[poppy]

Dovefluff

Staring at the body of her last remaining kit, the young queen felt a hollowness in her that was frightening. A chunk taken out of her heart, her life. What was she supposed to do now? Where did she even begin picking up the pieces? She had given birth to the kits days before the sinkhole, and had just recently stopped producing milk. Did she go back to the nursery? Did she start being a warrior, and learn the ways of this new forest immediately? How could she stop being a mother? Her whole life revolved around the honor of motherhood, and now... now what? When she saw Hawkbite at the gathering and he asked her how many kits she had, what did she say? Was she obligated to say she wasn't a mother anymore? That she was a mother of three? But she couldn't stop, because she knew she'd never be anything shorter than a mother of four kits.

The dream of watching her kits become apprentice and flourish in the "safe" new Clan she had fled to 5 moons ago was shriveled and dead, as well as the dream of bringing her family here for a safe new beginning. And now, look at her. Alienated and falling to pieces in front of her adopted Clan. God, she was a mess. This life was a mess. What was the point of fleeing Darklight to keep the kittens safe if three-fourths of them would be out there, unsafe. He didn't want to harm them like he did to her, she knew, he just wanted to have them to himself. Keep them and never let her see them. Perhaps this was her punishment for thinking she'd be able to start a new life somewhere else.

Staring at the limp body of Echokit, her legs still failing to hold her up, she heard multiple cats bombard Cracklepaw with threats and anger, the Russian Blue longhair moggie was silent, through it. Casting a hollow, grateful glance to Springpaw, Burntpaw and Crowpaw, then unable to look up from staring in shock and unbearable sadness at her daughter even as as Burntpaw nuzzled her and murmured condolences, she felt her stomach churn with nausea from the shock of it all. "Thank you, Crowpaw." She whispered. He wasn't going to try and make her talk, he wasn't going to pressure her. She made a mental note, through the grief-filled haze, to check in on him and thank him later.

Later. When her baby was buried and she was left groping in the darkness of life, searching for her kittens but never finding them. Her chest tightened with another hopeless sob, and she barely heard Houndchaser's words, nodding a lurching shake of her head in response miserably, still unable to look away for much longer than a few moments. Confusion pierced through the haze as the warrior then took Crowpaw and Burntpaw to the leader's den, and reprimanding Springpaw. Did they even have the authority to do that? The weight on her chest was too heavy to speak, and she would have to go to speak to... someone about standing up for the three innocent apprentices. Later.

Dovefluff didn't even bother to wipe her tearstained face as Nightgaze tried some comforting words of her own, the weight growing heavier still. She didn't want her kit to have to be remembered, she wanted her daughter here with her, making friends and growing up... not this. Not the 'we'll always remember her' promises, then forgetting her right after. It was a nice sentiment, but she knew how this process was. She had lived it. Her father's promise to remember her mother had been rendered a lie, no one in her family spoke her moms name after the funeral.

The grieving young mother was then approached by an unfamiliar molly with an odd scent, and her paws reached out for Echokit once more, out of reflex. Pain filled lapis colored eyes still wouldn't tear away from her kit, like if she kept looking maybe she would catch movement that would tell her that the death was a lie and her daughter was alive. "My daughter." She croaked, clamping her mouth shut to keep from wailing aloud once more. Frogpaw. New cat, maybe? She didn't have many stories. She only had her daughter for a short while, a few days before the sinkhole. And the stories she did have, watching all four kits roll around together and play and have their first steps... the molly's face contorted into a wince, as if remembering anything right now brought her immense physical pain, a weepy breath escaping her as Cracklepaw started screaming out horrific threats, and the pain and weight in her chest grew.

The last time the Clan would see her daughter and this was happening. The weight grew, it felt like there was a boulder planted on her chest, and any attempts to stand were smothered by her legs shaking too hard to support her. Burntpaw approached her, and all she could do was choke out the words, "Its okay." Her words sounding even more strangled and heartbroken as she tried to focus on her kit, tuning out Cracklepaw's screams, no matter how horrified they made her. Looking up, she saw young Pebblepaw paying her respects to Echokit, and the broken mother nodded to the apprentice in appreciation, before turning as Drizzlecloud spoke to her, also asking for stories. It would help, right? Then why did saying more than four words make her want to fall to pieces? "Thank you." She whispered as the other molly conceded that it was okay for her to take time. Stars, she needed time. The memories were flashing in her head, the what-ifs, and they added to the pressure in her chest.

Turning to Leafkit as the young child spoke, her mouth curved upwards in a forced, rueful fashion. "I suppose I could." She didn't say it, but it wasn't the same as having her daughter here with her. Sinking into the sadness, the building pressure of it all and Cracklepaw's words and the absence of Morningcall and the uncertainty of everything and trumping it all, the loss of her daughter was drowning her, and she felt the grief and immense heartache filling her, like a balloon about to explode. Before she could try to come up with anything to quell the pain, she was made aware of a tall figure above her. The scent reminded her vaguely of her best friend, Morningcall, which while she knew this wasn't her, the scent brought the tiniest dash of comfort.

The slightly familiar Lioncrest crouched at her side, like the golden sun eclipsing the silvery moon, and Dovefluff didn't know what compelled her to do what she did next, she was clearly not in her right state of mind because typically she'd be horrified to be this close to a male that she didn't know or trust, but something about his kind words or his scent that was similar to Morningcall's had the weight collapsing in her chest, and she folded into him, letting out an agonized, distressed sound as she crumpled into the slightly larger warrior. "It hurts." She sobbed, whatever composure she had left shattering into shards as the grieving mother wept. "She's gone, they're all gone." If she was a better mother, this wouldn't have happened. If the kittens hadn't been cursed to be her offspring, then they would be living fruitful, long lives. Her whole life all she had wanted was to be a mother, to raise them with someone who she loved and who loved her, and that came true as an evil doppelganger of her childhood dreams.

She was given kits by the cruel tom who still terrorized her to this day, she was given an opportunity to give them good lives and she had failed. She had tried so hard, then she failed. She lost all her babies, he was still out there, half this Clan had thought she was a murderer, and now she didn't know where Morningcall was. Was Morningcall okay? Her mind was thinking of so many things, and her head and stomach hurt from the deep sobs that still rippled through her body like a spasm, and she didn't know what the future held.

[ @SpiritedWarrior @Leafí @Dabi @Solar @ares @Loveless.Fawn @Poprock @Omari @Jayvines @Leafie @The Doctor - ok ok if i missed anyone pls pls lmk, this is just everyone who's mentioned me/interacted with Dove since my last post with her this morning so just mentioning everyone she's responding to. side note, sorry about the chaotic dove post, I blame climate change for the messy last half of my post ]