"And how is that? How are they l-looking out for us? What do we owe to them for doing nothing except ref-refusing to see that they had a part in all of this too?!" She hissed, pelt beginning to bristle - though despite the fight in her words, she stayed locked to her spot. She held no anger for the leader, but rather for the stars that put her in this position. Cinderpaw was prepared to continue the argument, until...
The apprentice could feel herself clam up at the mention of Cindersky reached her ears.
"How dare you...!" Okay, NOW there was a little anger. She should have imagine this would be brought up. She shifted uncomfortably in her spot, avoiding the leader's eye contact all of a sudden. She wasn't supposed to be angry, she was supposed to be grateful, because everyone else saw this as an inexplicable gift. It was another chance at life, they would tell her, what else was it other than a gift?
Cinderpaw didn't know what.
"... Y'think I a-asked for this? Do you think it feels good standing here kn-knowing that no matter what I do it will never be e-enough to stop the stars practically reaching down and stealing our kittens from the the nursery?" The apprentice rasped, focusing on the much more interesting scenery past the den's exit.
"Of course I feel indebted. Of course I do-don't wanna just dismiss her. She could have given this to a million other cats, she could have taken this herself, and now I'm here to be told she didn't. And I mean this, like, sincerely --"
She paused, staring down at her pale grey paws. The she-cat suddenly felt little,
too little. Like she had been as she watched the former leader pad away and leave her to a life anew.
"I'm sorry I'm not her."
Despite her suddenly gentle tone, the apprentice was still angry deep down. Part of Cinderpaw figured it was time she get back on track
"Me b-being here-- it feels like a patch job. A punishment. For so, so ma-many reasons. I'm pissed at them, but not at her, and I have no reason why, Sparrowstar. An-and I still see no reason for them to judge us as worthy when they don't do a thing as we suffer. There's no be-benefits from following thecode, since Shadowclan doesn't seem to listen to a word of it and does just fine. I have never seen someone I care about die outside of our camp - aren't we supposed to be safe here? If be-believing in Starclan is what makes us a clan, then what the hell are the weasels still doing here?!"
All of a sudden, she found herself fired up again.
"I'll watch my words. Won't even refer to her at the gatherings. B-b-but I want you to think on this, and prove me the hell wrong. When has believing in Starclan helped Thunderclan? Was it when they sent a million false prophets? Was it when they apointed Shadowclan's leader as a cat who ap-apparently can't even take a little squirrel callin' her the wrong name? What has it done for me?"
Quietly, the agouti apprentice turned away, and shrunk back towards the entrance.
"I wish it was all easier. But praying to those who ignore us won't make it that way."
At that, she slipped out of the leader's den. Cinderpaw had fought far too many pointless battles to ignore another one that they were going to lose.
[ @
Jayvines ]