[carmen]

foxflurry

What? Before she hurt someone? She wasn't an idiot, she only threw the pebble at someone who could take it, Foxflurry wasn't going to chuck it at an apprentice, duh. Stop before you hurt someone. They could take it, if they didn't, they were just a flop. Great job, Bumblestar, ruin the fun. With a joking glare from Mudhound, she stuck out her tongue in response. She hated being the cause of a buzzkill, but luckily enough Mudhound was clever enough to continue. Still, how had Bumblestar seen? She'd been far away and the pebble was small and fast-moving. Other than the reactions of others, it shouldn't have been noticed unless she had specifically been looking for it.

Her mood dipped further as Bumblestar's intelligence dropped again. "What the hell?" She bit down hard as she remembered Lambpaw who was still beside her. Spoken words as she looked around in shock. Sparrowstar hadn't done much, she had kept them together and that was good enough, but this just wasn't right. The caretaker role had been good. Cats were too busy hunting or patrolling or eating or sleeping or training to work on keeping the dens together or the clearing clear, it had been good because it didn't take away time from what was necessary and meant that there didn't need to be any renovations or large scale groups working on this. There was proof that the system works, proof that since the existence of the caretaker role, there hadn't been need for another event like the one led by Thrushfur.

The last ounce of respect dripped down the drain with her next words. "Are you crazy?" She was crazy. Starclan knew she was crazy. They had hoped she would be the next Cindersky, but all Bumblestar was was another Dawn. No, she wasn't even Dawn. Dawn had been like that, forever, for her they were used to it, but Bumblestar? She had changed from fun and exciting and someone Foxflurry would have died for to another deadbeat leader. No, she wasn't a deadbeat leader, this was worse. Separate Blazepaw from his family, from his home, his clan, the cats he grew up around, the scents he knew, his friends. He had survived for eleven moons, battles had been fought and he had lived, and all of the sudden, the entire point of a clan was worthless.

Clans were supposed to protect their weakest members. That's why they existed. Not because everyone contributed, but because they were family, because they were different than rogues. Her breath came in gasps and her throat constricted. What if she got hurt, what if something happened and all of the sudden, she was without a home, having to deal with Twolegs, where all they did is slaughter and steal. What if Pebs got hurt. Stars. What if Pebs got hit by a monster, or Wolfie got his leg mangled. What would happen if coyotes tore up Golden and Hazel to the point of blind and deaf.

Would she lose her family again?

 

Would she lose them just like she lost Cinderpaw? Like she lost Whitewolf and Brightpath and Cindersky and Dawnpaw and Autumnpaw and Galepaw? Would this new little guy go too? Would he get hurt and kicked out? She wasn't confident in the survival of one who had lived for nearly a year, wasn't confident in her own ability to protect her clan. She bent her head down, heaving as she tried to keep her breaths from getting too loud, eyes shut tightly as she panted. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

She kept counting. As voices were raised. She didn't notice what was said. She was just trying not to fall apart. She couldn't breathe.

Pick yourself up, Fox. She could hear the voices in her head yelling at her to look up, and slowly, she did. Her heart was still pounding, and her eyes were still wide and panicked, but she swallowed back the sobs as her siblings were called forward. She wasn't better, she wouldn't be better so long as Bumblebreak was leader, but she'd hide it for now. She'd hide it because her voice would be stamped out and she would be hated and she didn't want to ruin her siblings big day.

"Goldenhawk! Pebbleshine! Wolfmist! Hazelflash!" She cheered their names with that fake smile she'd gotten so good at summoning plastered to her face. "I'm proud of you guys!" The little idiots. She'd be happy for them, yeah, she'd be happy for them. Once again everything was falling apart around her, but this time she could focus on them. The light in the darkness.