Wandering the darkness

[Estelle]

Darkness consume her, for she had felt what one shouldn't feel. Guilt edged her paws. Sorrow followed her gait. She walked a path, but the path of what? Truth is, there is no path, only the star-filled paw prints she left behind. But that did not erase her wrongdoings, even in death, especially in death, she had felt the feeling: for death is all she knew. And that feeling of jealousy was a constant.

The doubt ate away at her. The guild filled her lungs with tears she wouldn't cry; no, Faithkit had to face the truth. She felt jealous. She was jealous. Immensely so. Jealous of those who died a heroic death, jealous of those who lived through the sorrows of life, jealous of those who had and are walking the earth. Because she wanted that too. And, stars, what she wouldn't do to walk the earth.

Not even a day old she was; never to have taken a breath, she had lived not a second before death took her in its arms. And in its arms she had resided for long, in its arms she still resided as she looked down upon the earth with envy until, eventually, she could take it no more. The starry and pale kitten tore away her gaze, refusing to watch what went down below.

She did not know how much time had passed, how many seasons had come and gone. She did not know how old her mother was now, or how old she was supposed to have been. All she knows is eternal youth and the ever-lasting stars she had no choice but to call home.

What is it like to live? What is it like to hurt, to love, to be? In the stars, yes, she knew of those feelings. She knew of envy, she knew of pain, she knew of neglect; but what if she had lived? What if she had taken that first breath and lived? What would it be like then?

Moons ago, Faithkit had torn away her gaze from the living world. But what if... What if she dared look back? What if she dared face her demons and face the envy that so consumed her, and faced that one simple truth she'd ignored for so long: that she would never live?

She would never be given a second chance. She would never walk among her mother and siblings, never speak to them or meet others. She would forever remain what she'd always been, a lonely child pitied for her second-long life, forever maintaining the appearance of a near newborn.

And yet... She had heard stories. Stories of starcats visiting the living in their dreams; is that something she can do? Her siblings were long gone, they ignored her existence even. But her... Had she forgotten her too? Had she truly and completely forgotten the first child she lost? Faithkit wondered, was she that forgettable?

Sitting by an illuminated pool of water, the snow-white kitten blankly stared into the water. Her paws were pressed together, her expression was solemn. An image of composure opposing the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that went on inside her head. Her eyes blinked once, twice, it was as though she was waiting for something to happen.

Until it did. Down below, where the living walked the earth, her mother had turned in for the night. She could see her, her blue-grey pelt fluffy pelt and soft features, contrasting her own sharp face but resembling her mother nonetheless. She blinked again, hesitating, one moment, two moments. Until she closed her eyes and darkness enveloped her.

For a moment she felt like in water. Suffocating and cold before her eyes cracked open. A graceful paw touched the ground, her location seemingly the same. But her eyes were locked on something, on someone, as she entered the dreams of her sleeping mother. There she was, looking changed only by time. Faithkit said nothing upon summoning her here, letting the silence stretch on should Dovefluff not awake.

Only when she saw gentle stirring, a sign of presence, milky blue eyes went wide and her mouth fell agape. But, compose herself, she sat and the albino put together her paws, posture rigid and shoulders tense.
"..Mother?"
Her eyes were glued on the form, unbelieving this had truly worked. That she had truly done this. That she was visiting her mother in a dream, a mother she did not even know loved her. What was wrong with her?


[ @poppy. ]