TW: Internalized ableism
~ TWISTEDKIT OF WINDCLAN ~
The warm smile offered by Fireflame made Twistedkit feel a little better. It made her feel encouraged, welcomed.
Loved. Despite her sadness, fear, and the rest of her emotional turmoil, the black she-kit felt a flicker of warmth extend through the darkness and ignite her heart. Fireflame loved her so much. Willowsky had never smiled at her like that.
That's because she hates me. I hurt her. I hurt my whole family. Twistedkit loved her mother no matter what, but there was a definite difference between the two queens who had raised her. Twistedkit found herself craving that warmth even more - not just from Fireflame, but from Willowsky and anyone else who might love her. But as she watched the smile die from Fireflame's face to be replaced by a shocked, wide-eyed expression, Twistedkit was reminded of why she could never have it. She was bad. Naughty. Vile. A murderer. Weird. Different. Odd-looking. The emptiness opened within her once more, but it was accompanied by endless pain, and the warmth that had appeared with the smile was vanquished as soon as the queen's face changed.
Twistedkit's paws, round despite her jutting ribs and stick-thin legs, trembled with fear after she told Fireflame everything. What would her foster mother say, do, or think?
Surely she hates me. Tears pricked the corners of her mismatched eyes.
I don't want her to hate me. But she had to explain why she was hiding. She had to make Fireflame understand that she could never be near anyone again.
Will she hurt me? Nip me like Mother does... did... when I was naughty? Twistedkit must be the naughtiest, ugliest kit the lilac she-cat had ever laid eyes on.
Will she tell Twilightstar and have me thrown out of the Clan? The thought was even more terrifying, and the stench of fear rolled off of the black she-kit in waves.
Please don't hurt me. I don't wanna be kicked out. I'll be good, I promise. I'll stay away from everyone until I'm safe.
She never got a chance to speak these excuses because Fireflame's voice stopped her. Twistedkit hadn't even realized she'd squeezed her eyes shut in preparation for whatever the black-patched queen would do, but now she opened them slowly, tentatively. And... Fireflame's voice and eyes were so
soft. So
gentle. How was she so calm?
I just told her how horrible I am. She should hate me. She should want me gone. Yet that didn't seem to be the case. Confusion and conflicting emotions raged within Twistedkit's too-small body as she gazed up at Fireflame. Her foster mother was different from Willowsky in so many ways. One was overflowing with love that she distributed to her kits, even the ones who were not her own, even the naughty murderers. The other was filled with spite and hate. Despite this, Twistedkit loved them both... and as much as she loved Fireflame, she knew Willowsky was right and she didn't deserve any of this.
Don't be hard on yourself. Willowsky may think you're bad, but to me, you're my brave little warrior who is still learning. Twistedkit's heart twanged painfully, and an emotion she couldn't describe rose within her and clogged her throat. She felt choked. The feeling grew stronger as Fireflame kept speaking, and Twistedkit couldn't help more tears welling in her round eyes. The warmth returned in a different way as she figured it out. It was
love. The effect of a true mother's love. The kind everyone talked about and said was right. Willowsky had never loved Twistedkit. Twistedkit had known it to be true for so long, but now the fact was sharper and more painful than ever, stabbing through her chest until she found it difficult to breathe. Twistedkit didn't want to leave Fireflame. She wanted Fireflame as a mother, as a cat who could raise her until she was safe again. But... but...
Willowsky didn't love her for a reason. Twistedkit was bad for a reason. It should be Willowsky saying these words to her... right? An image flashed in her mind, of her and her mother playing together in the nursery. Everything was so vivid: Willowsky's short, silky black fur splashed with gray, her blue eyes shining. Silverkit was there, too: Twistedkit had never seen him before, but she'd been told he looked a lot like her father, and although she hadn't seen Palecloud, either, she'd heard enough about what he looked like. Mottled light gray, his pelt various different shades, just like the clouds in the sky. His eyes were green, too. And speaking of Palecloud... he was there! Walking into the nursery, smiling at his kits. In the vision, Twistedkit laughed, and she immediately noticed a difference: her jaw wasn't crooked. She waved her tail and found that she could move it without limitation; it wasn't mangled or broken in any way. And her vision was fuller! She could see out of both eyes. She was perfect. Normal.
Then everything came back.
Twistedkit had known, but she was reminded again. The vision faded to be replaced with Fireflame's loving patched face and warm brown eyes, but now she didn't feel loved. She felt sad and immensely guilty. If she hadn't been born all wrong, all weird and ugly and bad, everything would be alright. Palecloud and Silverkit would be here. Willowsky would be happy.
Willowsky would love me. Pain stabbed through the she-kit, and she took a few steps back. The tears had been sucked back into her eyes, but she felt their burn as they tried pushing out again.
I'm bad. I'm naughty. I'm a murderer. "I-I'm sorry, Fireflame. I-I love y-you. But I d-don't wanna hurt anybody. I-I'm bad. I'm w-wrong. I wish I c-could make you happy. B-but I c-can't. I have to b-be alone. I c-can't be with anyone. Wh-when I'm an apprentice, things w-will be better." They had to be. Not that that would stop Twistedkit from being ugly and horrible, but at least she wouldn't curse anyone... right?
Feeling her heart break, the malnourished WindClan kit turned away from Fireflame and padded back to her dark, shadowy corner. Her stomach growled in protest; she was quite literally starving. But Twistedkit ignored it and curled up in her messy, dirty nest and closed her eyes. She shook all over, and her heart felt like it was breaking, but she tried to shove it aside.
I love Fireflame. I'll be nice to her. I won't hurt her. I just have to stay away. Yet she craved to be curled up against the queen's warm, patched fur with Brightkit by her side, feeling safe and comfortable and protected, her stomach full.
That can't happen. Not now. I have to wait. I have to wait...
I hope Fireflame knows how much I love her.
@
Little Dakota