in his eye. He wished he could be hugged right now, but this was not the kind of place for the affection he so desperately desired and they knew that well enough. Pikestar inhaled and then exhaled lowly.

[ @sol. ]

[sol.]

CEDARDAPPLE

The thing about cats was that when faced with cats they did not know, or someone that ticked them, their emotions shine quick and clear on their faces. It wasn't a skill of any sort to identify irritation, boredom, or hatred, and nor was it a skill to identify sick pleasure or greed. Rather, it was more of a skill to piece these raw emotions together, to pin them in the correct places in order to able to glimpse the full picture.

Twisted as it may sound, each life was simply a story to Cedardapple. A sweet beginning, each decision made with consideration and daring. Seeing as her own story had come to an end, she spent her time viewing the stories of the cats that caught her interest. Clearly, she had been wrong not to pay attention to the story of the Riverclan lord.

The spawn of a kittypet loner, he hadn't received much parental affirmation in his early moons. Mayhaps that was the problem. If his parents had taken the time to care of their damned child, he wouldn't have had this issue. Him and her both. Then again, without their lovely families beating them into the dirt, they wouldn't had been the way they were now.

Parents, she wanted to sigh. So complicated and unloving. Would it kill them to just love their children? Plenty of the cats she knew when she was alive had parents that were perfectly fine.

The Riverclan leader was disgruntled as he answered her question. He didn't really have to, but she understood his implication well enough.

"My point is, little leader," she began, feeling slightly sorry for him," mayhaps it would do you some good to learn from that prickly thing. Cold and ruthless though she may be, at least she doesn't give a rat's ass about what others think of her. Getting too caught up in your image in other's eyes will only dig you a deeper hole." She paused for a minute.

"Though, I don't blame you, child. With those pieces of trash for parents, you're lucky you didn't inherit any more of them. Those who have eyes can see you don't want to be like them. You must eat your worries and the parts you want to get rid of, and be done with them. Cast them out. There is no room of it inside of you, not if you want to live with yourself."


[ @canineantics ]

[Captain]

PIKESTAR

“I’m unsure of how long you’ve been keeping an eye on me and my life, but I had a mate once. Someone whom I loved very dearly. They were once a ShadowClan cat and we fell in love while I was still just a RiverClan warrior.” The longhaired oriental remarked quietly, “More and more these days, I can see a better life for myself that I could’ve had if I had just run away with him, or at least joined ShadowClan instead.” He didn’t know why he was saying these things, nor why this stranger would even care, but he just felt the words tumbling out freely. “I regret joining the clans, and I wish I had never said yes to becoming Kestrelstar’s shield, nor Skystar’s deputy. I am not fit to be a leader, and I hate living like this.” He spoke with truth, feeling the tightness of dread appear within his chest yet again. “I wish I could be like Ivysnake, or even like Dawnstar, who strikes cats for even looking at them wrong.” Both sadness and anger tugged at the RiverClan leader and he felt conflicted with how he should continue this life. “I’m already in a deep hole and I alone put myself there. I don’t think I can get out, and it terrifies me.” Pikestar wished he could’ve been given a different path than this one. Would they have been happier in another clan, or simply as a loner that traveled the world beyond the clans? “I know it is a waste of time talking about stuff like this. It’s better to prepare for the future rather than to reminisce about the past, or whatever. Blah, blah…”

“I’d take my parents over this.” He hissed with venom in his tone, even though he probably didn’t mean it, “At least they pretended to love me.” The lanky RiverClan leader gave a sigh, looking down at his paws with this scowling look on his face. “I never wanted to be like one of my successors. I wanted to be better. I had the motivation and determination to do so too. As a warrior, it looked like so… so exciting to be a clan leader. I thought I would finally make a damn difference around here, and become someone that could be seen as great, or least loveable.” Great moon above, why was Pikestar even saying all this? This cat didn’t care about his so-called sob story, or his complaining, or anything like that. Shaking his head, the dark-furred tom lifted his head to peer at the ghostly feline before him. “Then teach me. Show me how to actually stand up for myself.” Pikestar remarked, standing up, “I refuse to just be branded a coward and run away from my clan when things get tough. I want to do better, I need to know what I can do to achieve that.” He didn't know where to begin.

"Cats expect me to be a perfect leader, but I hardly was able to even get used to being a deputy before I was shoved into my position." Pikestar spat with a narrowed gaze, "Maybe I'm doomed to be just like Kestrelstar or someone even worse. If you know so much, then tell me who I should be. Because I'm tired of trying to be myself. Clearly that isn't getting me anywhere." He didn't want to see like he was throwing a tantrum, or anything of that sort. Pikestar was just frustrated, and needed some kind of direction. Would running away be the better option? Should he just disappear? Would that make them all happier? "Do whatever you can to help me. I'll do anything you want."

[ @sol. ]

[sol.]

CEDARDAPPLE

He talked about his mate, someone he loved dearly. Loved. Something happened to them. A death, mayhaps. Hearing this sent a rare twinge through the dead Molly's black heart. She had a love once.

She flicked her ear, swatting at some unknown fly. Running away to join his mate's clan. An idealist. Traveling on wings of love that never should have occurred in the first place. But then, isn't that a part of the magic? Being covered and forbidden?

From what she's heard, most problems are caused by the ego. A desire to be stronger, better, different, outstanding. Frankly, it was quite boring to have to listen to, but listen she must because the forest had sent this one to her. She wouldn't turn away someone looking for guidance, prickly and unlovable though she may be.

But the parent line got to her. I'd take my parents over this. She pulled her face into an icy frown. "Don't say things you don't mean, child," she murmured, shaking her head. "The ancestors have a cruel way of granting them."

Yes, that seems to be the great moral dilemma of this whole situation. The place of highest power is desirable until actually sat on. A throne of bones and blood. That was the odd reality of it all. Seeing as the leader was done, she stood, her mind made up.

"Do be sure," she whispered, "you mean anything. I can get extremely irksome, child." Of course, she knew Pikestar wouldn't retract his words. But if he wanted to, he could see it as an ultimatum.

"Make sure you know who your enemy is," she ordered. "There is a difference between fighting clanmates and fighting the disobedience and resent. There is no point in fighting the wrong enemy."

"Secondly, make sure you know who your offenders are. In order to lead, you must understand your clanmates. The cats that do not like you, do they have a prejudice? Have you done anything to offend them? Or are they just nasty?"

[ @canineantics ]