Stars They Came, But They Weren't Bright Enough

[Abyssopelagic]

Coldamber watched the WindClan medicine den from her usual spot. Her ears twitched at the idea of speaking to Lightningstorm again. Last they'd spoken, she'd been Lightningpaw.
And a great deal had happened between now and then. She couldn't imagine her being happy to see the ancient Medicine Cat after all this time. But, she had knowledge to impart upon her, and her fatigue demanded she get it done now, before she opted to give herself a rest so that she wasn't constantly worrying that something else would once again distract her from visiting.
When Lightningstorm finally fell asleep, Coldamber hesitated. For the first time, she wasn't sure she wanted to visit one of her Medicine Cat's. Was she wrong for that?
She'd always been so happy and pleased to simply see them in the past, so why was it any different now? Was it just because of the time that had passed? Or was it because she'd purposefully drawn away from WindClan in an attempt to be impartial, only to now realize she'd simply been neglectful to Lightningstorm?
Was it negligence?
WindClan had a Medicine Cat, a trained one at that. Had she been so wrong to try to prioritize getting RiverClan on its paws each time a new healer failed? She was so tired.
There was too much going on. She wished time outside of StarClan would be more still, that the living would just slow down.
Blinking exhausted, amber eyes, she reluctantly tugged at Lightningstorm's consciousness to invite her up.


[ @Alchemist Kitsune ]

[Alchemist Kitsune]

| Lightningstorm |
Flock Together [Tier 3] - Inactive | Mind Reader - Active

---

It had been one of her more comfortable sleeps. The lack of dreams was a welcome respite from her usual nightmares. Even after Firestorm had taken to moving in with her into her den, the nightly horrors had continued for the most part. Twisted and morphed to tease her. Torment her with her current fears. Her guilt still carried. The one she felt becoming a burden now. Yet every now and then the tabby's presence was able to take it all away. Remove her worries until the morning came again.

The extra company caught the Abyssinian mix by surprise. Lapis hues opening not to find the beautiful tabby that had somehow both bullied and comforted her into becoming her mate - Firestorm's knack for such ways of talking for once not providing merely a laugh - but a different, familiar face. One she hadn't seen in so very long. Stars, it felt like it had been far longer than she'd even lived. The time before Cowtuft's exile just seemed like such a lifetime away now. And yet there was no joy in Lightningstorm's face when her tired gaze met Coldamber's, a scowl quick to form on her features. She remembered facts about her well enough by now. A former WindClanner who seemed to be more interested in the well being of the other clans - clans like ThunderClan - to be too bothered to visit her former clanmates. She had certainly been too bloody arsed to visit Cowtuft during the horrid events that lead to his exile... to his death. And now she dared show her face here?

"You..."

The word was spoken dejectedly as the medicine cat's eyes narrowed. She had spoken to StarClan after his fall from grace. After the rats in this worthless place had wanted to hunt him for fun and sport in the face of tragedy. A queen that had admitted to not having been someone of import in life - a baffling thought as far as Lightningstorm was concerned, having once believed StarClan to be free from the shackles of hierarchy - and a tom that had delivered news that had simultaneously been the best news she had ever received along with the vilest. It had been as though if StarClan couldn't get enough of pestering her after the fact. So why did this one have to approach her now?

---

@Abyssopelagic [Coldamber]

[Abyssopelagic]

Coldamber watched as the cogs in Lightningstorm's head turned. Though no words were spoken, she knew what was going through the others head.
How dare you.
How dare, how dare, how dare you come back.
How dare you have ever left.

She watched the contempt form across the younger's face and equally tired eyes gazed back at the Medicine Cat. Unlike Cowtuft's successor, her face had not the energy to twist into a mask that reflected her emotions.
Never happy.
No one was ever happy with her, or what she did.
Always told she was never doing enough.
Always alone, but never considered how much she was always trying and doing for others.
Always for everyone but herself.

"Yes," her voice was deceptively soft, but rang with assuredness in the still, dead air around them. "Me."
There was no mockery in her tone, though no doubt it came across as such to the undeniably young lady in front of her.
For a moment, she simply stared back at the calico, as if somehow expecting her to have a response. The pause was long enough, she parted her lips once again, her mouth slightly ajar as she thought of her words. What to say.
She could not be as soft with Lightningstorm as she had been with Springlight. Approaching soft meant approaching indirectly, and she doubted she would stick around for indirectness.

"Well, I've no doubt you wish for me to address the wolf in the den. You want to know why I was gone so long.
Why I didn't warn you of...."
She stopped, and her face finally tightened, her nose unintentionally crinkling.
"And I do not have a reason that you will like. All I have is the truth, that I was elsewhere, busy with the matters of other Clan's."
And that was why she was so mad at her, right?
That she had shed the expectation of being loyal to one Clan only, in death, and that she no longer saw a reason for her to discriminate in who she helped.
Why have the freedom if you weren't to use it?

No one else did.

No one else would.

And as always, it was just her. It was just her trying to fix everything at once, and because no one else was trying to pick up the pieces, she was the one that received the harsh words and judgement when no others showed their face.
Oh, it was always her Clanmates ready to lay down the first strike. Always ready to cast words and judgement without thinking.
It was what had happened to Cowtuft, too. Wasn't it?
But she was not sure if she could blame them. Was it treason or was it negligence?
In the end, she supposed it didn't matter.
Cats were dead.

It was his fault.

It was her fault, too.

She'd trusted him with her Clan, thought he'd take care of those she once loved with all her heart. She'd been wrong.
And her Clan had paid the price for her complacency and willingness to trust.
"I thought you were good for him. I thought, with the two of you.... That you wouldn't need me to check in as often. I had trusted... That you two were skilled enough and worked together well enough that I could focus on those who did not have competent healers."
She clenched her jaw, preparing for another spout of words telling her why she should have, should have, should have known better.
Why she should always know everything, all at once, and all of the time.
Why she was not allowed to ever fall victim to error.

That she should only.

Ever.

Be.

Perfect.



[ @Alchemist Kitsune ]

[Alchemist Kitsune]

| Lightningstorm |
Flock Together [Tier 3] - Inactive | Mind Reader - Active

---

Had the medicine cat had any level of energy left in her, she was certain her hackles would have raised at the assuredness in Coldamber's tone as she responded. Like a mockery of all the turmoil WindClan had gone through since the poisonings had began. No. Since before that still. Cowtuft had simply held on to some level of hope, some pointless dream that the stars still listened and cared for them. And Lightningstorm? She had been naive enough to believe her mentor knew best.

The silence clawed sickeningly around them. The tension was palpable, feeling as if it were both pushing down upon her while not allowing her rest. The lithe calico's tail twitched as the ancient WindClanner spoke, and lapis hues widened with disbelief. With open disgust. They had been... they had been floundering. Cats had died due to some unseen force. Some StarClan rat had been looking into their problems, hearing their pleas for help on how to save their clanmates only to backstab them. Go to ThunderClan with the news and in turn make sure WindClan was the last in the know, when yet another died and joined the ranks of stars. In all this... all this time Larkthroat had told her that it wasn't that StarClan had forsaken them. It was simply that there weren't enough WindClanners with power in the stars. Not enough cats that would be remembered well enough to jump into dreams with warnings and aid to give. What a strike to the face it was to realize that had all been a lie.

"You were... busy... With the matters from another clan?" Lightningstorm repeated once Coldamber had finished speaking, her voice small. Slow. Like a kit being told something new that they were simply too young to grasp.

A storm brewed in her almond shaped eyes as she took in the former medicine cat's face, betrayal flickering before a tempest of ire overtook her glare. The StarClanner had been gone tending to the needs of other clans... because she had thought Cowtuft and her competent? It was clear she no longer thought as much, what with her finally showing her face. And the young molly couldn't help but feel insulted by the insinuation. Her mentor had been more than capable! The best there had been! If not for the rats that infested the place he had once laid his head in. Was that how they were to live then? To see enemies everywhere? To understand that even the stars themselves had more pressing matters to tend to, like the prosperity of enemy clans.

"Well you'll have to bloody forgive me for disappointing, won't you? You see, I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was killing my clanmates alongside him!" she mewed, her voice growing in pitch until there was no mistaking the strength of her rage. The conviction behind her emotions. Because she was done. She was done with being everyone's stepping stone. She was done having arseholes look at her like if she was less than them for the crime of being just one cat who seemed to have the world of both the dead and the living conspiring against her!

"Guess it ended up evening out in the end though, didn't it? What with how disappointed we all are with the stars. Imagine our surprise finding out StarClan has the time to find out what is killing our clanmates but deciding to inform ThunderClan about it only so they can take bloody advantage of the whole thing!" she roared, hackles fully raised at this point as she paced back and forth like a caged, rabid creature ready to strike.

"And for what? Because we were supposed to live up to some sort of... absurd expectation?! Well, it's all bloody good to see that the dead and living think the same now, innit?! Do you have any idea what it's like?! To be accused of murder all because you never dared dream your own, worthless clan would sabotage their own herbs! Because you never thought that someone would turn herbs that are meant to save lives into implements of death?! Oh, but it's all fine, because you were simply too busy with the bloody matters from another clan!"

---

@Abyssopelagic [Coldamber]

[Abyssopelagic]

Coldamber let the silence around them fester like some kind of infection, intent on taking over and destroying everything it could get a hold of. But she would not be the one that broke the silence. She had taken the first step, now it was Lightningstorm's turn to meet her half way.

And she did, the calico finally made that last step on her own, with hesitation and trepidation. Disbelief that she dared to have interests outside of WindClan.
But she didn't let her anger get the better of her just yet. The anger was there, but had yet to be acted on and Coldamber would not be the one to cast the first stone.
Spoiled, some dark part of her whispered.
She's grown spoiled, so used to having her knowledge simply given, so used to having a guiding paw among the stars she couldn't see how selfish she was being. Done, she wanted to be done with trying to be understanding of others when it was so obvious that no one was trying to do the same for her.

Her nose crinkled at the accusation that she was disappointed with Lightningstorm. She wasn't, could never be. The unspoken mention of Cowtuft, however, made her heart flare with betrayal and hurt. She'd trusted him with her Clan, and he.... And he...
He broke that trust.
But he was dead now. And it no longer matters. What was done could not be fixed, and no amount of feelings or words or actions could change it.
She felt insulted when Lightningstorm accused her of spreading WindClan's business, and she couldn't stop the hiss that escaped her lips. Couldn't stop the words that escaped her next.
"And undoubtedly, you somehow think that I am solely responsible, right?"
That was it. The floodgate had opened and now her fury and anger, the emotions she'd tried to hide for so long were spilling forth like a waterfall, an avalanche, a comet crashing into the earth's crust, intent to crush and destroy.
"Because I am the only cat in ALL OF STARCLAN?"
Her chest puffed up and her one un-shredded ear plastered itself to her skull as she stared at the scarless molly in front of her.
"Why should I be the only cat in this FORSAKEN SKY that has any responsibility for watching over WindClan? How many deputies and leaders and Medicine Cat's and WARRIORS are up here with me?? And any one of them could have warned you.
I didn't even know any of it was happening until Cowtuft had already been exiled, until cats had already died.
But no, it's MY FAULT because I'm trying to make up for generations worth of dead that don't care for their living, because I'm trying to pick up the slack of living cats that CAN'T EVEN TEACH THE BASICS OF HEALING TO THEIR APPRENTICES BEFORE THEY BUZZ OFF!"
And now, now she was really getting angry. It had all snowballed, she'd wanted to simply make her point, but to be demonized for the inaction of all the dead that came from the Clan's?
She was doing more than anyone else had ever done, and she was still being blamed for everyone else's choices.
"I'm so sorry for thinking that a Clan that had two Medicine Cat's could wait for me while I made sure innocent cats didn't die because RiverClan kept appointing children as their Medicine Cats. I obviously should have let them learn on their own the same way I did."

She was trembling now, a fury that made her very bones feel like they might rattle out from under her fur. She felt the anger come from her in wave after fiery wave. And that was it. She'd done it. She said the words that sent her off the deep in. "Do you even know...."
Oh, she knew, she had lived it many times over and she hadn't even had the luxury of StarClan's guidance, her own apprentice hadn't ever been there for her.
Lightningstorm had so many things she'd never been allowed, and somehow still thought the one damn cat trying to help her was in the wrong.
"I know better than you realize. Stars, you don't realize how much I understand. It's why I came back at all."
She grit her teeth.
"I had no guidance when I'd been Medicine Cat, not from the living and not from the dead, and I had to teach RiverClan's child Medicine Cat. And when I had to leave for a moon to heal ThunderClan, and then taught their Medicine Cat, there were no paws to guide me.
When the Medicine Cat I left murdered their leader, ThunderClan blamed me for it, as if I could have predicted her mental decline, as if I could have predicted the tendencies of a cat I'd never met before. No one spoke up when the choice was given, no one who might have known her better said anything, and still I was the one attributed with their deaths."
And it wasn't the only time. There would be a second, and a third instance— she could scarcely keep track of the number of times she'd been blamed for things she couldn't control, could only have tried to prevent, but could never have known would come about.
Her anger and sense of betrayal was so strong, the ground itself imitated the way she trembled, rumbling with old hurts. Old wounds that threatened to unknit themselves after seasons of carefully being tended to.
"WindClan couldn't let it go, either, that I'd been called away, that an epidemic of whitecough had spread through camp while I was away, that my stand in's hadn't been able to catch it and stop it because I'd barely had time to train them what little I knew. They blamed me for every kitten I couldn't save."
Oh, and it hardly ended there.
It only got worse the closer to the end of her life she got.
"And when Twilightstar had been taken by Dawnstar, and our deputy was murdered, and I was the only one left. My own apprentice...."
Her voice cracked remembering Snailswirl hop atop the place Twilightstar would call meetings, their announcement that the stress was too much, that they couldn't take it anymore, that they were stepping down.... Knowing she would love to do the same. Snailswirl hadn't been met with anger, or hate, or blame. No one treated them with kindness, either, no one understood, but they didn't scream, didn't call them a coward....
"And when I found someone who could help us get Twilightstar back.... And found .... As many cats as I thought I could trust, I could make plans with ...
In between healing, and Dawnstar, and being viciously attacked in my own Den, I tried to organize things. But I was tired, I was stressed.
I didn't think to tell them the deputy that had been disgraced by Icestar was what I'd hoped would give us our advantage. I was met with accusations of.... Of being part of it all, the invasion. We freed her, eventually....
One of my ..... Those damnedable rats I'd thought would hold the interest of their own Clan betrayed us! Told Dawnstar....
And I was still blamed and berated for working with Beastspark. The entire way to our freedom, I was berated and called a coward and a traitor."
By now, the winds around them had picked up, a vicious swirling of frigid air assaulted the both of them, but never strong enough to do more than ruffle fur and ears. Not enough to push either cat.
"And then.... On the way to return home from it all, I'd gone ahead to prepare healing. I'd slipped, fallen, almost DIED.
I hit my head, and lost every memory of my Clan. And when I did not recover my memories, my Clanmates shunned me. There are cats still that blame me for the wounds left untreated, for the lives that couldn't be saved because they didn't care that I'd almost died myself."
Her tail lashed behind her as she stared Lightingstorm down.

"And you.... You, you, YOU have the one thing I was denied, the one thing I would have fought tooth and claw for...."
Coldamber couldn't help the sob that escaped her, the tears that sprung to her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks. She'd been trying so hard to pretend it didn't bother her, that she could live with it, that she wasn't jealous of the changing times, but that was a lie, the biggest lie she'd ever tried to tell.
She hated and envied them all for being allowed to have families, when she'd had hers ripped to pieces for the privilege of being allowed to be treated like garbage by a Clan that didn't understand at all.
"You have a mate, you are allowed children .... I gave up.... My feelings for someone I loved for almost my entire life, I gave up my love for Twilightstar, and I gave up my only surviving daughter, in the hope I could stop other parents from grieving, that I would be able to save children, and give them.... A CHANCE I NEVER HAD!"
She'd had many litters, many children, and all of them had been stolen from her, in one way or another. And it still tore her up to think about it. She still wondered if any of what she gave up was worth it.
And this .... Barely touched how much taking the position had changed her daughter, how her little Gull became hateful and resentful. How it all culminated one day, how her daughter had tried to kill her....
That she'd run away, and come back, and when Coldamber had lost her memories.... Perhaps Twilightstar knew, perhaps she hadn't, but there was nothing that would change the abuse she suffered, how her broken mind was still shaped by the hateful, scathing words that had permanently left scars on her.
"I gave up my daughter.... So no one else would have to.... I did everything in my power.... I did everything I could, and I was shown that no one cares, that no one appreciated the effort it took to still love my Clan after everything they did to me.
This choice ruined my life, and I never want it to ruin anyone else's again."
She breathed in a shaky sigh, lifted her head and looked Lightingstorm in the face, as much as she hated showing how broken she was. She hated how small, how weak she was in the end.
"I. Love. You. I love WindClan. I loved Cowtuft.
I never would have.... If I had known, I would have paid more attention. I was so sure I was right to trust him.
I trusted him to protect everything I gave my life for, everything I give my death for... You're not the only one hurt, Lightningstorm."
She sniffed, and tried to ignore the thorns that squeezed her heart. The wind began to die as anger faded to a tired acceptance.
She took a step away from a cat she wished she could have helped more before it had come to this.... This screaming match they'd just partaken in.
"I'm trying... So hard to make up for all of StarClan and the long absence they have left. I can't be everywhere at once.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.... I'm sorry that I neglected you both. But please.... Know I did my best, and what I thought was right.
I wish I had the powers you think I have. I wish I was better. I want.... To be better, for you. For the beautiful family you've been allowed to have."
Now that she wasn't angry.... As much as it still hurt, if she removed her own feelings from the picture, she should have been proud, should have been happy the new generation did not have to choose family or duty. She should be. She wished to be.
She had yet to forgive Larkfire for this disrespect of what she didn't realize she had. It would be awhile until she did.
But for Lightningstorm, she would try.

//As a note, not everything that Cold has said here is 100% as they happened, this was her perception of events, and while they are mostly accurate, there are parts tinged with the paranoia of the life she lived. This is also assumed to be pre-Fire death\\

[ @Alchemist Kitsune ]