[odessa]

to:
from:

 

Dear mama,

Do you remember when you took me to climb my first tree? I got so scared I needed you to come up and help me down and I thought I had to run away forever because all ThunderClan cats have to climb trees.

Well, I'm all grown-up now, and I could live my whole life in the canopy and never touch the ground again. I dare to get as close to the sky as I can until the trunk gets so thin I can fit it between my teeth.

Do you remember when you taught me to fight? I wasn't very good at it and I started to cry when I got too frustrated. I wanted to give up so bad and become a kittypet instead.

Well, I'm all grown-up now, and I'm still not very good at fighting, but I'm not dead yet. Or...

Do you remember my first robin?

Do you remember when I was born? Was I a good kit? Was I annoying? Tiresome? Was it difficult? Do you miss me then? I don't think anybody liked me.

Do you remember my apprentice ceremony? I can't anymore. Were you proud? Did you cry?

Do you remember when I became a warrior? Were you there?

Do you miss me at all?

Do you think I'm brave?

Am I a disappointment?

What do you think of me?

Do you still watch over me?

Do you love me?

Did you ever love me?

Well, I'm all grown-up now, and I don't need to know.

When everything got so difficult and you weren't there to help, I had to stop caring. I never wanted to forget you, or forget anything at all, but sometimes you have to let go. I think you let go, too.

I told myself I have to love myself. I have to try, or else I'll be miserable always. I still feel miserable. Maybe I'm miserably in love. That's the only way I ever loved. I think you lied. Love isn't a rosy dream. It doesn't look like a perfect rose or fresh snowfall. I don't think anyone loves perfectly. You lied to me, but that's okay. I think I love in the way a fallen log is rotted and mossy. Someday I'll admit I love myself. That I love anybody.

I think you love like a rosebush.

I miss so many people but grieving killed everything in me. Did you watch as my friends came and went? They loved like rainstorms. That's why I'm all rotten. I love so bad it destroys my life.

I don't know how you did it. I think I've been very ungrateful. I always wanted more from you and you never gave it up. I don't know how you did it. I don't have a family anymore and I don't know how I can give up any more of myself. I don't know if there's anything left.

I don't want to speak about myself. What about you? Or anyone else? I'm not the only one around but it's always me. I can't find anybody else. I'm talking to myself. It's the younger version of me. Did you like him better?

I'm all grown-up, and I don't like it. I'm sorry.

love,
alder
your son

p.s. i don't love you