hushed words long overdue [p]

[alec]

[ mossfreckle - @ellie ]
[ under their nose in use ]

->> rookpaw <<-
[ she/they | shadowclan | 14moons | purrks ]
a scarred dark blueish grey and white cat with grey eyes

rookpaw had been waiting for this chance since she arrived in shadowclan, lead by the cat that had been their shared mentor for the past few quarter moons now, and mossy hues had settled on her the first time. the first time without thick starry fog coating the air between them at least.
she knew she owed him an apology, no, an explanation, rook was sure it looked bad enough to all the other cats, but couldnt wrap her mind around how bad it must look to the freckled healer. it wasnt like she could actually wrap her mind about the concept of hating a cat because they werent clan born, and she had no chance to ever know what that really felt like, but distrust and disappointment was something she could get behind. had she spoken to a cat desperate to help their clanmates and then a few moons later they show up in her clan she wouldnt have trusted them that easily either.
finally, rook watched mossfreckle emerge from the medicine den, lostspark wasnt around, and lifted herself onto white tipped paws. "mossfreckle. quick word please? i have some uhm..personal concerns id like to discuss" she mewed, fake sheepish smile and embarrassed expression hopefully enough to look like she wanted to discuss something medical and wasnt about to practically spill her..deepest darkest secrets? soul? whatever.
"mossfreckle, i know its been far too long already and i shouldve talked to you immediately upon joining and ive been waiting for an opportunity i swear. lostspark said she'd keep an eye on my dreams, i didnt wanna risk it-" she let out a huff, gaze cast downward for a moment. "you dont owe me your time and effort listening but please. please hear me out." there was an edge to her voice, a irragularity. it was desperation.
"im sorry." she shook her head, not much more than a small movement before oriental shaped, white tipped ears faltered a bit. shame. "im sorry. it was stupid to just appear and im not trying to undo what ive already done, im trying to face up to it." her stomach twisted, nerves and a layer of fear shifting inside her uncomfortably.
"i didnt leave because i wasnt chosen, not fully at least, riverclan is a damn sinking ship and i want to live. i dont trust fadingsun and i might as well have worked myself into the ground for even one 'thank you'. its been bad for moons, and not being chosen. i just snapped. i couldnt do this anymore. i cant keep ruining myself for something that isnt gonna work. i dont regret working for the health of my clanmates, i dont regret putting myself at risk for knowledge, and if i got the chance i would give my all for my clanmates all over again." the words had fallen from her maw in quick succession, only briefly pausing inbetween sentences or words to give them more weight or to let out a hollow breath.
"i swear to my life, mossfreckle, that im serious with this and i dont regret my decision. i swear, to everyone ive ever loved, that im going to do everything i can to help shadowclan thrive, and i hope you can understand my choice one day... i dont expect you to be fine with me remaining here, and i dont expect you to ever actually be my friend, but i dont want to live side by side every day without you knowing the truth." there. it was out, all was spoken. well, mostly. she could elaborate on her thoughts and feelings, hell, she would tell them about her childhood if they asked.

[ellie]

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡
ﾟ。 Mossfreckle (ShC)
　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ they/he ~ medicine cat

seek justice, not mercy

❦ Mossy hues settled weightily on the blue-grey molly as she approached, white tipped feathery tail twitched with minutely contained irritation as her rosetted form became larger and larger, blurred shaped became angular lines and the lanky herbalist simply sat and looked at her with a mask of indifference plastered on his face… it wasn’t even a mask… he realised this as he loomed within his starry mind, he simply did not care all that much anymore - she was here and that was that, his opinion was neither here nor there and in the end his worries were for the clan, not himself. mossfreckle. quick word please? i have some uhm..personal concernsid like to discuss… personal concerns… how delightful, it seemed that Min- no, Rookpaw had waited for Lostspark to leave, for the camp to settle into a lull of morning hustle and bustle fading to the hot newleaf noons where most felines were out on patrols or nestled in their dens enjoying the breezes that wisped in gentle, cooling zephyrs… what was the point… Mossfreckle contemplated returning to his den, confidentially saying something about organising herbs and being busy, but it seemed to be too late as Rookpaw boxed the medicine cat into a figurative corner. Freckled oriental shaped form dipped into a deep arching mountain shape as he white tipped paws pressed resistantly into the moist, verdant clearing, thorn like claws sunk into the earth for a moment unseen before he rises and sits, feathery tail settles - still twitching - over his petite paws, angular head cants in a motion that says out with it, he urges the molly to say his part before he says his, before he tells her exactly what was on his mind in brutal honesty… she had asked and now she stand before him on her judgement day, he had liked her well enough but at the end of the day that like had faded the moment she had joined Shadowclan, there was hope it would return but like a shooting star it seemed to be fleeting and fading with every passing moment.

❦ i know its been far too long already and i shouldve talked to you immediately upon joining and ive been waiting for an opportunity i swear. lostspark said she'd keep an eye on my dreams, i didnt wanna risk it- excuses…. im sorry. it was stupid to just appear and im not trying to undo what ive already done, im trying to face up to it… you have done far too much already… i didnt leave because i wasnt chosen, not fully at least, riverclan is a damn sinking ship and i want to live… the clan always comes first, you go down fighting for your clan… you drag it from the depths, gnashing and clawing… im going to do everything i can to help shadowclan thrive, and i hope you can understand my choice one day... i dont expect you to be fine with me remaining here, and i dont expect you to ever actually be my friend, but i dont want to live side by side every day without you knowing the truth… the whole world was a lie, it was hard and it hurt - her words where bold to assume that he cared about her in away, minutely yes, he didn’t hate her per se but a dissenter was not his first pick when it came to a loyal clanmate. Mossfreckle let her finished, bit his tounge and let his starry mind tear her words to pieces while he listened to each word, freckled face contorted in thought as the herbalist sorted through the rushing words within the confines of his mind, sought out the best way to convey the true nature of what he was feeling… to put an end to whatever the molly thought was happening… to bring to light the blunt reality of her situation in regards to him, in regards to his view of her within his life, within his clan.

❦ The oriental shaped medicine cat sat a little taller, petite form conveying respect and his white twinged muzzle held high, Mossfreckle was not playing holier than though nor did his actions convey that, the herbalist simply blanketed himself in reality, took comfort in the authority of his rank and began to speak in lilting, iced over tones, his demeanour remained calm and in different but his words - while monotone - held the weight of the situation within them, ”I accept your apology but I do not forgive you,” the truth laid out plainly before yhe molly, the tension hanging heavy in the air… he wondered if reaching up a white tipped paw would further entangle him within this web of lies… ”you do not deserve my trust, you have proven a traitor in my eyes and you will work to paint over that image - or dont, my regard for you is that of what it was… a minute inkly of acknowledgment. You will work to do good by shadowclan and thus by me, my feelings do not extend to myself, only to the wellbeing of my clam - prove yourself to the clan before your waste your words trying to prove yourslef to me,” his words were blunt but for once the medicine cat did not feel the prickling of anxiety against his pelt, the claws of insecurity tried and fails to get a hold on his tattered heart, ”You have forfeited the meagre truce of a friendship that we had, you can try again but realise that I did not trust you then and I sure as hell do not trust you now and I think even you can see why… prove to me that I can… I do not hate you but I cannot exist with someone who has ripped the roots of trust up and ran away from something that was never assured to them. A thank you…” his tones lightened and cut off with a harsh, breathy laugh, ”I have never gotten a thank you, I have never done anything to get a thank you - you do things for the clan, for your pride, for the feeling of joy when you realise you are not a choice made in vain… I hope you will learn to see that some day before your pride… selfishness, I will let you decide what it is… consumed you from the inside out,” his maw closes and his mossy hues remain locked in the pool of grey that was Rookpaw’s gaze, his face remained blank - neither a taunt for an urge to speak - angular ears simply perked at the ready for anything else she had to say and his lanky form reminded poised to leave if the molly just sat and stared.

{ @alec ~ Rookpaw // Moss’ actions are his alone and do not reflect my OOC views and opinions }