[Beaan]

cw; self hate

This was all his fault. Wolfhawk clenched his jaws, worried about what fate he would meet. Exile? Death? All the options seemed to be on the table. All because he had been stupid. The large tom watched as Spiderthroat exited the den. As soon as the deputy started speaking, the medic hung his head in shame, trying not to break. He held back a snarl once mudhound had come up. He had chewed up the herbs, he only asked them to swallow. What is with everyone getting the story wrong?! He knew it was not the time to protest however.

Hollows wasn't getting demoted. But. As soon as the deputy turned to him, he shrunk. Wolfhawk just wanted to crawl into a corner and die right then and there. Instead they were being scolded and humiliated in front of the entire clan.

"You are no longer Wolfhawk, Medicine cat of ThunderClan. You are Wolfpaw, apprentice."

No. It was gone. All of it. Green eyes became tearful, his brown pelt bristled. He had lost all of it. Not because he had done it willingly, like he had hoped. Because he was incompetent, stupid, and had a lack of a brain. Nine moons of his life had vanished in the blink of an eye. Wolfha- no. Wolfpaw felt like the same scared apprentice trapped under that damn tree. He couldn't breathe.

His inner doubt thrived from this however. You were never good enough. Should have left when you could. Look what happened now. It's your fault. Always. Your. Fault.

Should have left when you had the chance. "I wanted to step down," he said,voice barley above a whisper. "B-Before the otters, I-I wanted to leave. But then Bumblestar didn't wake up, a-and I needed to do everything. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to retire. A-And i'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," the tripod muttered, tears streaming down his face. He got what he wanted, but not in the way he had hoped. He would try. He would try to be a good apprentice, try to let go of his past and learn from his mistakes. But at the moment, it felt utterly hopeless.

And he hated that familiar feeling.

[ @Neptune. @Starfall ]