this was what I would've posted way back when, but I never felt like it could go into any roleplay.
Here's a rewrite of Sagepaw's reaction to the fateful meeting where both Ebonysky and Heatherrain died. It's also the meeting where two of his siblings received a new name and rank, and I never let Sagepaw give enough fanfare as was needed. because i had completely forgotten the guy's family smh
This is going to contain: -somewhat graphic depictions of gore/blood/death
-mention/witness of suicide
-emotional turmoil
-panic attack
take care
956 words
He's been here before.
No, he hasn't.
This was the Shadowledge, wasn't it? He's passed by here so many times because he. lived. here.
It was gross.
"I don't want to be here."
He wasn't speaking. He couldn't even hear his own voice. How could he be speaking if he couldn't hear it? No. He'd been thinking that.
His head was too loud.
Those berries aren't supposed to be eaten.
"Help me."
Why did her eyes look like that?What was coming out of her mouth? It was blood.
Ebonysky did nothing wrong.
Right?
Why was she scared? She had to be. Why else would she have eaten those berries? She'll be fine. It won't be that bad if she just explains it. She's on the ground, though.
Wasn't that...Time was being weird. What had come first? Did she eat the berries last?
What?
Why did she kill herself if she was fine? Maybe Dawnstar was right. What cat would kill itself? It wouldn't have been that bad. Punishment...
No, Ebonysky would've died anyway.
Where was Ma? He wanted Ma. He didn't want this. It was wrong. It made him feel icky.
Ow.
What was that ringing noise? Did anyone else hear that? No.
It must be him.
"What a bore."
This was not boring. He could feel it all skittering away inside him. Could hear it, too. Couldn't sit still, but he was stuck. It never got like this. Felt new.
"Heatherrain, Frostscreech told me that you and Ebonysky killed Smallleap, he said that Ebonysky told him herself."
Why would she say that.
Cats weren't supposed to kill each other. Not when they were both from the shadows.
The shadows wouldn't stay still. Like him. Moving. Dancing. Blurry.
Can't think.
Breathe?
"I'd rather just kill you ... I've more important .. attend to .. I'd allow you ... to the clan."
Can't focus.
Ringing.
"Well, You caught me ... FIVE cats ... now EbonySky. Five Times the charm!"
Five.
Was that important? Five of them.
"...EbonySky! ... dramatic! ... manipulated ... eat ... berries! ... no one cares."
No.
"... add to ... bodies. ... BeeFlight."
More red. Dead. Six? Why? Heatherrain. That wasn't allowed.
"I don't want to be here."
Was the ringing getting worse? His head was too. loud.
"... I failed... Send me to hell."
Not here. Please. He didn't want to go with her. StarClan...StarClan. He wanted to be there. Go, not be.
Right?
Ma, where was she? He wanted her.
"... ALIVE? KILL ... KILL HER ... HER!"
Yowling. Above the ringing. She was down. That was good. Right?
Kill. No. What about the other-
No. Can't focus. Can't see.
Can't breathe.
Heartbeat in his ear, not down in his ribcage where it belonged.
"... join the spirits in the stars, ... someone as hopeless as you."
No. No no no no no. He didn't want her in his StarClan. It wasn't for her. He felt safe there. She'd take it from him, with all her red.
The vixen of shadows was there. He remembered. A fire on his paw, a cry for his ma, and then her.
Savior.
And killer.
He wanted to be like her. Dreams and ambitions to join her in the great ranks, perhaps deputy someday. Or even more.
Red.
He didn't want the red. If the red was what leader meant, to create more of that and cause it-
Ebonysky. He didn't want that image in his mind again. He didn't want to be a leader anymore.
He wanted to be far away from it.
He also wanted to breathe. Maybe all those bodies were surrounding him. Maybe that was why it felt like his chest had so much pressure sitting on it.
Suffocating him.
Dizzy.
Away. He wanted to get away. He wanted Ma.
Heatherrain was gone. The cat with scars and a shadow to his name took her.
Gone.
But not from his mind. Even when he squeezed his eyes shut, it was there.
Images of red dripping and pouring, cats dying and pleading for help. Cats taken away, cats laughing when there was no joke.
He didn't want to stay in the dark that flickered with those things, so he opened his eyes.
Ceremonies.
Eggkit. His brother.
"Look for him."
Ceremonies were nice. Even when his ears rang.
More apprentices meant more friends. More friends meant more fun and chaos.
But that would be controlled chaos.
Red...
Red was not there. There were only ceremonies and fun times and watching more cats get put into his proximity so he could be friends.
There were no traitors.
Eggpaw. There was Eggpaw. Eggpaw and breathing. In and out.
There was Larkpaw, too.
"I do."
Does she? Of course.
This was Shadowclan.
In and out.
"Larkfire. ... welcome you ... Enforcer of ShadowClan."
Larkfire...was right. The ring to it wasn't the fading ring in his ears. He felt happy for her. She'd done so well.
Eggpaw would, too. Even if he couldn't open his mouth to cheer yet.
"That's all for this meeting, dismissed."
The ringing was almost gone now.
In and out.
He could almost breathe. It hurt less, anyway.
Maybe his nausea was fading, too.
It was just a ceremony.
He opened his mouth, feeling parched like he had been panting like a dog. He had been, though. "Larkfire!"
That was all he could give.
It would be enough.
In and out.
Ceremonies were the best.
He'd find Eggpaw later.
It was getting raucous. Felt like it.
His lungs constricted for a moment and he knew he had to go.
There wasn't much else to do anyway.
He went to the apprentice's den, trying not to think of the red. A nap would be nice.
He never fell asleep fully. The red was behind his eyelids, always.
Why was it like this? It wasn't right.
this bit of writing contains quotes (verbal) pulled from these posts:
[please beware that these are likely to contain content of similar triggers listed above.] xxxxxxx
I chose this title both because I was thinking of horror games and because it kind of makes sense.
Or maybe it doesn't, this was written with my poor logic at 1:14a.
liminal space
