thinking [va]

[furrensic]

cw for depressing thoughts / self hatred

➺ sage(paw); they/he/she

sage has been thinking recently. actually, they think a lot and they don't like it. maybe they think too much. and about a lot of stuff, too. himself, the things around him, his mother, thunderclan.. rose.. aster. it hurts to think about those two - very badly. a part of them feels.. relieved? that they don't live in thunderclan anymore and instead live in a wide, open field that reminds them of their childhood home. maybe they're just delusional. maybe it's twisted. i'm twisted, they think.

it's mostly the regret that keeps her awake at night. aster and rose had never treated her with anything but love and kindness. they'd stuck together before and after the incident with their mother. and what'd she do? build a wall of thorns and vines once they'd been so kindly welcomed into thunderclan. all she had wished to do was return to the field they'd all been starving in for her own selfish reasons. she was frozen in the past, forced to watch everyone move on.

but the part that makes them feel hateful is the fact they didn't even say goodbye to rose. aster had been missing, but rose was there. why didn't i say goodbye? they wonder, because i'm selfish. evil. and i should be ashamed because of that. they answer. they witnessed deaths, more than what any cat should ever see, but so had aster and rose. had they left without a single goodbye? no. not at all. i'm sick. sage supposes she did it because it was just easier for her.

..easier for her and only her.

"...i'm going to go lay down for a bit."