[typing this up when it's late prolly ain't the best idea]

Beachkit nearly jumped out of his fur when his sister found him so quickly. He had hoped that running in circles would have confused her on where his scent had headed. Apparently not. She had found him, but that was it, Redkit was always smarter than he, or Strikerkit, or Sagekit. Maybe it was because she was a girl. Maybe that was it. His mother seemed so smart, maybe it was just something all girls were. He shrugged it off, and gave her a wide grin. "Haha you found me." He meowed in sarcasm. "But you'll never catch me!" He squealed. He tore off around the prey pile, darting through the legs of some warrior. He dashed around like a little tan and gray blur. His legs pumped hard, oh how he had missed running around and playing games with his siblings. He cast a glance behind him, seeing how close Redkit was when he missed his footing and went rolling. Tripping over his own large paws, he went rolling, tumbling, falling. Initially, a screech of fear escaped him, one that was high pitched and kit like that he was sure to be embarrassed by later. Then as he rolled to a stop, his belly flat against the ground, legs splayed out in four different angles, he burst into laughter. Pure laughter, which he had not had in moons. He laughed and laughed until his sides hurt. He laughed both for the fun of it and at how dumb he probably looked in just laying there. It was all the fun and enjoyment he needed.


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Tears.
That's all that came. It was the drops as they rolled down his face. He dropped to his paws, his mouth agape in horrified silence. The scent of the Savannah lingered in her pelt. The cold gaze of his yellow eyes fixated on him. The blood that stained his paws. All the blood, he didn't even know who it belonged to now. But it was all lost in the tears. The pain that racked the tom in this moment broke him. He felt like a frail snowflake that had just landed on the warm stones near the creek. Like all it would take was one touch and he would evaporate and disappear forever. It was unbearable. He thought it was bad when Onyx almost made red her and almost stole his son. No, this was worse, because in the back of his mind, that small place where you shove things when you don't want them to be true. It was only there that it echoed she wasn't coming back from this. Her head rested in his paws, and he felt it's weight against them. It was the heaviest thing that had ever been laid on him. He couldn't do it. Not now, and not ever.

Why did she have to be so brave, so loyal, so daring, so courageous, so selfless. Why couldn't she just stay safe? Why did she always have to go out and save the day? Why couldn't she just be her and not try to be the entire force of the Clan? Why couldn't she still be here. Why couldn't she just come back to save the day, save him, save him from breaking.

He didn't understand. He sat there, his self dug hole surrounding him and the dead she cats body. They were right outside the clearing now and he could hear the buzzing of life inside, but if that life was so close to him, why did he feel so dead inside. Why did he feel as if everything was lost. As if there was nothing to stay for. Why couldn't he just leave? Why couldn't he do like she had done and leave?

The memories rushed back and he remembered why.
It had been when they were out for a stroll. They were going stargazing. They were in grief together, they grieved their sons Strikerkit and Sagekit. They grieved heavily for them. It was just a normal night. But they stayed out longer than they should have, just venting to each other, telling each other their problems and worries. They always did that. They always relied on each other. It was strange, her having to rely more in him, but that was the way it happened. But how it had all taken a turn for the worse. The Savannah had sprung in secrecy. His large frame easily tackling the leaner, weaker frame of Cliffheart. As the ex-leader attacked him, Cliffheart lay in shock. He recieved the blow to the shoulder, one to his side. All the blows were aimed at him. He had only heard a few words from the tom. "This was for Onyx."
He had fought Onyx several times before and felt a strong hate towards him. He knew this cat. He had been the leader during the Evil Era. Now he was back and Cliffheart was fighting him. They scrapped, though Clifheart was wildly outmatched, but that was it. He had to protect Scorchedpetal. He had to save her. And so that's what he held onto, it's what he fought for. But he was still on the bottom, and his upwards attacks weren't dealing much force to the long legged tom. Singe was beating him rather easily. Cliffheart would be gone before long, just hopefully Scorchedpetal would be alright. But then the weight was knocked off him and he lay there in shock and pain. The blood welled off his shoulder and flank, and he lay there, staring at the stars that he was convinced would be his home in a matter of moments. He managed a look to the side, seeing a red feline battling the tom twice her size. Only faintly did he realize that the feline was his very own mate, fighting to protect him. Moments passed, and all Cliffheart could do was lay there, injured and quite helpless. He heard thuds and blows and yowls and the sound of hisses. He managed to get back up, though he was extremely shaky. He launched forwards, but a lump of fur and body landed in his way. Dread engulfed him like a flood wave. He didn't have to look down to know, he just knew. Rage, like Cliffheart had never felt before surged out of him as he attacked the Savannah with a brutal force. He managed to land several blows, enough to harm the tom cat. He fought hard, anger fueling his fire. The rage that consumed the normally calm tom was terrifying. But he fought and he fought valiantly, for the crimes that Sjnge had done to his family. With a final blow, Cliffheart managed a swipe at the former Windclan cat's eye, and seeing blood, Singe left the scene, a smirk on his face.
That was when Acliffheart settled down enoygh to see his beloved. It had been sudden, but effective. She laid at his paws, bleeding profusely. She was dying, but he oushed it away. Ebonyfrost would save her, but the smallest voice inside his head knew the truth. She was too far gone already. Cliffheart collapsed at her head, as he cradled her in his paws. Tears poured down his face, and his maw was broke open in silent cries. He couldn't hold it in, and he knew she was going away. He saw for the last time the bright yellow in her eyes, the light and radiance that had given him the hope and strength to carry on. And for the last time they seemed to be doing just that. She seemed to be giving him her strength and hope to carry on one last time, for one last moment, for this last bit. "Be there for them." Were the words that echoed from her mouth. Already they seemed so far away. Like she was already on her way to her beloved stars. And with that, the brightness from her eyes faded, and the Twin Stars were broke apart.

No more, would he look in the nursery to see her loving their kits. No more would he cuddle with her under the blanket of the skies. No more would they stand together and serve their clan.
She wouldn't be here to clean their kits up before their apprentice ceremony. She wouldn't be here to beam with pride as the kits became warriors. She wouldn't be here to see their grandkits. She wouldn't be here when Cliffheart needed her most. She wouldn't be here when they retired from being warriors and settled into the elders den. She would be there to hold the oaws of her entire family as she slipped into Starclan. She couldn't go peacefully. She had to go in blood.
It was his job now, to love the kits. It was his job to cuddle with them, and teach them about the stars. It was his job to raise them right to serve their clan. It was his job now to clean Beachkit and Redkit before their apprentice ceremonies. It was his job now to beam with pride as they received their warrior names. It was his job now to see and love his grandkits. He would be there when his loved ones needed him most. It was his job now to take care of his family, but he had always tried to do that. It's just he had failed in the moment when he was needed most.

But now he had to do the hard part. Now he had to tell the kits. His face still wet and distraught, and his physical appearance all bloodied up, torn and shredded, grief written over every inch of his body, he strode into camp. He faced it with boldness that he knew could only come from his Star. He would need it in this next few moments, days, weeks, moons, seasons, he would need it the rest of his life, because in the moment continuing alone without her seemed impossible. But just as he thought he was ready, Cliffheart saw his only living son and only daughter playing together without a care in the world. They had no idea he had stayed up all night digging a hole he never dreamed he would have to make. But the sight of the two kits who had no care in the world, it broke his heart, especially when he knew it was just about to change. The family of three now, their close knit worlds were never going to be the same again. The thought of it broke him, even more than he already was. He lurched forward in one motion, scooping Beachkit into his pass. Then the soft red furred kit that was a painful reminder of his lover. He scooped them into his embrace, and held them close, because he was afraid that if they weren't held closely enough, they too would leave him for the Stars.