[WinterMara]

| Softpaw of Thunderclan |

Softpaw looked around as cats began to leave the meeting, one by one, Dogbark, Cindersky, Cornpaw, Wildspark, Ivypaw, they all had left. Part of her wanted to scream, at Silverpelt and at herself. She noticed Cinderpaw, she wanted to go over to comfort her fellow apprentice, but something stopped her, the fear of messing up. What if she just made things worse like she always had, what if that would happen?

A voice rang through her head, maybe her own, she wasn’t, entirely sure to be honest, but one thing she did know was that it was telling her to not even bother trying. She wanted to help, someone, Cinderpaw or Cindersky, Cornpaw, Wildspark, but she couldn’t, she’d probably just make it worse for all of them. This was the first time since she’d gotten to know Bluepaw that she let herself get close to another cat, and it was multiple, and she felt as if she failed them all at these past meetings.

Her lovely little imagination was at it again, not death thoughts but, ones of cats yelling at her, fun. The molly just, headed back to the apprentices den, trying to get her imagination to cut it out, but it just continued, honestly, it was hard to say if she even had control over her own mind anymore, everything was like impulse. As she laid on her moss bed to go to sleep, she looked at her shell, and once again, she felt like crying and screaming, there was one cat who she failed and, honestly, regreted the most.

Bluepaw

That name was stuck in her head and, honestly her heart too at this point, and she couldn’t get it out either. She shouldn’t have lashed out at him, she shouldn’t have pushed him away, she shouldn’t have been so stupid and mousebrained. He was the only cat in her life who had stuck around, even Aspenpaw had left, she knew her brother never meant it, but he left too, so Bluepaw was truly the only cat who stuck around, and she shunned him.

You messed up

You messed up

You messed up

Softpaw wrapped herself around the shell in a more, defensive way, somehow, in some way, she found out how to mess up at everything social ever. She called Cindersky her mom, she didn’t show enough appreciation for Wildspark, she didn’t even really adknowledge her friends, while she knew her refusal to be close to others was a big culprit. . .she also didn’t feel as if she had a choice, because she had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, instead of her closed off insecurities, it was just, her stupidity, and, she went to sleep with that thought.

Stupid asshole.

| Softpaw has left the meeting!