Story time! Made up clan leader tells kit her life story!

[Mango]

Mosskit nosed her way through the long vines of a cave and binked as she saw a cat there," Who are you?" She squeaked

Duckstar turned around and saw Mosskit, the solo kit in Thunderclan who didn't have any surviving littermates," Hello, Mosskit, I'm Duckstar, the leader of Thunderclan." She meowed

Mosskit gasped," Wow! Can you tell me a story?"

Duckstar normally would tell a kit to go play in the nursery, but being the lone kit of Thunderclan herself she had sympathy for young Mosskit," Sure. About what, clan battles, the history of Thunderclan, or my life story, or what?"

Mosskit squeaked," I want to hear your life story, all the way from when you were a kit!"

Duckstar chuckled," Alright Mosskit! I was born to the only litter of kits in Thunderclan, I had a stillborn brother, Swankit, and my sister Goosekit. I always played silly games with Goosekit. I wasn't ambitious like Goosekit was. I simply swore I'd become a warrior, while Goosekit was swearing she'd become leader and would apppoint me deputy- But, I was terrorized at the thought of being deputy then-"

Mosskit blinked," You don't seem terrorized being clan leader though..."

Duckstar smiled softly," I got braver. Anyways...When we were three moons old, Green Cough struck Goosekit. She died, and while dying she made me promise to become deputy. I promised eagerly and worked on public speaking, despite the fact that I usually fled after a few words..." she chuckled.

Mosskit gasped," Is that why you're clan leader?"

Duckstar laughed," Not really. I finally became an apprentice and matured some. I had the deputy, Falllenstorm, who never became clan leader, as my mentor. I decided that Goosekit's promise I had made was a silly kit thing and I gave up on that promise and worked simply to become a good warrior and a reliable warrior."

Mosskit frowned slightly," Then how did you become leader?"

Duckstar laughed," I'll get to it. I finally became a warrior, by the name of Ducktail for my stumpy tail. Boy did I hate my warrior name-"

Mosskit chuckled," Wow I can see how you recieved that as your warrior name- is that why you became leader? So you would never have to be called Ducktail again?"

Duckstar laughed," No." she understood why the kit was laughing at her warrior name," I recieve an apprentice many moons later, Muddypaw- well...Muddyolive now, you're father."

Mosskit gasped," My father was mentored by you? He never told me that!"

Duckstar purred," Yep. I loved it, then my mentor, the former deputy, Fallenstorm died."

Mosskit squealed," Is this when you became deputy!?"

Duckstar purred," You'll see. Everyone thought you're mother, Hazelmouse would become deputy, no one even glanced at me, besides Muddyolive. Then, finally Kestrelstar, the leader before me arrived and declared Hazelmouse deputy, however; Hazelmouse refused leadership and suggested me suprisingly, Kestelstar appointed me, I was terrified, but I remembered my promise to Goosekit and I accepted, but momentarily regretted it."

Mosskit squealed," Cool! You got to boss everyone around, but listen to Kestrelstar!"

Duckstar laughed," Yeah, I guess. Anyways, I got comfortable with it, though Kestrelstar was growing old and told me I'd be the next leader, I told him no way, I'd appoint someone to be leader and remain deputy until I retire, but unfortunetly, Grousestep, the medicine cat hauled me to highstones and forced me to recieve my nine lives and that's how I became leader. And now that I'm clan leader, I never want to return to deputy." She chuckled

Mosskit squealed," Can I be you're apprentice in six moons, and when I'm able to be deputy, will you appoint me deputy?"

Duckstar purred," We'll see..."

Six moons later....

Duckstar yowled," Let all cats gather...Will Mosskit step forward, Mosskit from this day until you're a warrior you'll be known as Mosspaw, I will be you're mentor, I know Fallenstorm taught me well and I did mentor Muddyolive well. I know I'll pass down everything I know onto you..." she meowed.

Mosspaw gasped," You did it! You made me you're apprentice, but I know I won't become deputy..." she added calmly," You don't have to make Bubblesong resign for me."

Duckstar snorted," You seriously thought I'd trust you as deputy?"

Mosspaw blinked," Maybe."

Duckstar sighed," Enjoy having denmates, Foxpaw and Falconpaw."
Seven moons later....

Duckstar yowled," Let all cats old enough to catch there own prey gather below the highledge, Mosspaw, do you promise to uphold the warriorcode?"

Mosspaw nodded steadily," I do."

Duckstar paused," From this moment forward, you'll be known as Mosstail in honor of my old warrior name..." she chuckled," Ducktail, for those who don't know my warrior name."

A few cats chuckled.

Mosstail nodded steadily," Thank You, Duckstar."

A few moons later...

Duckstar yowled," Will Kestrelkit?! Kestrelkit oh my Stars! You look exactly like Kestrelstar..."

Kestrelkit blinked," Is that why I have memories of leading the clan, I must be the reincarnation of Kestrelstar." She gasped then she added," Can you make me an apprentice yet?"

Duckstar was mind-blown I can ask this kit- well apprentice in a few seconds for advice in leading? she shook the thought away," Kestrelkit from this day, until you're a warrior you'll be known as Kestrelpaw...Mosstail will be you're mentor."

Mosstail blinked," T-Thank You, Duckstar."

A few moons later....

Duckstar stepped onto the highledge," Due to Onyxsoul dying, I must appoint a new deputy." She paused I wish I could appoint Kestrelpaw as deputy... she breathed," I say these words so the spirits of Onyxsoul and Starclan may hear and approve of my choice, Muddyolive will be the next deputy of Thunderclan." (You guyz so thought Mosstail would right?)

Muddyolive gasped," T-Thank You, though I thought you'd appoint Mosstail."

Duckstar snorted," I know."

However, six moons later...

Duckstar meowed," I say these words so the spirit of Muddyolive may hear and approve of my choice...(you think Kestrelmoon or Mosstail?) Kestrelmoon will be the next deputy of Thunderclan."

Kestrelmoon greedily accepted.

However, 1 moon later.

Duckstar growled sadly," I say these words so the spirit of Muddyolive may hear and approve of my next deputy, who'll probs die too...Honeymouse will be the next deputy of Thunderclan." (Fooled ya again...dun worry Moss will eventually be appointed.)

Honeymouse died momentarily of a stroke.

Duckstar sighed," Fine. I say these words so the spirits of Honeymouse may hear and approve of my choice....Yarrowmouth will be the next deputy of Thunderclan."

Yarrowmouth survived the first moon of deputyship.

But, Duckstar recieved a prophecy, Unless you appoint Mosstail deputy you'll kill your clan.

In the morning, Yarrowmouth was found dead in the territory, bit by a snake.

Duckstar growled angrily,"I say these words so the evil spirits of Starclan may hear and approve of my choice, Mosstail will be the last deputy of Thunderclan, if she dies, then Thunderclan shall have no more deputies under my control."

Mosstail accepted and momentarily, Duckstar died.

Mosstail went to the Starcave and recieved her nine lives and appointed Grousehunter as deputy, who survived.

Mossstar smiled to the kit," Anyways, Yarrowkit. I know you're having memories of Yarrowmouth and you're siblings Kestrelkit is having memories of Kestrelstar and Duckkit's having memories of Duckstar. There is nothing to worry about." She finished.

(Ta Da)

[Serendipity]

Originally Posted by Chameleon

snip

Hey, Chameleon, don't get me wrong, I like the idea in your story, but some things are wrong. I hope I'm not being mean!;
1) You're using 'momentarily' almost every couple sentences. Plus, most of the time it's not even used correctly. As in, 'momentarily, Duckstar died'. The correct words would be 'In a second' or 'soon after' Duckstar died.
2) We're not introduced to half the characters properly. Who the heck is Onyxsoul??
3) The fact that an older, senior clan leader listens to a kit. Like, really Duck? Really?
4) Kestrelkit. Just, plain old Kestrelkit. Just no. He/She is the pure embodiment of Mary Sue and Gary Stu.
'Duckstar yowled," Will Kestrelkit?! Kestrelkit oh my Stars! You look exactly like Kestrelstar..."

Kestrelkit blinked," Is that why I have memories of leading the clan, I must be the reincarnation of Kestrelstar." She gasped then she added," Can you make me an apprentice yet?"

Duckstar was mind-blown I can ask this kit- well apprentice in a few seconds for advice in leading? she shook the thought away," Kestrelkit from this day, until you're a warrior you'll be known as Kestrelpaw...Mosstail will be you're mentor." '
That whole paragraph is full of plotholes. First of all, the Duckstar yowled part. It starts with 'Will Kestrelkit'. Who is Kestrelkit? Is kestrelkit Duckstar's daughter/son? We have no idea. Then, the 'I have memories'. Seriously? Also, how does a kit know about reincarnations? I'm pretty sure Cinderfur didn't know until she was Cinder-old-paw! Then, the last one, it's literally against the warrior code to make a young kit an apprentice.
5) (I feel so bad.... I don't like pointing out mistakes, I really don't want to sound mean!) Okay, I don't want to be rude, but please re-check on your grammar mistakes. (Your, You're and there, their, they're)
6) All the deputies dying - No one knows the reason. it would be great if we had some background....
7) Suddenly, Mossstar is leader and she's talking to some other kits. Wait, what was that transition??? Was it all Mossstar explaining her life or two different stories?
Note: If possible, could I re-write this by myself? I wouldn't give myself credit and I'd PM / Give the finished copy to you.

[Mango]

Originally Posted by Serendipity

Hey, Chameleon, don't get me wrong, I like the idea in your story, but some things are wrong. I hope I'm not being mean!;
1) You're using 'momentarily' almost every couple sentences. Plus, most of the time it's not even used correctly. As in, 'momentarily, Duckstar died'. The correct words would be 'In a second' or 'soon after' Duckstar died.
2) We're not introduced to half the characters properly. Who the heck is Onyxsoul??
3) The fact that an older, senior clan leader listens to a kit. Like, really Duck? Really?
4) Kestrelkit. Just, plain old Kestrelkit. Just no. He/She is the pure embodiment of Mary Sue and Gary Stu.
'Duckstar yowled," Will Kestrelkit?! Kestrelkit oh my Stars! You look exactly like Kestrelstar..."

Kestrelkit blinked," Is that why I have memories of leading the clan, I must be the reincarnation of Kestrelstar." She gasped then she added," Can you make me an apprentice yet?"


Duckstar was mind-blown I can ask this kit- well apprentice in a few seconds for advice in leading? she shook the thought away," Kestrelkit from this day, until you're a warrior you'll be known as Kestrelpaw...Mosstail will be you're mentor." '
That whole paragraph is full of plotholes. First of all, the Duckstar yowled part. It starts with 'Will Kestrelkit'. Who is Kestrelkit? Is kestrelkit Duckstar's daughter/son? We have no idea. Then, the 'I have memories'. Seriously? Also, how does a kit know about reincarnations? I'm pretty sure Cinderfur didn't know until she was Cinder-old-paw! Then, the last one, it's literally against the warrior code to make a young kit an apprentice.
5) (I feel so bad.... I don't like pointing out mistakes, I really don't want to sound mean!) Okay, I don't want to be rude, but please re-check on your grammar mistakes. (Your, You're and there, their, they're)
6) All the deputies dying - No one knows the reason. it would be great if we had some background....
7) Suddenly, Mossstar is leader and she's talking to some other kits. Wait, what was that transition??? Was it all Mossstar explaining her life or two different stories?
Note: If possible, could I re-write this by myself? I wouldn't give myself credit and I'd PM / Give the finished copy to you.

Sure. And I giving you partial credit. And yeah I intended to have Mossstar telling the whole story.