underneath the same moon [ rabbitshiver VA ]

[beau]

forgive me, peter
my lost fearless leader
...
promises ocean deep
but never to keep
...
but life was always easier on you
than it was on me
...
we both did the best we could do
underneath the same moon

Willownose must have been talking for hours at this point. She never needed much from Rabbitshiver to keep the conversation going; just a nudge here or there was enough to send her spiraling down a new rabbit-trail. Still, she was being... chattier than usual. A kind of nervous energy radiating off of her in a way that Rabbitshiver perhaps would not be able to pick up on if they weren't her sibling. It was like she was anticipating something.

Immediately after, Rabbitshiver would wonder how she had known to expect something. It wasn't as if he had it planned when they left camp.

"... of course, it's not like I'm mad at her. It's just like... I wish she'd let me take a breather for one day. Y'know?" Willownose was still prattling on.

Rabbitshiver hummed.

"I mean, I've been getting up every morning at dawn for moons now. You'd think mom would be chill with me sleeping in for just one day, but noooo. It's not like I've been working my tail off or anything." Her voice dripped with sarcasm. "But mom's been in a weird mood recently. Have you noticed that too? I mean maybe it's just in my head, but I think she's being strange."

Rabbitshiver gave her an odd look, mouth twitching. "Willa, I haven't talked with mom since before the last gathering."

His sister frowned and huffed a sigh. "I wished you'd try a little more sometimes. It's not like mom 'n dad will be around forever. I just don't want you to regret... I don't know. I think you should try talking to them more, Rabbs."

Of course, he needed to try harder. Rabbitshiver set their mouth in a firm line and looked straight forward. It's not like he avoided his parents - quite the opposite actually. Willownose never got it though, and it wasn't worth running circles around the same argument again.

Willownose bumped her shoulder against theirs. "Sorry, we can talk about something different." The silence lapsed for a second as they padded along. "Thanks for coming on this walk with me. I miss you." It had been a hot minute since the last time they hung out, just the two of them. Not since after their post-ceremony vigil, eager to exercise their newfound independence. It was harder now though. Willownose was on just about every patrol she could get herself on, and Rabbitshiver was... killing time somehow. Patrols, on occasion. Usually hunting alone. Which was fine! It was fine. Things had been different between them and Willa since apprenticehood, and he had long since accepted that. For the most part, it seemed Willownose did too - but then she'd do odd things like this, and act like they were still playing mossball in the nursery together. It was puzzling, like Willownose still had some shard of their relationship that Rabbitshiver had never seen, but he could never say no to Willa. So they went on these rare walks whenever Willownose requested them.

Coincidentally, these walks always seemed to occur when Willownose needed to vent about something - whether it be her mate, or their parents, or the clan as a whole. They both knew Rabbitshiver would take whatever she set out and tuck them out of sight for both of them. He wasn't a gossip, wasn't nosy, and was cynical enough to agree with just about any complaint Willownose had, making them the perfect dumping ground for her gripes.

Rabbitshiver slowed slightly as he realized how quickly they were approaching the border. He shot Willownose a look and she grinned in return. "Up for some out-of-bounds roaming?"

Rabbitshiver's honest answer was no. It would be dark soon, and he was already quite sore, and he still wanted to catch something before he got back to camp. Otherwise this would just be another day of accomplishing nothing that their parents could give them scathing looks about. But he could never say no to Willa. So he shrugged obligingly. Besides, she'd goad him into tagging along anyways, whether by whining or taunting.

The two of them crossed the border without so much as a glance back.

Rabbitshiver can smell the reek of the twoleg place tree-lengths before the pair reached it. He hated it here. He never understood the appeal of it, but Willownose always adored sneaking around the twoleg place. She almost romanticized the idea of flirting with skinny alley cats, or frightening kittypets with tales of the forest. She used to whisper to Rabbitshiver at night at the start of their apprenticeship, wondering aloud what a different way of living would be like. How neat it would be to wander the strange stone trails that the elders described in their stories. Their first escapade in the twoleg place only served to blossom her intrigue, and it remained a favorite place of hers to sneak off to when she could manage it.

Like he said, he hated it here.

Rabbitshiver froze, the twoleg place now a few yards away from them, nose twitching. Willownose got a few paces ahead before she noticed and turned around. "Rabbs? C'mon, we're almost there."

Rabbitshiver shook their head. They needed to head back home. "Willa-" He was cut off by loud, shrill barking. The two warriors' heads snapped to watch with terror as a snarling dog barreled towards them, strands of drool flying from it's bared teeth. Rabbitshiver bolted, fur puffed out, and started clambering up the nearest tree. They could hear Willownose shriek behind him.

He hauled himself onto a branch, crouching down and watching with wide eyes as Willownose hissed and spat at the dog, a flurry of fluff and claws and teeth. Of course she wouldn't run. She was a hell of a fighter, but this dog was nasty and bigger than her.

"Rabbitwhisker! Rabbs- help!" Her pleas rang sharply in their head, as if she was perched on the branch right next to them, mouth pressed to his ear as she screamed, and he had a horrible, wonderful flash of a scene. A split second, but branded white-hot into their brain.

Rabbitshiver walking back to camp, alone, fur damp.
Rabbitshiver, going to sleep like his sister's nest wasn't cold and empty.
Rabbitshiver, looking up wide-eyed at their parents as they wake them up, frantic as they search for Willownose.
Rabbitshiver as words tumble out of his mouth, like a breath he can't hold anymore.

"Me and Willa talked about the twoleg place last night.
Willa said she went for a walk.
I think Willa left.
I don't think Willa is coming back."

Rabbitshiver blinked, hard. What would his parents do without Willownose? Their darling daughter. The strong one. The one who wasn't a sickly kit. The one who didn't sleep in on rainy days because her bones hurt. The one who had a mate and friends and who beamed at their parents as if they had some shred of kindness in them.

Willa, who'd cluck her tongue disapprovingly when their parents called Rabbitshiver their daughter.
Willa, who brought Rabbitshiver voles when he was curled in his nest with aching joints.
Willa, who called them Rabbs.
Willa, who used to play mossball with him.

Willownose, who'd tease Rabbitshiver, shoving them far beyond their comfort zone.
Willownose, with her barbed tongue that lashed at Rabbitshiver alone because they could take it.
Willownose, who asked for walks and said she missed them because she need somewhere to keep her problems.
Willownose, who blamed Rabbitshiver for their parents ugly moods.
Willownose, who sneered at him with her friends when she thought they weren't looking.
Willownose, who hadn't really been Willa since they'd become apprentices.

Almost entranced, Rabbitshiver dug his claws into the branch he sat on and watched the dog rip his sister to pieces. It was strange, disembodied. Moths seemed to flutter in his chest. He slipped away - the dog was too distracted to notice.

They were numb as they walked through thorny brambles home. Numb as he waded through a frigid creek to clear off any twoleg scent. Numb as he sunk his fangs into a freshly caught mouse and carried it home to put in the prey pile. Numb as they curled up in his nest.

He woke up before his parents, unlike in his vision. He pretended he didn't, instead let them shake them until they opened their eyes. Their questions were too muffled reaching his ears, but he knew what they wanted to know. His answers came on a cottoned tongue.

"Me and Willa talked about the twoleg place last night.
Willa said she went for a walk.
I think Willa left.
I don't think Willa is coming back."

It was only a moon before Rabbitshiver accepted that his wretched, impulsive idea yielded no results. He had left his parents with no children. Only someone for them to aim their venom at when they needed something to rip into on their worst days, and a living ghost to ignore on their best.

He pretended there was no twist of satisfaction when he had nightmares about his sister. Pretended their anger was at themself for watching their sister die, and not at the fact that he'd done it for nothing. Pretended the moths that still rustled around their heart were guilt, and not some... unidentifiable emotion. Pretended it was okay, because he had killed Willownose, not Willa.

forgive me, peter
my lost fearless leader