Hello there! Instead of making individual threads like I had been doing up to this point, I think I'll just throw them all in here! It's a bit more convenient for me that way, and I feel like it's significantly easier to organize. I plan on doing a decent amount of these to fill in the un-rped lore for some of my beloved characters! It'll not only help me flesh them out a bit more, but also add to their backstories which I believe will be beneficial to both me and anyone who happens to interact with them in the future.
Anyways at the time of writing this (Aug 2, 2023) I currently have two VAs planned! One has to do with Darkfall going missing (This may be done in multiple parts) and the second one will be about Firepaw temporarily leaving after Pignut's death!
I hope those who read these will enjoy them as much as I (probably) enjoyed writing them! The (first) Darkfall one, in particular, I feel like is pretty nice. I had a lot of fun writing it.
Oh! If you happen to encounter a formatting error or a spot that doesn't make sense, please shoot me a VM! I'd actually really appreciate it!
Anyways here's an index for when I actually get around to posting them
Chapter 1: Darkfall, the Case of the Missing Apprentice and a Potential New Lover?
This takes place at some point after Moonpaw went missing, up until just before the battle for Sunkissed Creek
Moonpaw had disappeared.
To be honest, Darkfall had noticed she was missing the day before but hoped that she’d eventually show back up. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. He had been shocked to not see Moonpaw in the apprentice’s den when he stopped by to take her out for a hunt.
He remembered his first thoughts were ’Oh gosh, not her too’. Every cat he had been somewhat close to (with one exception, mentioned later) had either disappeared or died. His mother? Dead. His father? Probably dead, his mother never spoke of him to him or his sister. His sister, Fallenpaw? Dead. His mentor, Cinderblaze? Super dead. His other sister, Strawberrykit? Presumed dead/missing. Vulturepaw? Missing. Shadowfur? He didn’t even know. Mirehound? Very much dead. Then one of his only friends from his apprenticeship, Newtpaw had long since been missing. Needless to say, Moonpaw going AWOL struck him deeply. He had to find her.
(his other brothers were not yet dead or missing in the timeline)
Not bothering to inform anyone, the black tabby rushed out of camp and followed her still-faint scent. Though he prided himself on being a relatively good tracker/hunter, he lost the trail a couple of times. As such, he took the opportunity to check the borders shared with the other clans but was unable to find a trace there. Part of him was relieved that she hadn’t ended up in another clan’s territory. He didn't know what he’d do if she had switched sides or gotten killed by another clan.
Unfortunately, this took up most of the day, so the tom decided to sleep out in the territory. It wouldn’t be the first time he camped out here. Finding a hollow in an old tree, he curled up in it in an effort to go to sleep. Wow, this brought him back. Moons ago he had spent some time out in a hollow very much like this one with Larkfire. When they were still talking at least. The thought brought a saddened smile to his face when he remembered that he hadn’t held a conversation with her in some time.
The next morning, he got up bright and early and looked all over the territory again until he picked up a trace of his apprentice’s scent. ’Oh StarClan, please let Moonpaw be alright,’ he prayed to the stars above, hoping that by some miracle he wouldn’t find his beloved apprentice dead at the end fo the trail.
Unfortunately for him, Darkfall found nothing at the end of the trail. Moonpaw’s scent appeared to just vanish after a certain point and after thoroughly searching the area, he couldn’t determine what had happened to her. Well… that sucked. The large tom decided to retrace his steps back to where he had lost track of the scent and as a result, he made his way towards the outskirts.
Sometime after arriving in the outskirts, Darkfall encountered a young, warrior-aged grey and white she-cat with amber eyes. The encounter itself was like something straight out of a movie. He had been minding his own business, carefully walking along unfamiliar ground when all of a sudden a weight fell upon him, seemingly from the sky screeching bloody murder. Caught off guard, the tom instantly went into attack mode and after a short skirmish found himself looking below him into a pair of amber eyes attached to a grey and white she-cat hissing angrily at him.
’Larkfire?’ his first thought instantly went to the cat who had formerly been his best friend bfore himself from her. What was she doing out here? Upon further inspection, he determined that it wasn’t the cat that was so familiar. Her eyes were lighter and the patches of white were in all the wrong spots. Additionally, the areas with grey were a tabby pattern, and she was far too scrawny to be Larkfire. While inspecting the cat, he realized that she had already gone silent and when he looked back at her face she was staring at him quizzically.
”Like what you see?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. Flustered, Darkfall quickly got off of her with an embarrassed apology. ”Who are you, and where’d you come from?” he asked her after getting himself together. Whoever this was was a capable enough fighter to land a couple of nasty scratches on him and catch him off guard.
“Who am I? Where did I come from? Who are YOU!?” The she-cat asked, raising her voice as she got to her paws “This is my territory and you’re asking me who I am?” Oops. Darkfall hadn’t noticed any strong scent markings in the area so he assumed the land was unoccupied, though he was just passing through without plans on staying for any extended period of time.
The she-cat walked right up in his face, causing the black tabby to tense in anticipation of another fight, but she just poked him in the chest with her tail. Backing up slightly (she closed the distance once more), Darkfall introduced himself. “I’m Darkfall of ShadowClan. May I inquire as to what your name is as well?” He asked.
The she-cat’s eyes widened for a moment but it was so quick that he thought he may have imagined it. “So you’re a clan cat, huh? Well, Darkfall, I go by Heron,” she said in introduction, finally giving the tom some space. Heron, huh? The name suited her. The grey and white colors in her pelt were reminiscent of those of a heron, and despite her shorter stature, she was leggy. Heron backed away and began cleaning some of the fresh scratches that now covered her pelt as if he wasn’t even there.
“What brings you so far from clan territory?” She asked, fixing her amber gaze on Darkfall. ”I’m out here looking for my apprentice-” He began. Upon noticing the look of confusion across her face he added ”She was a younger cat that I was teaching the ways of clan life. Hunting and how to fight and all that.” in explanation. ”Ah I gotcha. So like how a mother teaches a kitten?” Heron asked to which she got a nod in reply.
Heron stared into Darkfall’s eyes for a moment and the tom uncomfortably shifted his weight and looked away. This caused the she-cat to smile mischievously before walking back up to the tom, casually brushing against him. This caused the poor warrior to freeze. ”Well Darkfall…” She said in a sultry tone ”I haven’t seen any such cats around here… but I can help you look for her.”
Understandably, Darkfall was skeptical of this. Why would soe random stranger who had attacked him out of nowhere volunteer to help him out? She must’ve seen the look on his face because Heron spoke next. ”You’re on my territory and I want to make sure you don’t take too much prey. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I knew there was a young cat who needed help and I did nothing about it,” she explained. This made sense. Darkfall guessed if he was in a similar position that he would do the same thing.
”Alright, let’s get a move on if we’re to find your apprentice, err-””Moonpaw,” Darkfall interjected. ”Ah yes, your apprentice Moonpaw! Let’s go find her!” The loner said before heading off in the direction Darkfall had been traveling in earlier.
[Later on that evening]
The day had been largely uneventful. The odd pair didn’t come across any other cats, and after mercilessly teasing him, Heron hunted down a rabbit for the two to share. Darkfall was of course extremely cautious of the she-cat. If his training had taught him anything, it was to trust no one and be prepared for an attack at any time. He had been attacked by Cougarivy in the middle of his hunting training because he had to “be aware of his surroundings at all times” or some half-baked dribble like that. To this day he was still upset about it despite knowing the reasoning behind it.
”I think we should stop here for today,” Heron said after some time of silence. During the time they had been walking together, she seemed to always try and find a reason to brush against him. ”Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to” or ”It’s easier to eat from this position” were just a couple of the examples of her excuses when she received a side eye or low growl in response. When Darkfall asked why, the loner mentioned something about it getting late at night and that they needed to rest if they wanted to continue the search tomorrow so he begrudgingly agreed.
They set up shop in a small thicket after laying about some leaves for bedding. They chatted a bit about their plans for the next day, but it wasn’t long before Heron fell asleep. Darkfall was flabbergasted. How could she just fall asleep like this next to a stranger she hadn’t met before today? What if he was crazy and killed her in her sleep?! Wait… now that he thought about it, what if she was pretending and killed him in his sleep? The thought unsettled the tom and he kept an eye on her as he finally got to cleaning his wounds. It was only when he heard the light snoring emanating from the other cat that he was able to relax a little. He watched her silently and scoffed at himself. How could he mix her up with Larkfire? Now that he actually got a good look at her, they looked nothing alike! Sure they had similar enough colors and their eyes were kind of similar, but that’s where the resemblance stopped. This cat was way too friendly. Had Larkfire been in her shoes, he would’ve died the moment he got distracted in their first altercation. ’Gosh I’m so stupid’ He could feel Cinderblaze rolling in his grave and Cougarivy shaking her head in disappointment. That was a rookie mistake and he had acted like he hadn’t been in actual combat before, hadn’t almost died on more than one occasion in both his training and in battle.
The following morning, Darkfall awoke to something poking him. That was odd… he could’ve sworn that he had been at camp… Eyes snapping open, Darkfall lounged forward and pinned down the cause of the disturbance with snarl.
”Woah woah woah tough guy, don’t get your tail in a knot,” Heron called from underneath him. She met his gaze calmly with a- wait was that a smile on her face? What the heck was that about? ”Ah, my bad,” He said, getting off of her quickly. Something about the look she gave him and the glint in his eyes made him uncomfortable. It was if she was peering into him, trying to unravel all of his secrets and he didn’t like that.
After being stared at in awkward silence he got up and began to leave ”Let’s go,” he said, ready to leave. ”Okay Darky~” Heron chirped. Now that was weird. What was all of this even about? Why was she acting so… strange…? And what the heck was up with Darky? No one had called him that since Larkfire - then Larkpaw had teasingly called him it out of retaliation for being called Larky. Whatever, he pushed the thought out of his mind.
Later on that day, they were trekking through the outskirts as they had done the previous day when Heron dropped a bomb on him. The lithe she-cat had snuck up next to him all innocent-like before casually asking ”Who’s Larkfire?” Darkfall legit tripped and fell onto his face which earned a hearty laugh from his companion. ”Huh?” he sputtered, quickly getting to his paws. After a while of laughing at him (much to his chagrin), Heron finally spoke.
“You were calling for them in your sleep. Something like ‘Larkfire don’t go too’” She explained. Darkfall felt his face heat up when she mentioned this. Wow, this was embarrassing. Not only did he talk in his sleep, but it was about Larkfire of all cats.
[The dream will more than likely be written in detail in another VA]
“Oh she’s um…” Wait. What was she to him? A friend? An acquaintance? An old love interest? He wasn’t quite so sure. “She’s err… a friend…?” He said, not really sure if that’s where things stood between them at the moment. He had started to come to terms with the fact that the weird feeling he felt whenever he saw her was possibly feelings of love but he had distanced himself instead of pursuing a relationship with her. He hoped it wasn’t too late, perhaps he’d have to try and talk to her when he got back to the camp.
”A friend eh?” Heron asked him curiously. She looked like she was in thought for a moment before she just shook her head and brushed past him ”Interesting, now come along tough guy, let’s get going.” As she walked past, she flicked her tail underneath his chin with a low purr and kept going.
[A few days later]
After that second day, the next couple of days went along in a similar manner. Heron’s constant flirting, Darkfall trying to act ignorant of it, and looking for Moonpaw. Against his better judgment, the two became closer to one another during this time. They hunted together, shared their meals with one another, and when it came time for bed they’d huddle together in the same nest under the guise of “safety” according to Heron.
It had been six days since the two had begun searching for Moonpaw and they were back where they initially met. They were unable to make any progress and Darkfall had unfortunately come to terms with the fact that Moonpaw was just gone. He had long since lost her scent before he even approached the territory, but following the general direction, the scent had disappeared and he ended up here.
He had to get back to camp. It had been far too long since he had taken care of his warrior duties and he was sure that his absence had long since been noticed. Hopefully, if he informed Dawnstar about what was going on, he’d be lucky and not lose an eye or something.
It was mid-afternoon and he decided it was now an optimal time to leave. Nighttime was too dangerous and in the morning he’d be groggy and not want to leave. After their lunch, he broke the news to the cat who’d been with him these last few days. ”What do you mean you’re leaving!? We haven’t found Moonpaw yet!” Heron basically shouted. Well… she was taking this great… ”I don’t think she can be found, it’s time for me to head back,” Darkfall said with an exasperated sigh.
Heron looked quite upset about this development and had a dissatisfied frown on her face. After a moment of thought, she pushed herself against the larger of the duo and nuzzled his neck with a low purr.”Well… can’t you stay out here with me? The last few days have been a lot of fun and I think that we make a good match,” She said.
What?
Darkfall’s brain went blank. Was she asking him what he thought she was? Right now? HUH? ”Listen Darkfall…” she drawled, batting her eyes at him suggestively ”You’re a reliable and strong tom, and you’ve got good enough manners and are a pretty good hunter… Why don’t you stay here and be my mate?” she suggested.
Darkfall went stiff. He wasn’t sure what to do. Yes, the she-cat had been a bit clingy after the first day, but he hadn’t expected this in the slightest. After what felt like an eternity of silence, he said “I’m sorry, I can’t” Heron frowned at this and asked”Why not?””I have someone waiting for me back home,” he said, inching away. ”Larkfire?” she asked. He nodded.
Heron didn’t seem satisfied with this answer at all and walked up until they were whisker’s apart looking at each other. ”Is she really waiting for you, or are you just hoping she is? I bet she’s not even your mate, is she?” She asked with a hint of anger smoldering in her gaze. ”I- Uhh- Well… No… I don’t know…” the dark tabby responded, not sure if his old friend would have even cared. A slight grin wormed it’s way onto the amber-eyed cat’s lips and she touched her nose to his, causing the warrior to flinch. ”So then stay with me Darkfall. I’ll make you happier than she can, I promise.”
Now Darkfall had to admit it, the she-cat was pretty. From her lithe, yet muscular frame, to her piercing amber eyes and grey and white pelt. The issue was, all of these things Larkfire also had and as far as he was concerned, she had them first. What sense did it make to settle for Heron when looking at her only reminded him of the yearning he felt for his clanmate?
”I’m sorry Heron. I’m sure the two of us could be happy out here, but I just can’t. I have family back at ShadowClan, some younger brothers that need me to look after them [he’s not yet aware that they’re missing/dead] so I really need to go back,” Darkfall explained, hoping that she’d understand.
With a sigh, Heron backed off and looked away sadly. ”Okay, leave then if you've made up your mind…” She said, shooing him with her tail. Darkfall began walking away, not wanting to have her try to change his mind. After he had been walking for some time, he heard his old companion calling his name. ”Darkfall wait!” Heron called, running towards him.
”Huh?” He asked as she practically ran right into him. Panting, Heron looked him right in his eyes ”Don’t forget about me, okay? Make sure every once in a while, you come to see me. Or at least if you’re in the area. Oh, and make sure you don’t hurt yourself and you eat enough alright?” She said, a sorrowful look in her eyes. Darkfall nodded ”Okay Heron,” he said with a low purr. This was nice. Many moons ago he had snapped at Larkfire for being what he felt was overbearing, but now that he had time to mature a bit, he didn’t think he’d mind it all that much.
His response seem to satisfy the she-cat because she nodded with a pained smile. Heron reached up to nuzzle her nose against his with a rumbling purr, giving his cheek a quick lick for good measure. ”Take care, Darky. I love you,” She whispered before running off, tail fluttering about behind her as she ran. She hadn't even waited for a response before she had ran away.
Dumbfounded, Darkfall watched her to the spot where she had run off for a while before he finally snapped out of his stupor. He had to focus. It was time to go back home and report what had happened. Turning, he made his way back to the camp.
It took Darkfall another 2 days to find his way back to camp and when he got there he caught wind of preparations for battle against ThunderClan. He really wanted to report to Dawnstar about his findings, or lack thereof but he guessed that could wait. He was going to fight in this battle even if it was the last thing he did, as he had yet to forgive the other clan for the lives they took at the border a few moons ago. And hopefully, this would help him forget about the events of the time he was gone…
Chapter 2: The Case of Heron and the Consequences of Her Actions
This occurs after Darkfall left Heron to go back to ShadowClan
Heron was tired. It had been a considerable amount of time since Darkfall had left her, but it wasn’t long after the clan cat left her that she discovered that she was pregnant. At first, she was overjoyed at the prospect, knowing that the father of her kits was a strong and upstanding tom but that joy quickly changed into dread.
She was scared. Plain and simple. Heron didn’t know how to be a mother, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do and the idea of bringing the product of her feelings for Darkfall into the world and not being able to provide for them scared her out of her mind.
Despite all of that, Heron was determined to have her children one way or another and she’d figure everything else out afterward. Initially, things were no different from normal - she was able to hunt without too much difficulty and she was able to do things as she always did. It didn’t take long, however, for the symptoms to begin showing up. The grey queen found herself growing more and more lethargic with each passing day. Sometimes everything was fine and she was just sleeping a little extra, and then other times she was vomiting and struggling to keep her food down.
Every single day brought a new and unfamiliar challenge and it eventually got to the point where she was struggling to feed herself and the new life budding within her enough food. When this happened she traveled back to her foster father’s vast territory.
It wasn’t a far distance, but it was a couple of days' walk away. The old tom had never liked the clans nor the twoleg place so when he finally escaped the latter, he had decided to put a good amount of distance between him and them but also be in an area that had abundant prey year-round. Additionally, Crow had lived there with his first mate many many seasons ago prior to her death.
When she did finally get to the territory, it wasn’t very long before she was the one who had been found first. She still recalled the look on Crow’s face when he saw her. She had been half-starved and her belly was incredibly swollen. He must’ve seen the desperate look on her face because he quickly ushered her to a small thicket and signaled for her to sit before leaving.
She didn’t have to wait long before Crow came back with two mice hanging from his jaws, laying them down at her feet. Heron quickly devoured both of them while the tom watched her eat in silence. One of his eyes was cloudy, had been like that the whole time she knew him. Something about getting into a fight with his mate’s father when he was around her age and losing his sight completely. The sight did return in one of the eyes eventually apparently, but by that time, he already lost his mate and was left with two sons who did not get along at all.
When she finished eating, Heron licked her lips and opened her mouth to thank the tom, but saw that he had his good eye trained on her coupled with a dissatisfied expression on his face. Oh no, she was in trouble, she could already tell. Her mind went back to the day she left him ”I’ll be fine! Stop being so grumpy! If anything happens, I’ll come back to you. It’s time for me to go explore the forest!” This was about a moon before she met Darkfall. The grey and white tabby knew she was little more than a young cat wanting to go out and adventure and experience new things for herself, but she was impatient and wanted to see the wonders of the forest that Crow told her in his stories. After arguing for a little bit, Crow finally let her leave as long as she promised not to go near the twoleg place or trust clan cats.
The reason he warned her against the twoleg place, was because he himself had been trapped in a twoleg den (his mate and her family were former kittypets) and he knew that they often did very strange things to cats. And then the reason he warned her against clan cats… well there were many reasons. The most important one was that his father was a former clan cat and had tried to kill him in his youth and the two were constantly fighting and he was eventually kicked out of the territory at a young age.
She could practically feel the disappointment rolling off of the tom in the surrounding air as he stared at her, and felt a sudden urge to shrink away from his amber gaze. He didn’t say anything, but the old tom’s silence was more than enough. She knew well enough that he wouldn’t ask any questions, but would instead wait for her to explain what happened.
”Surprise!” She meowed weakly with a pained smile. Unfortunately, to her dismay, Crow did not look amused in the slightest and his already sour expression only grew worse. ”Okay okay, I’ll tell you what happened just please don’t make that face at me,” Heron begged. If looks could kill, she felt she’d have been dead ten times over.
She knew why he was acting this way, and she couldn’t even really fault him for it. Crow was old. He was 93 moons old at this point and had experienced a lot more life than she had. He had lost his second mate to kitting and was forced to part with his youngest son and daughter after leaving them with his sister’s ex-mate and a queen that had recently lost kits of her own, in addition to his nieces due to extenuating circumstances. Additionally, his sister died during kitting, and later on, his oldest son’s second mate died during kitting, taking her unborn kits with her. He didn’t have a lot of good experiences with it and now here was the cat who he had come to see as a daughter of sorts at one end of his territory, pregnant without a mate in sight.
”Oh and promise you won’t get mad, okay? I’m really sorry, so just don’t get mad,” Heron was pleading with the most innocent face she could muster. She really did not want to be yelled at at the moment. ”I can’t promise tha-” Crow began to answer before he saw Heron’s face contort into a pained look. ”Alright alright, I won’t get mad,” he grumbled.
Letting out a sigh of relief, Heron began to explain. She started from how when she left she established a small territory of her own on the outskirts of the clan territories. She had done relatively well for herself for the first moon and a half but eventually came across a young tom who called himself Darkfall. Upon hearing his name, the frown returned back to Crow’s face as if he knew where the tom was from. Letting out a small whimper when she saw this, Heron continued with her tale. She described how she had gotten the jump on him (literally) and how when overpowered, her life was spared. She went into detail about how the two spent some time looking for his “apprentice”, whatever that was, and how she developed feelings for him. Lastly, she told the cat who she knew as her father about how a while after he left she had come to learn that she was pregnant. When she finished, she could see that Crow looked about ready to explode.
Well… to put it nicely, Crow was livid. He snarled about how irresponsible she was and how she should’ve known better and kicked this Darkfall out of her territory immediately, and how with the training he had given her, she should’ve been able to rip his throat out and have his blood staining the forest floor. In short, he broke his promise. You know, normal protective dad things.
After he calmed down enough to not be snarling at the young queen, he already knew that he messed up. Heron looked like she was about to break down. Her ears were pinned to her head, her eyes were wide and her tail was tucked between her legs. The poor cat was shaking and whimpering so badly, he was worried that she’d pee herself.
”Look, Heron…” He began but she shook her head and shut her eyes. ”You promised Dad! You promised you wouldn’t get mad!” she sobbed, turning her head.
This caused the older cat to flinch. That was the first time she had called him dad since he took her in almost 8 moons ago. In the time they’d known each other, the words “dad” did not once come out of her mouth. Yes, there were times when she’d almost slip up, but she usually corrected herself before the words even came out of her mouth.
He felt terrible. Honest to his ancestors, he felt like his heart was just ripped in two. Despite his age, the tom didn’t have a lot of experience raising young ones, daughters in particular. His first two sons were relatively independent and left at a young age, checking in every once in a while until they got old enough to truly fend for themselves, and his first daughter was stillborn. Then, he didn’t raise his second daughter or third son and when he did finally meet them, Cardinal (his daughter) had been pretty standoff-ish and closed off. She was much like him in that regard.
Heron was completely different in that regard. She was easily excitable and prone to getting herself into trouble, but he loved her all the same. Though not related by blood, she was still his daughter, and he had a duty to guide her and be accepting of her even if he didn’t agree with the choices she made. Thinking back on it, she reminded him a lot of his first mate who didn’t like to listen and was always getting into trouble. It was that trait of hers that led to her getting killed by a fox. That was probably why he was so hard on Heron now, he didn’t want her foolishness to lead her to a similar fate.
Taking a deep breath, the tom wrapped himself around the trembling young queen. ”I’m sorry Heron,” He said after a long moment of silence ”I told you I wouldn’t get mad and here I am snarling at you like you’re an intruder and not my daughter.” Upon hearing that, Heron too flinched. Though Crow had always seen her as such - he never once referred to her as his daughter, and upon hearing confirmation of what she’d always known in her heart, she buried her face into his fur and sobbed.
After she had calmed down, Heron cuffed Crow’s ear playfully. When he looked at her quizzically, she let out a cheery laugh. ”I’m going to stay with you for a while I think. It’s getting hard for me to fend for myself and even though you’re getting old, I know you’ll do a good job,” She purred.
She was right. Crow may be blind in one eye, and getting up in years, but that didn’t change the fact that he was a good fighter. The tom had taught her how to fight, and over the years had fought and killed many cats that had made enemies of him his father included. Additionally, he had fought with foxes and badgers alike and lived to tell the tale which was impressive enough. She knew that if it came down to it, Crow would die to defend her and her unborn kits. To her, there was no safer place in the entire forest than with her father.
”Stay as long as you need, I told you when you left that you’re always welcome back to my territory,” The tom mewed, giving the top of her head a soothing lick. Heron thanked him and the two slowly made their way to the hollow that Crow called his primary den. She would stay here until after she gave birth and remain there for a while.
There was one thing that she couldn’t tell her father, however.
The kit or kits she had - she would not be keeping. She would be giving them to their father to raise in the safety of his clan. In truth, Heron wasn’t ready to be a mother, and she would do what was best for the budding life inside her.
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Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
Chapter 3: Darkfall and the Case of His Greatest Mistake
Partially Inspired by the song “Scared of Love” by Megan Faria (though not gonna lie, this took so long that I forgot the original purpose and it ended up mostly being a summary of past events)
This takes place from the end of Disposable Teens to Present Day, however, some background information is given for those who’ve missed the lore.
[Mentioning @Rose just in case there’s something in here I may need to change. This is super long though, so read when/if you have time]
It was no secret that Darkfall and Larkfire were once really close friends. The two of them had spent much of their apprenticeship together, and now that they were both full members of the clan - one a warrior and the other an enforcer, it only made sense that they’d be able to enjoy one another’s company more.
Or so one would think.
Darkfall was a wreck emotionally. His moods constantly fluctuated, and he struggled to connect with others, but at least there was still Larkfire by his side as his best friend. The two initially met as apprentices shortly after Larkfire (then Larkpaw) joined the clan at one of the gatherings. It had been a full moon, as most gatherings were that evening, and Darkfall (Darkpaw at the time) was approached by a WindClan apprentice who had run ahead of the rest of her clan.
At that time, Darkpaw awkwardly tried to handle the situation without causing a potential scene, and Larkpaw came to help. The two warned the young she-cat, Ashpaw, that she shouldn’t leave without the safety of her clan and callously approach them. Not all of the members of ShadowClan were as understanding or patient as the two of them. That was also the time Darkpaw first talked to a leader of another clan, Twilightstar.
After explaining to Twilightstar the situation and having everything resolved, the two young apprentices didn’t pay much attention to the announcements but engaged in playful banter instead. Though not entirely serious at the moment, Darkpaw instantly took note of the beauty sitting alongside him. The two spent the rest of the evening flirting before it was time to go home.
For a while, things didn’t progress between the both of them from a romantic standpoint. They were still friends of sorts, but they didn’t interact often. It wasn’t long after that initial meeting that a series of unfortunate events occurred. Darkfall lost his mother while she gave birth to his newest siblings and secluded himself, avoiding other members of the clan. Unfortunately, the clan was facing a prey shortage, and as a result, he couldn’t remain holed up in the den for too long.
It’d only been a couple of days before disaster struck again. Darkpaw was searching for his sick sister, Fallenpaw, to get her out of the camp and hunt. He checked the apprentice’s den, and when he was unable to find her there, he went out into the clearing to look for her. Instead of finding Fallenpaw sitting in some corner or something, he found Larkpaw sitting next to what appeared to be a sleeping cat. Upon further inspection, this cat turned out to be Fallenpaw.
Well, that was weird. Darkpaw didn’t know why Fallenpaw was sleeping out in the middle of the clearing, so he nudged her in an effort to get her up. Her body was cold and stiff. He hadn’t wanted to believe it or more like, he couldn’t believe it. His beloved littermate who had been by his side since birth, was dead.
The poor tom begged and implored the black and white cat to get up, but she never did. Her already thin frame was even slimmer than usual, and her fur was matted. He hadn’t been there. Darkpaw hadn’t been there during his sister’s final moments. Shortly before the death of their mother, when Fallenpaw expressed her concerns about her health, Darkpaw had promised that they’d figure it out and things would be fine. Now here she was. Dead. Needless to say, he didn’t handle it too well and was berated by Dawnstar for it. Larkpaw, at the time, could do nothing but watch and nod when she was told by the leader to be the one to bury the deceased cat.
The following day, Larkpaw, Darkpaw, and Willowspark buried Fallnepaw in Moonlit Grove. Darkpaw, understandably, was having a difficult time. Yes, he still had his new brothers and sisters, but they couldn’t possibly compare to the bond that he and his twin sister had. He blamed himself for everything. If only he had seen the warning signs sooner. If only he had forced the stubborn apprentice to see the medicine cat, maybe things wouldn’t have ended up the way they did. Maybe she’d still be alive.
It was seeing him at his weakest that caused Larkpaw to take action. She offered him solace by saying the blame laid not with him and offered him her support just by being there. The grey and white cat even took the initiative to personally bury her deceased clanmate in an effort to spare her friend’s feelings.
It wasn’t long after that, that tragedy struck again. Darkpaw’s mentor and the clan’s deputy, Cinderblaze died. Darkpaw and the now-deceased tom weren’t particularly close or anything, but the young apprentice held a deep respect for the cat. After all, it was Cinderblaze who had shown him the territory and begun training him in the art of combat.
In the span of a little over a week, Darkpaw lost everything. His mother, his sister, and now his mentor were dead. He didn’t know his father, and as far as he was concerned: he didn’t have one. It was at this moment that what little rationality Darkpaw was keeping himself together with, jumped out of the window.
The young black tabby howled in rage in front of the entire clan, declaring war against the twolegs for the way they brutally murdered the cat he admired the most. Seeing Cinderblaze’s broken body sprawled in the clearing and how Dawnstar handled it - shattered something within him. Larkpaw at that time pitied the tom, but not wanting to get on Dawnstar’s bad side, did nothing.
Not too long after this, Darkpaw and Larkpaw would encounter one another again. This time, Ruepaw was being chaotic as usual around the clearing. The tom stepped into the path of an angry Vixensnarl who had been aiming a blow at Burningfrost and Darkpaw heroically tackled Ruepaw out of the way. Unfortunately, this action was misinterpreted by the other tom, and a fight ensued.
It was over quickly, Darkpaw receiving minor injuries other than a hard bite to the shoulder. Larkpaw, who had watched the whole thing unfold, told Ruepaw off for tearing down the apprentice’s den and ended up receiving some nasty words in response. Enter Dappledleaf. Dappledleaf joined the fray shortly after that while trying to get the onlooking kits in order. She started telling everyone where to go and was a bit too stern with Larkpaw for Darkpaw’s liking.
So of course, Darkpaw who was already in a poopy mood, boldly confronted the forever queen about it. This was his first interaction with Larkpaw’s mom. Larkpaw at this time had not only tried to stand up to Ruepaw for her friend’s sake but also attempted to warn him before it was too late. Anyways, things proceeded without too many issues afterward.
A few days after this, Darkpaw snuck out of camp. His shoulder wound from his fight was still sore, but he wanted to do some hunting in an attempt to distract himself from all of the negative feelings he had from the last couple of weeks. Larkpaw, noticing this, took the opportunity to follow him under the guise of making sure he didn’t break the rules. This was around the time that apprentices weren’t allowed to leave camp unaccompanied.
Understandably, Darkpaw wasn’t too enthused about this new development and initially tried to brush the younger cat away. She was just so overbearing! Of course, that was what he felt at the time, and looking back on it, he wishes that he would’ve been a bit nicer to her. She was just trying to show that she cared, and he treated her like she was no more than mouse dung because of it.
Perhaps this was around the time that everything started. Larkpaw seemed to have begun to develop feelings for the tom and, unbeknownst to him, he began to start feeling something towards her.
The two walked, Darkpaw continuously teasing his friend with playful flirting and Larkpaw unable to properly respond for most of it. At some point, Darkpaw spontaneously decided to do some battle training.
For the first little bit of it, Darkpaw was overwhelming Larkpaw with his sheer size and strength, however, that did not last long. Darkpaw had been knocked to the side by a blow from the smaller cat and as a result, lost his balance after his injured shoulder gave out.
Larkpaw, ever the opportunist, capitalized on this and leapt upon him. Generally, this wouldn’t be much of an issue. However, in the heat of the moment, her claws slid out and reopened his wound. They stopped there, and after much apologizing and reassurance, the two made their way back to camp with Darkpaw leaning on Larkpaw for assistance.
At some point after this, Larkpaw was named the first and only apprentice enforcer. This lead to Darkpaw being both jealous and proud of his best friend. Though she was younger than him, in a way, she had already surpassed him. He congratulated her as any good friend would, and nothing much changed between them.
Sometime later, both of the young cats became warriors early. Or, in the case of Larkfire, a full enforcer. Larkfire, the younger of the two, received her warrior name right after him, much to the shock of Darkfall. Though a bit jealous that his friend beat him to becoming an enforcer first, he was really happy for her.
After this ceremony, Darkfall found himself heading to Moonlit Grove to inform his lost loved ones about the things happening in his life.
It was when he finished baring his heart out to the deceased, it was then that he met Larkfire who had left the camp and was waiting for him.
Initially, Darkfall was cross with her (something he’d come to regret much later) and standoff-ish. However, after receiving some form of comfort from his friend, he was able to open up a little bit. The two would go to find shelter from the snowstorm that came in and would spend some time chatting within the hollow of a tree.
After some playful teasing, and having a brief heart-to-heart of sorts, the two cats waited for the storm to clear up before heading back to camp.
After heading back from the snowstorm, Darkfall fully began to develop feelings for Larkfire. He never actually mentioned anything to anyone, and up until this point, he was mainly flirting with her because they garnered cute reactions. But after that time he spent with her in the snowstorm, something within him that had been dormant for so long began to awaken. Whispering in his ear that Larkfire might just be the one.
Fair warning
I'm damaged, I come with baggage too
Just saying, I'm always broken and I
Don't wanna break you too
It was after the border skirmish with ThunderClan that Darkfall truly processed the feelings he had towards Larkfire. He liked her. Like… like liked her. Being new to this feeling, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. The idea of Larkfire being hurt or worse, dying - scared him more than he could even begin to express.
This was around the time the tom began to distance himself from the object of his feelings. The nightmares had started. After the back-to-back deaths of his loved ones, Darkfall often had nightmares. These dreams usually in some shape or form involved him helplessly staring at their deceased bodies, unable to move or speak.
After the border skirmish that the frequency of these terrible dreams increased. Seemingly every night the young warrior would be plagued by the deaths of his loved ones, or be surrounded by a pool of blood at the border. One thing remained consistent about these dreams: the phantoms that haunted him regularly jeered at and taunted him, belittling him at every turn. Calling him names like “useless”, “failure”, or “liar”, they’d repeat this over and over again.
Darkfall knew that these phantoms weren’t real, but the consistency of the bad dreams eventually affected his waking life as well. Darkfall fell into a depression and began to seclude himself from others. The black tabby had always felt like something was wrong with him, but this convinced him of it. He was cursed. What other explanation could there be? First, his mother died, then it was his sister, then it was his mentor, and now there was a battle at the border that left three dead. Everyone around him seemed to be dropping like flies.
It was because of this, coupled with the eventual death of Mirehound and disappearances of Shadowfur, and his younger siblings - Strawberrykit and Vulturepaw - respectively, that he began to avoid Larkfire.
Don't you come any closer
Don't you dare ask to come over
'Cause I'll do something dumb
Like let you in
It was a selfish and disgusting act that he would later come to regret. Instead of talking things out and explaining what was going on with him, he bottled his feelings and pushed his best friend away. He didn’t want to lose her too. If Larkfire died, he wasn’t sure what he would do - that’s how important she was to him.
It hurt. A lot. Darkfall felt like he was losing another piece of himself every time he thought about the she-cat and the action he chose to take. In the process of refusing to, in his eyes, lose his love by putting her in danger, he instead chose to lose her in a different way - pushing her so completely away, that she wouldn’t be around him at all.
It was for her own good, he told himself. She was better off without him, he would say. Not knowing that he was tearing the both of them apart in ways that would not be easily healed.
We both know how this works
And one's gonna end up hurting
I don't wanna do it again
I'm scared of what I'll do
I'm scared of what I'll say
I'm scared you'll just
Get bored and push my love away
I'm scared to let you in
'Cause I'm scared to let you go
So I just think it's better if we never know
What we could've been
The next few moons proceeded just like this. Darkfall, for the most part, continued to avoid Larkfire whenever possible, and working to harden his heart against the pain that came along with the separation from his friend.
It was an unfortunate thing, but again, Darkfall felt it was for the good of them both. As much as it may hurt him to not hear the voice of his beloved friend, or see her reactions to his playful flirting, he would persevere. He had to. It was the only way he could assure Larkfire’s safety.
Some time passed, and Darkfall’s young apprentice, Moonpaw, went missing. Darkfall initially waited things out for a day, but when she did not return, he went looking for her, spending a considerable amount of time in the territory and outskirts. [Check “Chapter One: Darkfall, the Case of the Missing Apprentice and a Potential New Lover?” for more information]
It was here that Darkfall met Heron. The loner reminded him of Larkfire in many ways, so much so, that he had initially mistaken her for his ex-friend when their eyes first met. It wasn’t long, however, before Darkfall began to notice that they were completely different. Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. The way Heron acted reminded him a lot of how Larkfire had once been many moons before while they were apprentices. Perhaps that was why, despite himself, he felt so much at ease around her. The current Larkfire was much too serious and gloomy, and even before then, he had begun to feel on edge around her - as if she’d snap at him at any moment if he said the wrong thing.
When he was with Heron, he began to notice the things and mannerisms that Larkfire once did and exhibited, and found himself appreciating them more now. It was around this time that he truly realized the gravity of the actions he had taken. Though they had just recently met, he could tell that Heron cared about him to some degree - just as Larkfire once did.
'Cause I'm too scared of it
Some people fall out of love
Some never find it, some say it's right
But just not the right timing
Because of this, the large tom found himself using Heron as a fill-in for the cat he still had feelings for. This is why he found himself letting the she-cat in little by little but also keeping her at arm’s length.
Her amber eyes reminded him of Larkfire’s own fiery orbs. Looking at her grey and white pelt while she rested, reminded him of the first night he spoke with the latter. He could still clearly remember the way the stars seemed to illuminate her as if she were a spirit. Darkfall could remember that night many moons ago as if it were yesterday. Gosh… She had looked so pretty at the Seastones then. There was nothing he wouldn’t give to go back to that night and start over. Unfortunately, things didn’t always end up how one wanted…
When he was getting ready to leave, Heron asked him if he would stay to be her mate. The question had caught him so completely off guard that he didn’t know what to say. The whole time he was here thinking of the she-cat who he had left back home, the one in front of him was looking toward a future with the two of them.
He told her no.
Heron tried to persuade him at first, but with his adamant attitude, quickly gave up and told him to hurry and leave so that she wouldn’t make more of a fool of herself. Darkfall nodded and quickly left, not wanting to have a change of heart. He had a clan to return to after all.
”Don’t forget about me, okay? Make sure every once in a while, you come to see me. Or at least if you’re in the area. Oh, and make sure you don’t hurt yourself and that you eat enough, alright?” Heron had said, and at that moment, Darkfall agreed.
In truth, he didn’t have much intention to come back out here, but if he were to come this way again, he would make sure to give the lithe she-cat a visit. He did enjoy her company if he was, being honest, so he saw no reason not to.
It was what happened next that threw him off. Heron gave him a sneaky “Take care, Darky, I love you” before running off.
Darky
This was a nickname that Larkfire had jokingly come up with for him many many moons ago, and none other had called him since then. As he watched her go, dumbfounded, he wondered what it’d be like to hear those same words from the one his heart truly desired. The thought brought him a small smile and he knew what he needed to do next.
Some people make promises
And then change their mind
When somebody else comes
Along to make it one-sided
With a newfound determination and empty-pawed, Darkfall made his way back to the camp to those that he left behind.
It didn’t take long after he returned to camp to find out that his remaining kin had either gone missing or died during his absence. This absolutely crushed Darkfall. Now he truly had no one left but himself. He didn’t have long to grieve though, because the battle for Sunkissed Creek was looming on the horizon. He had to prepare, and it was during this battle that he would unleash all the pent-up rage he felt for his fallen family and clanmates.
If all good things come to an end
Why even start this up
I think I’m scared of us
Yeah, I’m so scared of us
Why even start this up?
I think I’m scared of us
I think I’m scared of love
Shortly after this battle, Darkfall was in the process of recovering from the wounds he sustained. It was the first time he had properly been able to relax in the camp in well over two weeks since he had initially left in search of his apprentice. It was then that Woollyfearher called some of her clanmates to action to renovate the disturbed Moonlit Grove.
It was here that Darkfall and Larkfire had quite the reunion. Darkfall joined the group late, having taken some time to clean his wounds. Initially, the tom was helping the organizer of the event with some of the lighter work due to his injury, but after Hawkbite had a fit, he ran to the area where he found Larkfire in a grave.
He had attempted to drag her out but slipped and fell on top of her instead.
Darkfall could still remember coming face to face with those beautiful amber eyes for the first time in moons. To be honest, he was completely mesmerized. At the time all he could think about was ”Wow she’s absolutely gorgeous” and using his willpower to not vomit on her. He’d never been able to look her in the face again if that happened.
This was also the moment that the large dark-furred tabby messed up. He had been a little too familiar with his old friend and called her “Larky”. Boy was she mad about that. To be fair, her reaction was justified. He had mistakenly believed that she would just proceed as things had been previously, and as a result, ended up being the target of her freshly kindled ire.
The two eventually got out and made their way to the medicine den. (Events TBRPed)
Since that encounter, Darkfall began to notice the small things about his former best friend, and things that happened in the past had begun o click into place. Larkfire was great with kits, something he hadn’t actually put any thought into before. She had at one point had a plethora of younger adopted siblings and seemed to be able to handle them quite well. Additionally, she at one point held a kit curriculum class, as he had and had quite a good amount of attendants. Then there was the whole Flowerkit thing at the clan meeting…
Oh! One couldn’t forget that she was caring. This was the one trait that Darkfall missed the most, as when they were younger, he had found it the most annoying. He used to believe that she was just being unnecessarily overbearing, and with everything that had happened in such a short time span, he just didn’t want that at the time.
Now though, Darkfall had come to appreciate it now that it was gone, regretting ever taking her caring attitude towards him for granted. Why had he been so stupid? Why couldn’t he have just been honest with her then? Maybe, if he had, things between them wouldn’t have ended up so… badly, to put it mildly.
Oh well, it was much too late to regret things now, he just had to try and move forward and attempt to right his wrongs.
All of the emotions that Darkfall had buried deep within his heart were beginning to resurface with a vengeance. He liked Larkfire. A lot. And now, he refused to deny those feelings. He wasn’t going to handle things the way he did before and would make an active effort to, not just go back to how they once were, but to be better than that.
When they were apprentices, Darkfall had told Larkfire that she was the only she-cat he had eyes on, and then things ended up progressing in a manner that showed the opposite. The truth of the matter is he had abandoned her, just left her all alone during a time of need. The cat who had been so worried about being left behind (via her potential death) had left the only cat that still had an inkling of positive feelings for him behind, and now not only did those feelings all but disappear, he had a duty to set things straight.
He had to step up now and make the first move. And the first order of business was to get back into shape. He felt that if he wanted to catch the eye of Larkfire, he’d have to show that he was competent and reliable.
He had always been a good hunter and an above-average fighter he felt, but that wasn’t enough. He had to hone his skills to the point where catching prey, or overwhelming an opponent was like second nature to him.
He would do whatever he had to if it meant that he could win back the heart of his ex-friend. No matter how long it took, no matter how much he had to suffer, he was determined to go about things the right way this time. He didn’t have any status to his name, he wasn’t an enforcer like she was. Additionally, he didn’t have any outstanding achievements or anything. What he did have, was a heart that yearned for hers. A heart that wanted what was best for her, no matter how misguided that feeling could be at times.
It was for this reason that Darkfall went out to the Training Cliffs. Yes, he wanted to get back into shape in preparation for the potential full-scale war with ThunderClan, but he also had an underlying motive. The night when he left camp, he poured his heart and soul into his reps, until his muscles were screaming for him to stop.
After finishing, he made his way back to camp and when he laid down in his nest to sleep, he decided that never again would he fall back into a rutt. Never again would he allow his past trauma to get in the way of his feelings for the youngest enforcer. Never again would he push her away like he did. Never again would he sit there and give her promises that he couldn’t keep. And never again would he take Larkfire for granted as he aimed to get back into her good graces.
__________________
Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
Chapter 4: Darkpaw - Supermarket Flowers
Set about 7 days after Snailpounce’s Death, 6 days before Fallenpaw’s death, and 8 before Cinderblaze’s death.
Based on the song “Supermarket Flowers” by Ed Sheeran
I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"
But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink
Darkpaw had snuck out of camp and was currently holding some red flowers in his jaws as he made his way through the territory. On this occasion, his destination was Moonlit Grove.
It had taken a little bit of finesse to avoid the warriors in the clan and to sneak away from his few-day-old baby brothers and sister, but he managed it. There was something he had to do tonight.
Maneuvering his way through the territory, it didn’t take him too long to get there. Once there, the 8-moon-old apprentice made his way to a spot he had come to just a few days prior.
The spot that held his deceased mother.
His mother died while giving birth to his youngest siblings, a mere few sunrises ago, and he was here to properly pay his respects. That was his mom, y’know? And you only ever get one of those. It was only right that he’d come here bearing a proper tribute to the deceased queen.
Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broken is a heart that's been loved
Standing before the grave, Darkpaw just stared at the spot. Now that he was here, he didn’t want to be. He wanted to go back to camp. Just what was he thinking? Why had he come here?
Memories of his kithood and his mom watching over him and Fallenpaw playing, warning them not to be too rough with each other, or stray too far flashed through his mind. To think, he’d only been an apprentice for 2 moons and he just lost his mother.
Truth be told, Darkpaw was feeling a little bitter. Why was it that his mom had to die for some new kits when she was his mom first? For the past 8 moons, it was just him and Fallenpaw, but here they were, taking his mother from him. It wasn’t fair! It didn’t help that he didn’t even know who the father was, much like the situation with his own. Did she do that on purpose? Did she know that he’d want to get revenge against the cat that led this series of events to happen? Just why?
Setting the flowers down, Darkpaw backed up a couple of steps before sitting down on his haunches. Wait. Was he trembling? Just why was he shaking like this…?
It hurt. It hurt so very much.
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
It wasn’t long before Darkpaw found himself letting out a sniffling sob in front of the grave as he finally came to terms with what happened.
His mother. Was dead.
Over the last few days, he had been in a state of denial. He hadn’t personally buried the black and white queen, so he hadn’t actually seen her being put into the ground, but things were definitely different. He didn’t see her around camp, or where she should have been - in a nest with his newborn siblings, or even in the warrior’s den.
His mother was truly gone
The large apprentice sniffed hard. ”Mom… Can you hear me from down here?” he asked wonderingly, choking back another sob.
Fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived
Darkpaw believed in StarClan, which considering the environment he was in, was weird. Many of the cats in his clan since Dawnstar’s era believed in and worshipped the Darkforest, but he wasn’t one of them. The Darkforest was supposed to be a place where all the bad cats go, right? So why would he want to go there? It just didn’t make any sense to him.
The past few days, he had largely been numb. He poked his head into the nursery once or twice a day to check on his siblings but otherwise stayed holed up in the apprentice’s den. Though he wasn’t the most outgoing or friendly cat, he’d generally be doing something.
It was during these few days that his litter-sister, Fallenpaw had remained by his side. The two of them had been there during their mother’s final moments, getting the names of the kits before she left the world of the living. The two didn’t talk much, they never did nowadays, but just being in each other’s presence was more than enough. The words that they could not convey didn’t need to be spoken to get the point across. They were there for one another, neither wanting to look particularly weak in front of the other - they were both stubborn that way.
After a long time of silence, Darkpaw spoke again. ”The kits are fine mom, Fallenpaw and I will take care of them so don’t worry,” he said to the grave in front of him. His mother wasn’t actually there listening to him, but he hoped that up in StarClan she could hear his voice.
”I promise that we’ll take care of everything here. After all, you left them with two responsible older siblings,” the dark tabby said in an attempt to both make a joke, and reassure himself while quelling his own fears,
It wasn’t funny. All it did was make him feel worse.
So I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home
”Mom… I hope you made it to StarClan alright…” he said, voice cracking. If she was indeed in StarClan, perhaps he’d see her again someday. All he had to do was wait. ”I’ll… I’ll make sure to keep up with my training. Food’s been a little short lately, but I’ll make sure I eat enough so that one day I can be a big, strong warrior you can be proud of,” he promised.
Darkpaw always wanted to be a warrior, ever since he was little. He thought that the cats who defended the clan were the absolute coolest and he wanted to be just like them when he grew up. It was like a dream come true when he was assigned to be Cinderblaze’s apprentice, however, lately the two of them hadn’t done too much training and he was seeing the deputy less and less. Well, he was sure everything would be fine on that end.
”Mom, please watch over us, okay? I… I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” the tom said. ”I know we hadn’t been close the last few moons, I’m really sorry. I wanted to fix that, but hadn’t made the time,” he admitted reluctantly. ”Why… why did you have to leave us like this…? Strawberrykit, Vulturekit, Smokekit, and Smolderingkit are going to have to grow up without their real mother now… Why couldn’t you stay?” he demanded solemnly.
Not getting a response, of course, Darkpaw sat in silence after that. How much time passed? He wasn’t sure, but it took a long while for him to finally get up and leave.
Leaving the grave behind him as he made his way back to camp, the grieving son said a small prayer ”Oh StarClan, I ask that you bring my mother safely into your paws and allow her to watch us from her place in Silverpelt. Grant me the opportunity to be a good son and give me the strength to guide my younger siblings in these trying times.”
After a long walk back to camp, he pushed himself into the apprentice’s den and crawled into his nest. ’Goodbye, Mom. I love you’ he thought to himself as he drifted into a deep sleep.
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home
__________________
Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
Chapter 5: Darkfall -- I've Been Dying to Live, but Living to Die Warning: This post contains mentions of self-doubt, suicidal thoughts, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, dissociation, and depression. Please proceed with caution.
Some time had passed since Larkfire had effectively ended things with him. She had said things like “she still loved him” or it was “a break”, but Darkfall knew what it truly was. She didn’t need him anymore. She didn’t want him anymore. She was better off without him.
He had known this of course, before he had even asked, that she still held feelings for Sleepykit’s father, “Prince” she had called him, but some part of him wanted to believe that eventually, that would go away and only feelings of him would remain. It was a selfish, inconsiderate thought. One that he felt disgusted with. Even in the time they were together, it was all he could think about. Was he doing enough? Was he doing things right? Was she happy with him? Etc. The large tom constantly found himself compared to the invisible tom that was seemingly out of the picture. He found himself wondering if this “Prince” would’ve handled things differently. If he would’ve kept Larkfire contained within the camp during both of her pregnancies. If he would have not his head and lost almost all of his memories. If he would’ve been better for her.
It was all so bad that often times if it wasn’t the fear of his ever-present nightmares, then it was the feelings of self-doubt and worry that kept him up. The fear that one day Larkfire would decide that she was done with him and would leave. It was something that weighed heavily on his mind even before everything bad started happening. During the initial days, he would find himself waking up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, and then heading to the nursery to make sure that she was still there. It was hard to believe that she would settle for someone like him, and oftentimes he would have to nibble the end of his tail to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
It got worse after she became Elmshadow’s apprentice. She hardly had any time left for Sleepykit, much less him. They’d tried to make time for one another when they could, but with wildly different schedules and duties – her being the medicine cat in training, and him being one of three enforcers at the time, it just made things hard. He tried to do small gestures like bringing her prey, or stopping by if even for a moment, but their relationship had already begun to crack under the pressure from what was going on. These cracks were small, hardly even noticeable, and even if he was paying attention, he’d have missed it.
Things got worse after he hit his head. Even to this day, after recovering most of his memories, those two weeks were very foggy for him. It was ironic to think that one of the things that led to the downhill of their relationship was his attempt to bring her back a gift. He wondered if she still had it – the owl feather. He was not confident enough to ask with everything that had happened since, but if she did still have it, it’d make him feel a little better about himself. Of course, he would understand if she no longer kept it, hell, he wouldn’t even blame her if she would’ve tossed it out. In his eyes, it was just a reminder of his failures. His failures as an enforcer, his failures as a mate, and his failures as a dad.
He was a failure.
Every day was a reminder of this fact, every day was a reminder of his shortcomings. Even after his recovery, he never fully went back to his enforcer or his guard duties, he was slacking. He felt terrible. He gained most of his memories back in the aftermath of Larkfire being blinded and renamed and then subsequently had his daughter kidnapped within the following days. Each day he could feel the burning disappointment not only from Dawnstar, but from others as well. Though he was trying got do better, his own sons and daughters for the most part looked at his as if he were something not even the crows would feed on.
It hurt. A lot.
Feeling like he was letting everyone down, feeling like he wasn’t doing enough. It didn’t help that Larkfire took an apprentice of her own. She seemed to devote more time to Mossfreckle than she did to him or the kits. He understood she had a duty to train the next medicine cat, however, some of the kits felt neglected, and it was hard for him to be with all of them at all times on top of his own duties. He could get over the fact that he wasn’t receiving much attention, however, the kits were his priority, and it felt like Larkfire just didn’t care all that much about them sometimes when he knew she actually loved them more than anything. It was something he struggled to come to terms with, but he tried his best to see things from her point of view.
Darkfall didn’t know when, but somewhere along the way he had begun slipping, and now he was tumbling headfirst into the deep end. Everything around him started crumbling and he was scrambling to pick up and salvage the pieces. He had begun losing his sense of self, his identity. Larkfire leaving him was the final nail in the coffin. ”I need to find myself again, Darkfall.” she had told him ”Without you.”
The cloudy-eyed she-cat’s words had done nothing but solidify everything he had been thinking and feeling for the last few moons. She didn’t need him. She didn’t want him. She was better of without him. After everything was said and done, he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret. If only he had acted faster, choosing to be closer to her instead of distancing himself the year prior. If only he had stayed in camp instead of disappearing for a moon in an attempt to find his apprentice, filling the void in his heart with a knock-off copy of her. If only he had never talked to her again, leaving her be when coming back instead of trying to find ways to talk to her, to go back to how things were before. He should’ve known, and he should’ve never expected that things would go back to how they were before. It was impossible. His actions after their respective warrior and enforcer ceremonies had already sent things along an irreversible path of ruin. He should’ve known that no matter what he did, her heart no longer belonged to him, but to another.
He messed up.
She didn’t need him.
She wasn’t coming back.
Though part of him wanted to hold out faith that he would somehow be able to prove his worth to her again, a larger, more dominant part of him understood that after she “found herself” as she called it, she would want nothing to do with him. He wanted to tell himself that it was fine, that it was okay, but he knew deep down that it wasn’t. It felt like burning claws of fire had pierced his heart and were tearing it apart. It felt as if the very fabric of his being were being unraveled and thrown back together over and over and over again. With each passing day he found his sense of self slipping, often times he would wake up unsure of who he was or what he was here for. On such days he would go out of camp with Mistlewhisker, or spend time with his kits in an attempt to feel something. Some days it would work, and others it was just a numb sensation, one that felt like there was static in his head. Then other times still, he felt like an emotional mess, like he was able to flood RiverClan with his tears and would cry until he couldn’t cry anymore or he’d have brief moments of inexplicable anger. It was a rough time for him, a time where he was holding on by the narrowest of strands.
Almost every night, before turning in for the night, the young tom would remind himself over and over again that he was Darkfall, that he was not only a warrior, but also an Enforcer of ShadowClan. He told himself over and over and over again that he was not weak, that as a member of ShadowClan he was strong. It was hard to believe though, as he didn’t feel very strong. He felt like a weakling, he felt like he was worthless and didn’t matter. Sometimes he felt like giving up, just so he didn’t have to feel the hurt anymore – to feel like this. He’d only been alive for 25 moons up to this point, but it felt like he had lived three times that with all of the loss and pain he had unfortunately suffered.
Life was becoming too taxing and at some point he acknowledged that if it weren’t for the kits that hardly even tolerated him, then there was a good chance that he wouldn’t even be here, much less remain in the clan. He had reached most of his dreams and aspirations, having become an enforcer, becoming mates with Larkfire, and then starting a family. What else was left for him? He could get his crap together and aim to become deputy maybe, but could he really handle that right now? That was just more work, more opportunities to disappoint everyone.
He didn’t know what to do anymore, what to live for.
He wasn't good enough for anything or for anyone.
This very tom who had been struggling and having these thoughts for the past few moons, watching everything he knew and loved be snatched from him bit by bit was sitting at the edge of the river that ran through ShadowClan territory. This very same tom had been sitting in silence for hours, hardly moving a muscle as he just watched the water pass by. After all this time, Darkfall finally spoke, voice hardly above a whisper in the wind.
”... Please… help me…”
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Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
Dark's Case Files [Collection of Written VAs]
