all the king's horses and all the king's men

[plum]

This is a telling of what Eldersky is doing outside of WindClan, either in the past or in brief spans of time of the present. It is a work in progress as I have time or motivation to contribute. Dunno how long it will get.

prologue

Wrapped in a sheathe of darkness and shadow, a dream that shouldn't have come to her perched on the feline's shoulders. It chilled Eldersky to the core of her being- It was cold, hateful, confusing. She wouldn't remember it when she woke, but she dreamed of Quincetail, and of Starkpelt. The parents who never should have been parents. She wouldn't remember it when she woke, but the young she-cat's dream was full of fury, it was full of misunderstanding and rage. She was a kit again, but her parents were grown. Starkpelt was alive, Quincetail was home. And she was so mad at them. She was so mad at that. Why wasn't Starkpelt helping Elderkit? Why wasn't Quincetail looking at her? They ignored her, like she wasn't even there. Eldersky wouldn't remember when she woke, but she wanted to hurt her parents so badly. And she wanted to punish her brother for receiving everything she'd ever wanted, even though he was dead. He knew Starkpelt when she only heard stories. And she suffered with Quincetail when he didn't need to bother. He had everything. He took everything.

Eldersky woke up.

She needed water. Her lips were dry, and her mouth tasted of sand.

Eldersky lifted her head from her forearms, staring ahead of her blankly as the primitive desire overtakes any other thoughts she may have had going through her mind. Water would be nice.

The gray tabby rose to her paws and slid out of the little nest she had built with Featherlight a pawful of nights ago. They were nowhere special- Somewhere called Roaring Lake. It was different... But the detached she-cat couldn't bring herself to feel anything like fancy or disdain for it. She stood outside of their den for a moment, watching for any signs of intruders. Intruders being anyone nearby who might have tried approaching to be friendly. The coast was clear. Eldersky moved.

She made it to the water's edge easily enough. She had been having a difficult time moving before Featherlight found her. But since that day that they came together, getting up and moving on her own wasn't such a strenuous task. The molly lowered her head to lap at the lake's cool water, letting it wash down her throat with each greedy swallow. Her body still ached at times. It was hard to fully recover from feeling as though the weight of the sky was riding upon her shoulders. But with Featherlight, she could do anything. That's how it felt with him, anyway.

[plum]

[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]
[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]
[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]

Black fog crept in through the mouth of the small den, in the dead of night. It settled over the sleeping form of Eldersky, touching her like a fond old friend, and sending a sudden shiver down the formerly serene feline's body. A moan escaped her lips, deep and guttural in her sleep. It was another dream.

"You're not good enough."

Eldersky lifted her head, opening her eyes to peer through the haze. But she couldn't see much of anything. Trying to move, she found she couldn't. Suddenly, a cold fear set in and a piercing screech tried to make its way up from her belly. But the den would remain silent.

"You'll never see them again. They don't want to see you, they're trying to stay away from you. It's such a pain that you're doing this, that you're trying to follow them around like that. Just stop already. By StarClan, can't you tell?"

There was no way to tell who had come to harass her, and Eldersky still couldn't ask. Who would say such cruel things? Tears prickled at her eyes, and the urge to cry quickly overwhelmed the initial desire to get up and confront whoever this was. The voice didn't sound feminine or masculine. It just was. At the silence that followed their ridiculing, a sharp yet joyous laugh filled the cramped den.

"You're so useless. Starkpelt never came back to help you. Fernpaw never wanted to help you- He's happy now living his own life without you, never even thinking of you. Quince only pretended to want to live with you somewhere peaceful. He never came back home for you, never thought of you, never wanted you."

It felt like this aggressor was looming over her now. And she couldn't move. Not even to look up to face them. Her breath felt caged in her chest, her heart beat at a pace that should have caused her to pass out. Still, Eldersky listened. It was all she could do anymore.

"You fooled yourself all your life, like a daft little idiot. Happy to be a part of something no one needed you around in. Batglare was burdened by you and when he was finally free of you, he left. Creekdash hated talking to you, Shockholly never wanted to be around you. They'd gladly forgotten about you the moment they were allowed to, because who would ever remember you? Quailtail couldn't wait to get away from a weirdo like you, who dragged him underground on a search party for someone nowhere even close. Sootstar was embarrassed by you every time you tried to say hi to him like the little dumb dolt you are, following him from apprenticehood into warriorhood. You thought all of these cats knew your name and thought fondly of you but the only thing you ever accomplished by trying to be around was that you made a complete fool of yourself. Who misses you now, Eldersky? Who misses you now that you're gone? WHO IS LOOKING FOR ELDERSKY?"

Rising in her throat was a sob she couldn't voice aloud. Eldersky still couldn't move. But her head was beginning to hurt. There was a buzz that became louder and louder the more she listened to herself.

"Featherlight wishes he could leave. He goes out alone and tries to go home but he always feels too sorry for your pitiful no-good ass. Every time he comes back here, he hates you more and more and more. You're a waste. You're a waste. YOU'RE A WASTE."


A spasm shook the cat to her core, and she floundered out of the nest with loud, quaking gasps. Milky light peeked in through the mouth of the den. It was morning, or almost. Eldersky had woken up. Frantically almost, she looked around for any sign of the cat she had been with. He was gone. Gone already? Her heart thundered in her chest as the awful feelings swirl back through her mind. The nightmare was brutal this time, and she couldn't help but feel like it was going to come true. Featherlight hated her. He wanted to go home. He wished she would disappear so he could go back to life as it had been for him. Once more, tears sprung to her eyes. The gray tabby didn't know what to do anymore.

After a heartbeat passed, the molly collected herself. A deep breath, and another.

She stood and left the den.

[plum]

[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]
[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]
[ Trigger Warning: Please don't read this if you fight with self-image or negative thoughts. ]


[ explanation: eldersky was given a power card in the past that basically connects her emotion to her weight. heavier emotions, such as immense sadness or anger, weigh her down. hence why she would drag her paws or feel her body in intense pain in previous roleplays. but coinciding with being weighed down, she can also become very nearly weightless with intense joy or, in this case, a lack of emotion at all. ]

The tabby's paws bled and quaked from exhaustion by the time noon came. The sun shone hotly high overhead, scorching the dusty and dry terrain. Despite having settled by a pond, or a lake, or whatever it was, everything burned within the all-encompassing sunlight. Eldersky included.

She hadn't slowed her hasty flight until the urge to be sick overcame every other sense, blinding and choking her. After tripping over her own paws, the warrior doubled over to wretch painfully. Her mouth was dry, and tasted sour. But water was far away, and she still needed to escape from the thing in her head. She still needed to put distance between herself and Featherlight.

Hopefully he could be at peace and go home.

But stopping to be sick only allowed her exhaustion to catch up to her. Eldersky couldn't see straight anymore, nor could she stand back up. It wasn't just the sheer effort of it all that she lacked, it was the ability to fight her own body as well. Everything felt heavy again all of a sudden. She'd been flung back to the staring line of the race, before her Clanmate- No, before her mate had come to find her. Was that what he was?

He certainly played the part but he hated her all the same. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it. She knew it.

The sun crept a little lower, and suddenly the passing of time gripped Eldersky again. Retching one final time, the tabby finally stood on quivering legs and hobbled onward.

It hurt again. It all hurt so much. And her chest ached painfully, both too empty and yet overflowing. She wanted nothing more than to run back to Featherlight. To dive into his chest, and bury herself in his fur. She'd cry it out and he would patiently let her. He was good! He was good- and she... Eldersky was this.

Again, she had come to a standstill. Except this time, she didn't fall to the ground- Not yet. Eldersky stood staring ahead blankly as thoughts began to swarm her fragile mind. With every passing heartbeat, she grew more brittle, less stable. Every passing heartbeat brought her immense dizziness, and detestable ideas of anger and loathing. There was a blossoming bitterness that fed off of her doubts, and it had grown huge over the past several nights with the help of her dreams. It wasn't a malicious spirit, but her own soul that had become wounded when she was a kit. Something had poked a hole in her back then, and she never tended to the little pinprick. Every day that went by, it grew. Every night she curled up in her nest thinking about her family, Fernkit and Starkpelt and Quincetail, every morning she woke and they weren't there, it grew. But that was a story so many knew with their own personal renditions of tragedy- She was nothing special, no exception.

Except the idiot never faltered. She was the happy cliche, the overzealous apprentice too eager to learn, the cheerful and forgiving friend, the one who tried in vain to find a niche that both accepted her and kept her around. Eldersky grew up to be nothing, to anybody.

The weight of her mistakes clutched her entire body like an eagles talons and tore her down toward the earth in one swift motion. Eldersky hit the ground with a thud, and as the dust only just began to settle, her eyes glassed over. But they transition from glassy, to brimming with tears just as quickly as she'd fallen, and before even she knew it, they were rolling down her cheeks in quick succession. How could this be happening? How could she let any of this happen?

"Aahhah..." a hoarse laugh dribbles from her lips to her paws. "ahh..." Suddenly, Eldersky felt breathless again. "Aah." Her flanks heaved with the effort of breathing, yet she still felt short of air. "AAH!" She was gasping for even just a single breath, but it all felt so futile. Her lungs didn't fill at all, and the lonely gray cat was only worsening her own condition by continuing to try and rapidly regain the oxygen she thought she'd been losing.

Hyperventilation.

A weak and trembling body was no match for the oxygen deprivation, yet between these short and shallow gasps, she continued to shout. And then finally, she gasped deeply and finally felt as though she could breathe again. Air filled Eldersky's lungs, and relief bathed her in a moment that seemed to bring time to a standstill.

But the pain was only inflicted tenfold in this brief eclipse of time. It was like a lightningstrike seconds after the worst of the storm had passed that sets a tree ablaze, while all of the rainfall slugged by in slow motion. In that one instant, the relief ran cold in her blood.

Eldersky was slow to exhale. And she was silent suddenly. It was as if she'd been arriving onto the precipice of something huge, something shattering. Yet, she'd skipped whatever it was that was meant to happen just then, and went straight to what was beyond that point- A drop. Except upon being driven over the edge of this great cliff, this monstrously wide gap between where she was and where she wanted to be, instead of plummeting down... She got stuck in mid-air.

The cat stared down at her paws silently, then twitched to move. In doing so, her entire body shifted as if a breeze had lifted a feather into the air a little ways. She was several tail lengths from where she'd been moments ago. Eldersky blinked slowly and inhaled. But no noise broke her lips apart, no gut-wrenching wail, no piercing cry. She felt... Detached from what she was before. And it was eerily peaceful.

But what was eerie peace worth?

The cat extended her forelimbs and gripped the dry grass to pull herself forward, then kicked off the same patch to propel herself further. It was as though she didn't weigh a thing. Like in her father's stories about reaching StarClan. Except she wasn't foolish anymore. She wouldn't believe him, nor them. She believed in whatever happened to her today though. And she believed in what came to her overnight, nightmare or not.

Eldersky was done with everything else. With Featherlight and Fernpaw, her mother, her Clan, her mentor, her friends. She now had a keen thought driving her mind.

She needed to see if it was all worth it for him.

She needed to see if he was happy with his life.

She needed to see his regret.

She needed to see his anguish.

She needed him to pay.