[iliri]

Springpaw
long-furred, oriental-shaped, gray-and-orange calico molly with blue eyes; torn right ear
purrks: herbal knowledge - tier 2 | the collector | mind reader | skip the steps[all perm. active; sts for battle training]

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Willow’s Rise. If Springpaw remembered clearly, that was ThunderClan’s memorial site from the fire. She hadn’t visited the place for a good portion of time, the only time being when Drizzlecloud had decided to show her the place a little bit after she had gained this insufferable injury. Just the slightest thought about it made the young medic internally wince, hoping to get the thought off her mind. To be fair, she had a lot of mixed thoughts rummaging through her overworked mind. It had been doing nothing but consistently bug her throughout the seemingly endless days and nights. Hell, it even caused her to cast in a spectacle of insomnia to add to the mix. It blatantly explained the utter exhaustion that she was holding turmoil for, including why she had been utterly restless for the past few days. Did her thoughts contain anything about the recent events that had happened in the clearing with Mapleface and Violetfreckle? Most definitely, Did they contain her worries about the well-being of the clan and about her eventually upholding the title of ThunderClan’s future medicine cat? Again, most definitely so.

Nonetheless, Lioncrest’s offer still hung in the air like a thick fog and Springpaw had the choice to either accept it or decline it. The answer alone was already obvious to her, as she had already decided to agree to accompany the warrior on his patrol. However, even with her acceptance to accompany him still done and over with, why did he ask her of all cats to join him on patrol? Of course, the young calico knew that she needed something like this to help ease the troubling burdens of recent events that kept lurking in the very crevices of her mind. But it was both quite puzzling and suspicious to know that the golden-furred feline was persistent in coming along over towards the medicine den and asking if the medic herself would be honored to accompany him for a patrol. Was it just for the fact that she was the daughter of his mate? Maybe, but that still didn’t completely justify why he wanted her of all intents and purposes to come along with him to go to Willow’s Rise.

She may find out on their stroll to the peaceful gravesite she supposed, as the tom-cat was already beginning to leave. Without any other choice, she followed, feeling her paws subconsciously leading her outside into the cold clearing and out of the safety of ThunderClan camp. It felt relatively quiet out today. There wasn’t much activity swarming around camp, which felt odd. Usually, cats were up and around at this time of hour, but she presumed that they were all either outside hunting for prey to bring back or tidied away in the warmth of their nests away from the frosty winter air. Either option sounded possible, but she didn’t want to pour her thoughts into it. Springpaw didn’t find herself thinking much about it as she exited out through the camp entrance, sincerely just allowing herself to take in the scenery around her.

The forest looked uniquely beautiful in the wintertime. The ground was coated with a glittery mass of white and sleet, covering her porcelain-white paws with portions of snow, giving them a more glistening coat of white. Her ears moved towards the ground ever so often to hear the light crunching of the snow from each stop that she took, watching as her pawprints left themselves imprinted into the pure white canvas. As much as she wanted to say the sight itself was unique, she couldn’t help but feel glad that leaf-bare was already halfway through its cycle. Soon it would be newleaf and herbs would finally start to replenish themselves all over the place. Faint curiosity attacked the molly as she felt herself briefly eying Lioncrest. Could this be why he was bringing her out here? To gather herbs for the clan? Maybe that could be the cast, but it also couldn’t as the tom-cat never really seemed to be the type to do such things.

However, her ears instinctively perked up as his voice bellowed out against the quiet stillness of the frozen forest, her blue eyes facing his direction briefly as they trekked through the territory toward their destination. The calico almost instantly found the words that had been dwelling into her mind crawling up her throat and pounding against her lips to be expelled. Lioncrest knew that she was holding on to a mask of normality to keep anyone from burdening her troubles. She almost wanted to give him credit for that, but her jaws felt tightly sealed. How and where would she even begin with her unfolding of burdens that she had kept away from everyone else? How would Lioncrest even feel if she bothered to tell him about her interior feelings about him? Or, how would he feel if she just began to ramble on about the whole drama that had decided to unfold from the last few sunrises ago within the middle of the clearing? About the fact that she’s still interiorly missing her father figure every day even though she treated him like absolute garbage before he left without notice? Would he even care? Did she even care? Why was she thinking this?

Her head began to spin and interiorly pound against the consistency of questions flooding her mind. The quiet stillness of winter surrounding her helped her bring solace within her cluttered mind. Its crisp air carried the whispers of the snow-covered trees, their branches adorned with delicate frost. The rhythmic crunch beneath her numbed paws brought a calming cadence to her. Even if she was surrounded by nature’s hushed symphony, it didn’t help ease the fact that her own heart began to race and her blood began to boil beneath her skin. Could it have been from the fact that she was right by the very tom who just so happened to be her mother’s mate? Maybe. Or maybe, it was the fact that she didn’t know how he would feel if she just began to ramble the most random of things to him. She wasn’t sure how her mother viewed him, but she didn’t view him in the same light. At least, not in the same light of a father as much as her heart ached for one tremendously after Foxstep’s sudden disappearance.

“I… I don’t… even… know where… to begin… really,” Springpaw began, her blue eyes locking towards a frozen puddle that glittered and twinkled against the light golden rays of sunshine that shone through the bleak, graying clouds. “There’s… so many… things… that happened… as of late… that my mind… just feels… so cluttered… so chaotic… full of endless… thoughts… that don’t… seem to stop… even when… I try.” Her paws slowed, consciousness finally coming over them as her body shivered against the numbing sensation running through her veins and pouring into her nerves. Each fiber being of her body felt stilled by the crisp chilling of winter that bit and weaved through her fur like ice-cold water, making her eyes flutter as she landed them on his glassy amber orbs again. “I’ve… been thinking… a lot… about… my dad… in all… honesty… or if… I should… even consider him… a dad… I never… had the chance… to tell him… how I… looked up to… him… before he… left.” How funny. Of all cats, she held herself thinking of Foxstep the most. Sure, there was her mother, Rabbitchatter, Bumblestar, literally anyone else, but she found herself thinking of him the most. She couldn’t understand why or how, but the most that she assumed was just… the fact that he was always there.

It felt ridiculous. Foxstep was the cat that caused numerous injuries to be inflicted upon countless cats during the fox invasion. She couldn’t defend him for the fact that he was negligent and decided to take innocent children out to fight against foxes. Specifically, ones that held very little battle training. It was almost like it was just a day ago when she remembered seeing her cousin stumble into the medicine den, looking all tattered with gnarly bite marks and reeking of blood and fox. She still felt angry at him for causing such an idiotic mistake, but that anger didn’t last forever. Even with all the boiling rage that she had held for him all because of what he had done… She felt guilty. She felt guilty and she never had the chance to truly tell him that he was loved and that she looked up to him like a dad. What a horrible daughter she was. Never upholding the chance to tell her father that she never truly was angry with him, just disappointed. Now, he's gone and she has to bear with that guilt for the rest of her life. If there was a chance for her to turn back time and see him again so she could tell him that she was truly sorry and she saw him like a father, she truly would. That chance that she had while she was recovering was gone. She was filled with hatred. Stupid, futile hatred.

Throughout the entire time that she had been thinking about the former deputy, she hadn’t realized that she had been secretly crying. Her cheeks felt moist by the warm, now chilled tears that stained her cheeks. A wetness that had only begun not so long ago. When did the tears begin? No matter how hard she wanted to fight the impudence of emotions, she knew she couldn’t override them. It was the emotional downpour that she simply couldn’t physically express; a way that her body expressed itself in which words cannot convey. The world felt blurry as it spun til it stood proudly on its axis. Her paws began to feel heavy, her heart now restlessly twisting and pulling as the array of mixed emotions attacked her all at once. She shouldn’t be crying. She was 17 moons old, for StarClan’s sake. She should be keeping herself up on her paws and pondering away from the negatives. “I… I’m sorry,” she pitifully croaked, voice wobbly and hoarse as she desperately attempted to speak to the golden-furred tom through a fury of tears attacking her eyes, almond-shaped hues rounded as she stared up towards him in a position of weakness. A position of pure shame and embarrassment. “It’s… stupid of me… to cry… I know… but I miss… him… as I do… for a lot… of other cats.”

@Jayvines [ sorry, a little bit of a late reply also don’t mind me casually getting deep into this lmao ]