[taillow]

Fawnpaw
As the cheering and chanting died down, Fawnpaw was left without a distraction and instead a rather sour loop of thoughts. Anxiety tickled her paw pads as she returned her gaze to Snowleap, who moved on to the reintroduction of two apprentices. Mistypaw, who had died in the battle against ThunderClan when Fawnpaw was just a kit - and Birdpaw. Beloved daughter. She couldn't help but grow her eyes wide as she looked over towards the she-cat. So that was his daughter?? A smile drew upon her face, glad that he had his daughter back. And the words he spoke...

They were happy words, they were. But something... cracked inside of her. Some unknown piece that she hadn't even begun to understand until now, the light she had seen Snowleap in... it had been family. And now, hearing him speak such kind and soft words to a cat who was actually his family felt... well, Fawnpaw wasn't sure. A bitter taste rose in her throat as she thought of her own father. Never present in her life - stars, she didn't even know his name. Not once had Daystripe mentioned it, and not once despite all the times she had wished for it had he come crashing through the camp entrance to wrap her in a hug. There were no soft and kind words spoken to her, no uplifting support. Just a vast nothingness filled with nothing but dreams that would be left unrealized.

With the times that she had interacted with the tall deputy-turned-leader, Fawnpaw had always pictured that her father was much like Snowleap, and even in some instances when she was really lonely she would just pretend... that he was. He was nice, and kind. And he gave really good hugs - ones that could wipe away whatever bad she was feeling in the moment. When he had come across her collecting flowers, Fawnpaw had kept a note that blue ones were his favorite, and she had planned to fill his den with them as a thank you, and maybe work up the courage to confess how he felt like a father to her.

...But he had a family of his own, a daughter of his own. He had Birdpaw, and Risingpaw, and Lynxfall, and Bluepaw, and Shadepaw. It was difficult, watching in her mind as the hope and light she'd first seen him in shatter into a million jagged pieces. Of course he was still her leader and Clanmate, and she cared for him a great deal, but she would be lying if she tried to say it wasn't difficult. First to have her actual father not even bother to be in her life, and then it was realizing that the one she had started to see as that figure... already had a daughter. Claws that were sharp as thorns pierced her heart and she had to force herself to not flinch. To not give into the pain that engulfed her chest in flames.

It felt unfair, but Fawnpaw knew better than to speak any of these thought out loud. The small dose of fear and insecurity lasted second on her expression before she shoved it down with all of the other overwhelming emotions.

Just as soon as the announcement about the returning two apprentices - with Mistypaw getting a new name that Fawnpaw made a note to remember - Snowleap was moving on. She still felt as though there was cotton fluff in her ears, and it was difficult but not impossible to keep the tears at bay. He was talking now about heading out to the Starcave, and the young medicine cat took a steady breath. So it would just be them after all. He spoke of keeping her safe, and having faith in her, and she wanted so badly to smile at him. She wanted to let him know that she appreciated his words, but stars she was still trying to get control of her mind. No, no, no. No. He had his own family. Soon enough, she would have duties of her own. She would need to be there for her Clan, and learn to set aside her own personal demons no matter how much they clawed at her.

Finally, as Snowleap jumped down from the Streamstone and strode over to her asking if she were ready to go, she had managed to muster up enough strength to give him a smile that he hopefully wouldn't see through. "Yes, Mr. Snowleap." But... that would mean leaving behind Beansprout. Turning to look at the tom, she reached out to touch her nose to his. "I'll be back soon, okay Mr. Beansprout? I promise." She didn't want to leave him alone... but she knew she had to walk with Snowleap to the Starcave not only for his leader ceremony but also to meet StarClan as a medicine cat.

Turning back to Snowleap, she gave another nod. "I'm ready to go."

[ @zenosaurus - Don't mind the Fawnpaw angst I've been patiently waiting for this moment hehehe @maelstrom - For the last fawnbean moment for now ]