Burnt barns and burning questions

[Exis]

Blackhaze nodded, How had they let and Apprentice who was barley trained into that battle?! He thought just as he realized he hadn’t checked on everyone before hand so technically he did.

“It’s not that they aren’t there, no one pays him mind. They did the same with me... Plus I like the little squirt, I just with I had some help.” Blackhaze suddenly realized what he’d said and laughed along with Fawnsqueak, something he hadn’t realized he’d missed.

”I know you’re right... I just feel like I have to... like it’s not a choice. Like this is just... sometimes I wish I was like anyone else, like I could just not care. Sometimes I wish I could just stay here and tease you for obviously having a crush on me but..” He spoke the words without prosessing them as he weakly glanced behind him.
@Dipper

[Fawn]

Fawnsqueak might've been more empathetic if the kit was a burden rather than an undertaking. "You kind of took him on," he pointed out, aware it wasn't precisely helpful or comforting but being unsure of what to say. Being a parent was a huge responsibility and quite frankly, Blackhaze didn't look very old. To have a small kit he was caring for seemed like some reckless decision that was now spurring regret.

He shook his head, brushed that off when Blackhaze conceded to say he was right because he didn't feel right after that huge weight had come crashing down on this conversation. On the very nature of their relationship. It didn't alleviate the discomfort.

Clamping his jaw tight with an audible click, that earned Blackhaze a blazing stare to have the guts to suggest he was the only one who cared. Like he was some martyr worthy of the forest's praise for taking on all this work and deserved pity for the situation he'd put himself in. He was quickly growing disenchanted with the perceived flippancy of it all, how quickly he could move from "woe is me" to a feeble attempt at teasing him.

Stony, Fawnsqueak averted his gaze. He still didn't know how to proceed but couldn't feel inclined toward sympathy when the shift reeked of melodrama and self-martyring.


@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze shook his head. “Technically, but it was what was expected of me. So I did. I don’t regret it I just wish I’d did it differently. You know what, I’m sorry I told you actually.” He said realizing how much Fawnsqueak didn’t want to hear his pity party.

He just had to remember his place in the world. You know it would be nice to love for me for a change... Well you don’t have that luxury so shut up and buck up. Blackhaze say up a bit and have his best cocky smile. “I’m sorry I’ve been eating so much of your time Squirrelly.” He mewed.
@Dipper

[Fawn]

((sorry for the wait!))

Fawnsqueak didn't know what that meant. It was... expected of him. Nobody in their right mind would expect a freshly-made warrior to take on a kit immediately, unless ShadowClan politics was more deluded than he realized. Looking at him, he couldn't imagine Blackhaze was more than eighteen moons. "Wouldn't.. wishing you'd done it differently kind of fall under 'regret'?" he asked but didn't expect an answer, his reply mostly to fill the space of his side of the conversation when he didn't know the first thing about adopting a kit he didn't want to begin with.

Everything they'd discussed remained.. overwhelmingly complex, and it required more time to process before he was comfortable jumping into the usual banter. He preferred the shallow exchanges to Blackhaze's digs for sympathy and ammunition in his self-martyring extravaganza, but he couldn't bring himself to fire back at him.

"It's, uh, fine," he eventually responded with a cough, gaze averted. "I probably shouldn't be hanging around on your... well, WindClan's territory anyway." Fawnsqueak offered a faint, sheepish smile. Wistful. As if his previous statement was unclear, he added a quiet, "I should go."


@Father of the foof

[Exis]

Blackhaze nodded, “Well then I regret not trying to find him a mom too. He deserves it.” He looked at Fawnsqueak and realized that this would probably be the last he saw of him.

He sigh out loud Before stepping forward. “Look ok. The real reason I told you this was simply because you’re not in my clan. With you, even if we never talk again, I never have to worry about anyone thinking I’m weak, or stupid, or just a pity party rouge who joined a clan.”

Then the words hit him. It stung like ice to know he’d already chased him away. Told you. You really are pathetic, it’s better to keep it to yourself. Rakta whispered but there was sympathy in her voice. Blackhaze shook his head as his gaze hardened a bit and he looked up at Fawnsqueak “Tell Windclan to suck a mousetrap and come get me if they have a problem.”

‘I should probably go’ the words spun in Blackhaze’s head over and over again. “Sorry.” He said but this time it was real. What was I thinking. What a mouse dung thing to do to him. Blackhaze looked at Fawnsqueak for one more moment before shaking his head clear of his own thoughts and padding past him.
@Dipper

[Fawn]

Fawnsqueak could see the appeal in confessing things to a stranger, so that kind of made sense, and he shrugged. It'd simply seemed... too personal to align with the more superficial, lighthearted interactions they'd shared, and equipped with that information, he wasn't sure how to move forward in this.. what was it, a friendship? Acquaintances? He didn't know. "You're in ShadowClan," he drawled the reminder, "everyone already thinks you're weak and stupid." Not only was he referring to the rest of the forest, but ShadowClan itself. Nobody hated ShadowClanners more than ShadowClanners did.

He blinked. "Yyyyyeah, no, I'm not going to do that. Because I actually like you, and I don't really want to see you dead." Fawnsqueak wrinkled his nose at his own words, then exhaled his irritation away. Blackhaze had just shared his deepest stressors, the least he could do was be upfront about liking the guy more than he let on most of the time. They both knew that was just an act anyway.

The apology elicited an uncomfortable clearing of his throat and had Fawnsqueak tongue-tied since he was lost as to where to go with that. There was no reason for Blackhaze to apologize, it had been acceptable--just.. unexpected, and he was unequipped to deal with that gracefully. "Oh, uh, no, it's..." he trailed off, unsure. Whatever it was, they didn't need to dwell on it, and he simply offered a strained smile verging on apologetic. "I'm sorry too," was all he managed to get out as Blackhaze went past him, leaving Fawnsqueak alone with remorse and more than enough on his mind.


@father of the foof [can leave it off here!]