his half explaination, half apology made her feel better, being understood n all that. as he suggested, minkpaw just smiled and pretended to pretend it didnt happen.
"i really hope i can" now that he said it like that she felt like this was important, even if she couldnt fight well she could still change cats' lifes and becoming like blazingstar and sharing wisdom with younger cats sounded like a very honourable thing to do.
at his question, minkpaw shook her head, blazingstar had helped her more than she had expected when first seeing him, "no i think im good. thank you"


@SuspiciousMindz

like many moons ago, almost an entire lifetime if you asked minkpaw, she found herself in her nest again, restless. only this time the ever looming threat currently asleep around her and the generalised anxiety of surrounding herself with unfamiliar cats was the reason for her struggling to fall asleep. moons ago she had layed awake purely because her mind was restless, reeling and naive. naive and stupid. a stupid child, starry eyed and too blind to see her own foolishness.
no matter the anxiety gnawing at her insides, the pure exhaustion this semi constant state of fear had caused was enough to have sleep take her, pull her through the thick cloud of fog and leave her on a almost equally foggy meadow. the grass had been lusher last time, less dull and longer, and the calming blanket of surrounding fog had been replaced by a biting cold embrace and minkpaw had to supress a shudder.
like many moons ago but still so different. this time she wasnt stumbling through her own dreamscape, calling out to no one in particular. this time she was looking for blazingstar.
they still hadnt really made up their mind why a little voice in the back of her head had been bugging her, feeding her with foggy memories and the urge to speak to him again. explain herself. beg for forgiveness? she had failed. no. fadingsun had failed. birdsnow had failed. riverclan had failed. the persistence of her own mind trying to drown out the thoughts she knew to be right, she had failed, by oversaturating her minds with hot burning hatred for riverclan, was getting disgustingly pathetic. blaming her own failure on riverclan. pathetic.
concentrate, her mothers voice echoed in her mind, pulling her out of the spiral her thoughts had threatened to go down. she had a goal, and even the knowledge that lostspark could be listening in wouldnt deter her. perhaps she could even use this to make herself appear in a better light. perhaps not being able to talk to mossfreckle without risking to blow their cover was the only negative bit. perhaps she just had to try harder.
"blazingstar?" she called out, voice determined and strong, still the same as many moons ago, apart from the fact that she wasnt scared this time. she wasnt calling out, unsure who might respond, doubting that anyone would respond at all. no. she knew it was possible. she knew how to navigate her own dreamscape and she knew how to reach the living. and if he was willing to speak to her again he would hear her call.



[ @SuspiciousMindz - blazingstar / @Rose for lostspark viewing purposes i guess :skull: ]

rook didnt doubt that blazingstar would hold his promise and return to speak to her again, he had sounded honest last time and she couldnt imagine there was a lot to do up in starclan anyway..that last part was a bit mean maybe.
"im fine but uh its rookpaw now." he had spoken in support of running away, not to another clan specifically, but he would understand right? "a lot happened. thunderclan raid, thats why i got the scars, birdsnow stepped down, you probably know all that-" she shook her head, why was she recounting this all to a spirit who had the ability to watch over them at all times. "uh whatever, i suppose, well, i suppose i took you advice. well, not advice advice but i ran away. i spoke to a kittypet recently, ended up in his dream by accident, n i thought about looking for him but i couldnt." and he also probably wouldnt have wanted her there anyway. "'dont think i could leave clan live behind, i met a cat a few moons back, shadowclan medicine cat, thought this might be my best choice and thats pretty much where i am now. got apprenticed under lostspark n all-" she continued to ramble, she couldve said all that with more controlled ease if she had prepared, but she hadnt prepared, stars she didnt even entirely decide on why she wanted to speak to him again. "honestly i dont entirely know why i called out to you again..it just felt like i had to"