[taillow]

Fawnpaw
Why did she feel so nervous about this? Probably because this was the third time she was approaching a High Rank to let them know that she had failed - again. Fawnpaw felt utterly lost and hopeless. And angry. It was unnatural, and it scraped against her chest like the talons of an unforgiving hawk. Raw and excruciating, ripping her open and exposing how rotten inside she knew she was. Rogues had attacked camp. They had killed innocent kits. Claws had struck her Clanmates. Even as the freshly healing wounds on her back made her wince as she padded into her older brother's den, Fawnpaw couldn't bring herself to feel anything but a severe self-hatred.

Maybe she didn't have to do this. Pikestar had surely already heard, and - against any logical conclusions that others would perhaps draw - was already planning to demote her. It made sense. Why have a medicine cat who couldn't heal? Who froze at the sight of lifeless bodies? Fawnpaw recalled the way she had just locked up, eyes wide as the bodies of two kits lay in the clearing, and how... how defenseless she had been (and how a part of her secretly wished that Cloverpaw's claws had sunk in just a little bit deeper to truly hit their mark).

RiverClan didn't deserve a medicine cat who had to fight to control the tremors of anxiety. They didn't deserve a medicine cat who felt her throat tighten and her chest constrict and felt this horrible about herself. Was confidence something that came with age? It was an easy answer, considering apprentices she knew in RiverClan were braver than her. Hell, both Birdpaw and Stormpaw had died and come back and were stronger than Fawnpaw knew she would ever be.

"Pikestar..." Finally gathering up the courage to lift her head, Fawnpaw had it all planned. How she would resign. How she would tell Pikestar that she felt as though - no, how she knew - that her home deserved better. It all flew out the window as she laid eyes upon her brother. Tired, worn-down, thoughts on a loop. She had seen the look upon him before, and it was easy enough to distinguish (and how sad it was that she was willing to squeeze him up in a hug tight until he felt better but couldn't bring herself to do the same for her).

In an instant all of her worries and self-hatred was suppressed as she rushed forward. Concern took over and turned her movements on autopilot, as if recalling actions through muscle memory. "Hey, don't think that." She didn't need words to explain as she rushed forward to crouch down and stretch her paws forward on both sides of him (all while she tried to stifle a squeak of pain as her wound stretched under the placed cobwebs). "I know that look. You're a good leader. You are. Good, kind, selfless. I - We - If this is about what happened in the clearing, I... I should've been able to handle it, and I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't. But please... don't think any of this is your fault." Being on the ground in front of him, Fawnpaw blinked open her blue eyes, and using her paws aimed to try to lift Pikestar's own paws off his face.

[ @thepirateking - I apologize for how this sort of turned into a mini vent and then finally got to the promised sibling hugs, but... well you know the kind of day I've had. Again I'm sorry. ♡ ]