High Rank Announcement [#hrannouncement]
The anger was expected. Blatant dislike, distrust, expected as well. Cats demanding for her resignation... that was... not what she had thought cats would turn to as the solution. But a small part of her, that annoyingly logical and sometimes wimpy and pathetic part of her piped up, telling her it was for the best. It was, wasn't it? If she stepped down and gave the crown of ThunderClan to Dogbark, would all the problems be solved and everyone would go on their happy merry way? No, they wouldn't. If she stepped down, Dogbark would simply be the next target for critique. No matter what, the leader of the Clan, even if the deputy had failed equally or somewhat, would always be the punching bag for everyone. Clanmates. Other Clans. The leader was the head of a Clan, and therefore anything that isn't well within the Clan would be pinned on the leader.
It was sad, really. Because everything these cats said (with the exception of a few who were just looking for chaos) was true. She had failed. Failed as leader, failed as a warrior, failed as a sister, a friend, a mentor, an apprentice. As a daughter. Her life's foundation, it was built on her own downfalls. Her mother unofficially disowning her. Her mentor giving all they could to help her succeed and it turned out that she was still an awful excuse for a cat. Her multiple apprentices, all gone or dead. Her friends, she had drifted away from them. Her littermates, she had failed Marshkit and Beekit but also Amberflight and Acornpatch. She had fought many battles but still cats died because she wasn't good enough. And now this, her Clan turning on her, because she, again, had screwed everything up. And there, sitting on the branch of the Thunderwillow, Aspenstar began to drown in pity for herself. She couldn't help it, the natural reaction to hate and hurt was to just do nothing and feel bad for yourself. And that's what she was tempted to do. She could just run into her den and try to forget her problems. She could, better yet, just give in and allow Dogbark to become leader. But anything she did, someone was going to be angry about it. Life was a fickle thing. Leadership was a fickle thing. So what was she supposed to do now? Her eyes were drawn to her den's entrance. Dark and safe and comforting. Why wouldn't she want to hurl herself into her nest and forget it all? Because that's what she had done in the past, and it worked out swell in the end, didn't it?
As Dogbark and and Scorchfrost and Nectarflame and Cindersky and Sundust and Cornpaw and Buckbranch and everyone all spoke up, each word striking blows harder than Goosefury's claws had, the first instinct the ThunderClan leader had was to deflect. Deflect, deflect. Don't admit it, don't say that you've failed. Her mind conjured up rebuttals and retorts and ways to block of their words, but then... then something seemed to click inside her. She froze in place, sitting stiffly upon the Thunderwillow with a distraught expression upon her face.
She had sat in her den a lot. Letting time pass her by when she could have been talking with her Clanmates Rooting out infiltrators and kicking them out or talking to them, when she could have been patrolling the borders or hunting. She had done nothing. Nothing to help this Clan except for Clan meetings and the treaty with RiverClan, along with the occasional chat with her Clanmates, she had done absolutely nothing. The chilling, horrifying realization hit her like a tidal wave, and her posture slumped slightly with the weight of her failures. Failure, she had been using that word a lot lately. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words, the accusation, everything just flooded in. Everyone was yowling, arguing for her, against her, and then the worse came, from so many mouths but formed to one echoing in her ear.
''Step. Down.''
Her breathing came all ragged and shaky and her eyes filled with emotions that she had only felt two other times in her life, but these were so much stronger. How was she supposed to fix this?! The trust these cats had in her had probably fizzled out completely. She hadn't wanted this to happen. She wanted to bring back the glory days of her Clan, instead she was just about as use as Eveningstar was when he was dead. She might as well be dead, and nothing would change around here because she did nothing. Now, she realized how generic her apology was. How many leaders had used it before her? Enough that the words were easily brushed off as another promise void of meaning and just full of crap.
Her eyes found Dogbark, and she couldn't help it. She absolutely felt fear. What were his motives? He sounded like he and Nectarflame were now best buddies, so long as she said what he needed to hear. Right? His tough love speech had struck her hard, and she felt anger and pain and sadness and regret all at the same tie. It felt like he had betrayed her.He hadn't, he just wanted what was best, but he hadn't done much more, hadn't he? The patrols weren't her job. And yet NO ONE wanted to bring that up?! Again. She was blaming others. She was deflecting, pushing the blame onto someone else, because she was to blind to see it herself. Yeah, she was pissed off at him. She was pissed off at Nectarflame. And everyone who spoke out against her, but why? Because they were right about her. She hated them with a fire of passion that quickly dwindled. They were correct, and now she was going to pay dearly for what she had done. Or hadn't done, really.
Unless she did something about it.
Easily pulling her gaze away from her den, she looked down at the cats. She wasn't going to step down. No, she was going to fight for this. Taking a deep breath, she erased all of the rehearsed lines she had gone over a thousand times the night before. Just... she had to just speak from her heart. Cheesy, but it was the one way she knew she could do. ''You're all right. I have failed. I haven't been active as I should. I haven't been noticing the missing cats. I haven't done the things that a good leader should. I messed up, I really did. Everyone who spoke for me.... you're appreciated, but I don't deserve your support in this. I brought this upon myself, and now I will pay the price that comes with my own ignorance. Those who spoke out against me, you're also appreciated. If it wasn't for any of you, I probably would be doing the exact same thing I have been doing for a while; nothing. I was stupid, I was irresponsible and for that... I'm so, incredibly sorry. I know that so many of you want me to step down, but... but I can't. I won't. I may have failed, but I'm not giving up. Failure does not mean defeat. It means I know what I did wrong, and now I am going to right it.''
Her eyes were clear but full as she gazed at the gathered, bickering cats. This is what she had did. These cats wouldn't suffer again because of her. ''One moon. I will take one moon to be better, and if I'm not a better leader, if I haven't patrolled or interacted with my Clanmates or dealt with missing cats who just show up or done the things I should by the time the one moon is up, I will step down and allow Dogbark to...'' Her voice broke, and she drew in a shuttering breath. ''... I will step down.'' The enormity of her promise felt like it crushed her. Her nostrils flared, and she shuffled her paws again. It would be hard. Challenging. Her dumb heart had made a promise that she could not easily keep. She could do it. It would be simple. Not really simple, but there was a lot to do. It was possible. She would patrol, she would hold an event that had not even the slightest trace of giving anyone the chance to thank her, and she would talk to her Clanmates. She would take it upon herself to always, always speak to missing cats. She would... yes, the apprentice ceremonies.
She then paused. She wouldn't be begging for approval nor forgiveness from her Clanmates, but hopefully this would show them that she was actually prepared to change for the better. That she was able to be a great leader and help ThunderClan. The first thing she could do right now was deal with the loud and very disrespectful apprentice. Aspenstar met Slatepaw's eyes once again, and gave the disrespectful cat a frown and a head shake. ''Slatepaw, you have no right at all to speak like that.'' She said coldly, twitching her whiskers. Then, the apprentice seemed to reveal what very well may be the reason as to why she hated her leader, and the molly ducked her head, frown lightening into a apologetic and tired grimace. ''I apologize for my mistake, Slatepaw. I merely misspoke, and I am sorry about the distress you have experienced as a result of my foolish error. You are Slatepaw, not Thunderpaw, Slatepaw.
Now, Slatepaw, after the meeting I would like you to promptly meet me in my den. If you don't show, then you'll be escorted off ThunderClan land until you are ready to talk. Considering your outrageous behavior, this will be your final warning. If you don't shape up, it may temporarily jeopardize your place here in the Clan.'' Hopefully the apprentice realized how hard Aspenstar was trying to make peace. It might not be the best, but she was quickly being drained of her apology and softness skills.
Finally, she turned to look at Maplewhisker, who´s support was appreciated but the aggression was... not. ¨Maplewhisker... I appreciate it, but I don´t need to be defended. I know I´ve done wrong. Please refrain from being aggressive towards your Clanmates, it´s not worth jeopardizing your status in the Clan for.¨
At last feeling at least somewhat satisfied with the conclusion that had been drawn, the maple-furred molly settled down, preparing for more dislike and distrust to come at her. At this point in time, right now, her words would be all. Until the apprentice ceremonies took place and if a sign would come before the meeting ended, signifying the new medicine cat, she could do nothing but make promises. Maybe after the meeting, she would take a patrol out. Well, after her chat with Slatepaw, should the gray molly decide to actually show up (which, with that attitude, was doubtful).
Over her 9 times dead body would she allow herself to fail this Clan so severely ever again.
(just a quick note that since there was a lot of posts to reply to, most of which were kind of similar with the questions and everything, I just had Aspen answer everyone in one go just to save what's left of my sanity ^^)
