thanatophobia
anxiety which is caused by thoughts of (one's own) death.
Does anyone really know what death is like? Of course, StarClan exists, so we know what happens to a cat after death - Clan cats, anyway. But think about it for a moment. Leaders, medicine cats; has a StarClan warrior ever told you what their death was like? I doubt it. Maybe they've told you how they died, but have they described it? Was it painful, or were they numb throughout? Maybe the pain faded, leaving them with nothing. Which sense stopped working first? Did they all give out at once?
What did it feel like?
My name is Briarpool, and I have predatory and existential death anxiety. I know that sounds bad, but it's actually very easy to deal with, considering most cats have it without even realising it. In basic terms, it simply means that I fear being harmed and, of course, fear dying. I fear death because I don't know what it will be like. I want to know more. That is one of the reasons I would like to be a medicine cat. Another thing I'm scared of when it comes to dying, is being forgotten. If I became a medicine cat, then no cat would ever forget me! Right?
Of course, I would still be a good healer for the Clan! A medicine cat's job is to help their Clanmates when they are injured or sick. I fully understand that I would need to do so if I became a medicine cat, even if I am more interested in the mystical side of the job. I would do my best to assist my Clanmates, and I believe I would quite enjoy it, as well. As you probably guessed, I'm not a big fan of fighting. I'll still do it, obviously, since that's one of a warrior's main jobs, but I'm always a little more jumpy than other cats. I always fight on the defensive.
Before you start worrying, yes, I am more than just a walking bundle of nerves with a strange fascination with death. I like to think I'm pretty brave, actually. Intelligent, quick-witted, humorous, likable... and very vain, apparently. I'm conscious of it, though! It's just that other cats don't tend to build me up too much, so I feel like I have to do it myself. I have walls around myself, some might say, made of my own compliments, to keep me from getting hurt by others. I feel that's fairly accurate.
I would probably be a little less self-conscious and more willing to be criticized if I could talk, to defend myself. Oh, I didn't mention that yet, did I? I'm mute. That's right! I can't talk. I suppose I technically can; there's nothing wrong with my lips or tongue, I just... can't. Whenever I open my mouth to speak, the words just get stuck in my throat. I've forgotten what my own voice sounds like by this point. I'm assuming it's different to what I sound like here, in my dreams?
It's kind of ironic, I suppose. Everyone tells me that I could never shut up as a kit. Maybe I just talked so much back then that I used up all of my words. Now I'm stuck communicating with only my expressions. I'm very emotive, luckily, or at least cats tell me that, so it's not too hard to tell how I'm feeling. I can usually get the gist of what I want to say across using tail signals, or by gesturing with my paws and ears.
Well, I try to use tail signals, anyway. My tail is a little shorter than most cats'. Not by very much! Maybe half a mouse-length? You can't usually tell, though, thanks to my long fur. It's a dark brown, with faint darker stripes. I have a lighter patch on my chest, which I like to think looks somewhat like a heart. My eyes are a golden yellow, from what I've seen reflected in the river. I don't have any scars, thanks to my caution in battle, but there is a tiny nick in the tip of one of my ears.
I know it doesn't really matter if I'm going to be a medicine cat, since they're not allowed mates, not that many cats would be very interested anyway, but I like to think I'm a pretty attractive sh- ...cat. But that might just be me being defensive, I guess? Half the time, I can't tell if my good thoughts about myself are genuine or just to prove a point. To show that what others think can't and won't affect me. I think... heh, I think that if I'm this confused... others' words really do affect me, don't they?
Mm... anyway...
Let's see... I'm 17 moons old, my favourite prey is water vole, I love cloudgazing, and... I think that's everything. It's everything I can think of, at least. Thank you for this opportunity!