Burnt barns and burning questions

[Exis]

Blackhaze wandered around the barn, now more similar to ashes and a little bit of what used to be walls and a roof. He tried not to feel weak but lack of sleep and food was not going well at all.

@Dipper

[Fawn]

The forensics team was on the case.

Fawnsqueak had been curious about it ever since the raid, why there'd been a fire.. who could've done it. He had an inkling, a mosquito bite almost--it was a sudden realization and then an itch he couldn't stop scratching, further indulging as he thought up scenarios that were far unlikelier than his suspect. So he decided to investigate for himself.

Wasn't like ShadowClan was using the rubble anymore anyway. Or anything else in the territory, from the looks of it. It was a ghost town and Fawnsqueak was the spirit who haunted it in lengthy strides toward the barn.

"Oh."

It fell from him, wispy and short and brought him sputtering to a halt. He could see inside through a burnt gap in the structure, and he blinked, disbelieving, finally relaxing into timid skepticism. "ShadowClan abandon you yet?"

It wouldn't surprise him, not really. Blackhaze didn't even fight in the raid. Fawnsqueak wanted to know more about that.

...He'd bide his time.

@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze chuckled coldly, still staring into the rubble, “Not yet but it’s not like our leader cares about us anyway.” he almost growled.

He stared at the spot where he almost lost his son. This had been where he was when Birchpelt had died. He’d made a choice and it had cost him his brother. Had he made a different decision he’d have lost his son, there was no winning was there.
@Dipper

[Fawn]

"Remind me again why you stay." It's a bitter jab that unfortunately had to spear through Blackhaze to reach Icestar, but Fawnsqueak took the opportunity nonetheless. He sounded nonchalant, like he could shrug it off -- and he can because he's not the one living in a dangerous dictatorship. Remind me why you're fine putting your son in that situation. Remind me why you're teaching him that it's acceptable. There was no right answer and while he's vaguely aware of the unfairness of the question, he wanted to hear some excuse anyway.

@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze shook his head. “It’s never that simple is it. I leave and I leave behind a whole bunch of cat’s who raised me to be torn down. I can’t leave my family so I do the only reasonable thing... I try to get Icestar out.” Blackhaze still hadn’t turned twords Fawnsqueak, trying to hid the bitter, angry tears that were sure to escape his eyes.
@Dipper

[Fawn]

"If they're your family, you'd think they'd want the same thing, y'know?" Fawnsqueak raised, gauging Blackhaze's reaction. "Or they'd at least understand why you'd want it. Your family wants you to be safe, comfortable." It was kind of selfish. (Really selfish. Really really selfish.) He was flooded with the urge to drag Blackhaze's eyes to him, couldn't stand that he wasn't looking in his direction because he needed to see his expression. For a fleeting second, he ..remembered. Two sisters and a brother? Something like that. Their first meeting. It was still weird to know that off the bat.

Idly, he tried, "You're not keeping anyone safe from her."

@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze sigh at the first comment but at the second he turned around and was suddenly in Fawnsqeaks face. His eyes were terrified and helpless. “I know I can’t do anything ok!” He almost yelled before he realized he might have scared the squirrel and stepped back.

“I know ok.” He tried to keep looking at Fawn but at this point he didn’t feel worthy to look at anyone and he looked down. “I try, so hard, to save everyone but I just can’t ok. I just can’t do this much longer and I don’t know what to do anymore. I failed him Fawn, I just couldn’t keep him safe.”
@Dipper

[Fawn]

If Fawnsqueak had been even slightly nervous or expected an outburst, he probably would've flinched from Blackhaze being suddenly in his face and downright invading his space. But in sheer shock, he stood, blank. It was a poker face fabricated from luck. It startled him, rattled his sense of safety with Blackhaze. He'd pushed too far and set him off.

And he was offended that Blackhaze thought he could... could just talk to him-- no, yell at him like that. (And not expect him to walk away. So why wasn't he walking away?) Paws firmly planted, Fawnsqueak's fur bristled in a display of unrestraint. (Pushover. Pushover.) The snappy outburst had him retreating inwardly though, and he regained a guarded exterior in seconds as he surveyed the stranger before him.

(This was what he'd wanted, wasn't it? Something real.) Now that he was here, he didn't know how to deal with it. Eventually, he mumbled awkwardly, "What you're doing isn't working."

@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze sigh, “I’m sorry I snapped. It’s not like me to snap at a friend I swear it’s just... My brother, he died in that raid and... and it just shook me. This whole time I’d convinced myself that I could protect them all from everything you know. But I made a choice that night. I chose to go get Sunkit and left Birchpelt defenseless. Because of that he died. I couldn’t be everywhere and I can’t even ask someone for help because that would mean I’m trusting some cat to protect my family for me. What if they fail? It would still be my fault. On top of all this I still have clan duties, I’m working with Falcondive on a project, I have to raise a motherless kit, like, what do you do when he’s dirty? You can’t drop him in a river he’ll drown. I still have to keep up with friends because everyone expects me to. I’m the one that never quits, I’m the one that can’t ever rest, I’m the one that patrols three times a day brings at lest 5 pieces of prey on each around the border and still finds time for regular stuff. I’ve let all of them down and they still believe in me. I’m just one cat. I’m not even that good of one either. How can I possibly be what they need from me?”

He suddenly looked old and frail, almost as if when you touched him he’d fall apart. He was getting skinnier and his fur had lost its natural shine and now looked so dull you could barely tell the colors apart. His fur clung to him strangely as he had stopped grooming as much and his ribs stuck out like a sore thumb. He stared at the floor before looking up at Fawnsqueak, “Please I’m just... I just don’t want you to be mad at me. I don’t think I can handle much more at the moment...”
@Dipper (this made me so sad.)

[Fawn]

Snap at a friend. . .

A static in his ears drowned out a part of that as it repeated, looping over and over. Snap at a friend. Snap at a friend. He was a friend. Fawnsqueak.. was a friend? To him? Which, was kind of a weird thing to consider not because he wouldn't agree but.. the notion of Blackhaze seeing him as a friend--bitter and sarcastic as he'd been--was unusually reassuring.

There was an element of panic attached too. He had a friend. From ShadowClan. A ShadowClan friend. He might've maybe sorta kinda probably been a traitor for recognizing that.

And despite this newly-acquired 'friend' status, here he was thinking about himself while Blackhaze detailed a very real struggle he was experiencing. (Some friend.) ShadowClan dope or not, Blackhaze deserved better. Oh stars oh stars oh stars oh stars. It was something important too. Fawnsqueak couldn't mask his guilty expression as he struggled to string enough context together to form a whole. He'd just been declared a friend and was already blowing it miserably.

And his brother died. His brother DIED and Fawnsqueak was everything but supportive as he stood there, visibly shaken by the heart on Blackhaze's sleeve. This was way over his head, indicative of severe mental health issues.

"You think he. Died. because. you. weren't there?" he clarified in choppy words, puzzled. "That's. Honestly ridiculous. Did he fall over dead the second you left? Because some- some force of the forest just said 'okay that's it for you'?" No. Fawnsqueak already knew this one. He died in the raid. He died at the paws of another cat. "He died because. Because some cat killed him. You aren't responsible. For that. For anyone except Sunkit." His brother had been a fully grown warrior equipped to handle himself without constant supervision and if Blackhaze couldn't see that, he was part of the issue. "..Don't insult his memory."

He skimmed over the clan duties, the mysterious Falcondive-project. He didn't know what the latter meant but didn't need to know. How was he supposed to know these ShadowClan comrades?

Fawnsqueak tipped his head at the phrasing as if Blackhaze didn't have a choice in what he was saying, and he questioned it, "You.. have to raise a motherless kit. Why? ShadowClan seriously has no queens?" And he was going to elaborate on how it wasn't automatically his job to take, but he was caught completely off guard by the bit about the river and fell into giggles despite his best stoic face. He just--

All these ultra serious stressors and then that out of nowhere.

When it finished, he'd reverted to silence and chewed on that, unsure how he felt about the entire ordeal but knowing it was nothing.. particularly positive. It was still overwhelming. This relationship had gone from stupidly easy banter to.. a friendship, and now he was getting all these things tossed onto his shoulders and he didn't even know Blackhaze.

Guilt stabbed him. Fawnsqueak was more than he'd bargained for, and Blackhaze was not in any state for this.

At last, after too long deliberating, he only managed, "I ..think you need to honestly have a realistic view of yourself. Nobody can do all that, and you're no exception."


@Father of the foof