if you must die, remember your life. [ p ]

[wolfie]

if you must die, sweetheart
die knowing your life was my life's best part
if you must die
remember your life.
======
Asterdance is tired, eyes drooping with weariness as they drag themself into a nest that feels lonely and barren. Wishing to know Sage was sleeping nearby but their only comfort is knowing Spiderthroat and Bushtuft was with them. There are times when they feel no more than a kit, unable to handle simple emotions. In these times, Asterdance feels like an elder who has seen everything and knows all too much. They wish they could speak to Cindersky once more. Ask her for the advice they had yearned for but felt too ashamed to bother the righteous warrior.

They curl up into their nest as tightly as they can. They try to not pay attention to the closed space, the walls that surround them. The flame of quiet panic and the way their neck scar seems to spark in pain. There is no tail use to hide away from so, Asterdance lifts a large paw and covers their muzzle. Squeezing their eyes shut, and burying their face into the mossy bedding.

The warrior can't help but wonder hopelessly. It was easier to have those leave you when there was still the possibility of life. The blissful ignorance of not knowing their fate. It either meant they had left Asterdance by choice or with no choice. It reminded them of Goldeneyes. Deeply so. They knew Cindersky would return to them, sure on it but ... Goldeneyes remained a painful mystery.

That is their last thought before they slip into a comfortable sleep.

When Asterdance opens their eyes, they know they are dreaming. This time they don't awake on a thunderpath. They don't awake in a coyote's den. They don't awake in a bloodied camp. They aren't sure where they are - almost familiar, but unable to place a name to it. They look around in pure wonder and awe. It felt... so safe.
|| @~Fierce~ || this is a very bad starter but i hope you can work off it :'O sleep meds are kickin' in so i'm sorry if it's a little all over the place!!

[~Fierce~]

~Goldeneyes~
Her death had been unexpected. She had never intended to die so soon. But she knew when her time was coming to an end. Something inside her, a gut feeling, had told her that her time was up, that she couldn't keep living in this world anymore. She had given everything her all, and now she had nothing to give. Wasn't that the reason she hadn't gone back? She was exhausted. There was no one waiting for her anymore. She had been done with clan life. Even little Lotuspaw couldn't give her the force to go back. She was done with it all. Everything. Riverclan, Thunderclan, Nectarflame. They had made her realize what she had to do. And she could only thank them instead of hating them.

Instead of returning to Thunderclan, she had gone to the Twolegplace. She knew that kittypet life at this point was better than the mess that Thunderclan was in. She had wandered the Twoleg dens until one day, a Twoleg opened their door and let her in. They had given her a luxury she had never experienced. Her twoleg was old, just like her. They had retired and Goldeneyes was retiring with them. They had a small fortune and they gave all they could to Goldeneyes. They spoiled her. But nothing they gave her could erase the cloud of depression hanging over her. Even though her recent actions hadn't been loyal actions, she had been loyal. She had loved her clan very much. So she would never escape this cloud.

As for how she died, it had been a very disappointing thing. Over time, she had gotten weaker and weaker and it turned out that she had a very fatal sickness that she had caught from her owner. Both of them couldn't take care of each other and her owner's son was taking care of her owner. The son disliked cats and never treated Goldeneyes well. In the end, since the son never fed her or gave her water, she had gotten so weak that she was past the point of saving. She had to be put down. Such a sad way to go. She had ended up in Starclan by some miracle.

Ever since then, she had spent her time keeping tabs on Thunderclan, especially Asterdance. She had been there when they received their warrior name and she had been passing time with her parents when Asterdance had died and she hadn't found out until much later when she had found out from some other Starclan cats. She had been very disappointed with herself then and that was when her mission started to get in contact with her former apprentice.

So that was how she had ended up here, hidden from Asterdance. This was the cat she had told that she would be there for them like a mother and then abandoned them. She took in a deep breath before stepping out from her hiding place and padding slowly towards Asterdance. She stopped a around three tail lengths away from them, her eyes filling with tears. "Hello Asterdance. I'm glad that I've finally managed my mission." She meowed, her voice sounding like always. Velvety and soft. When she spoke again though, her voice cracked. "It's so good to see you Asterdance. You don't know how long I've waited to talk to you again." Tears spilled silently over her eyes as she let out a sob.
@x ghostie

[wolfie]

== > @Fierce Roses

The bobtail is on guard, eyes flickering about with the wariness that they had always carried but it had deepened. Lit anew at every tragic event Asterdance pushed through. Slowly, ever so slowly, they push themself up into a standing position. "Helloo?" They call out, knowing well if someone did answer them well, they wouldn't exactly be aware of that. A sigh escaped from them, and they ducked their head into their paws. Mmmrgh. This. Was. Confusing.

Asterdance lift their head once more, looking off into the distance. They resided in an empty camp resembling Starclan's - a model of their own experiences. The only thing truly missing was ironically, life. None of their ancestors passed through the clearing. They didn't understand? If this was going to be a nightmare, probably shouldn't be taking in a place that uh, Asterdance had liked. Even if it was weird to be surrounded by mostly strangers.

Their answer was given to them soon enough.

Their face fell into an unreadable expression, eyes widening as a familiar figure begun to enter into their view. They stopped a few tails-length away from Asterdance, beginning to speak. "I - I can't, read your lips, from there, silly, " They choked out weakly, voice filled with disbelief. Goldeneyes? No, truly not. Without a second thought, they were already beginning to walk towards their former mentor. Every movement was stiff, rigged, hesitant.

The warrior took in a sharp breath, tilting their head. They had miss what she had said previously but, but. They caught onto her second statement, inferring on what words they didn't catch. A smile begun to spread across their features, "Yeah. Yeah - I - I missed you, I missed you too. So, so much. You even know my name? I didn't.." Asterdance's voice trailed off for a moment, staring at the stars that dappled Goldeneyes' pelt.

"You.. you're really here..." the sudden guilt for holding, what, a .. grudge? something - something ill for feeling as if they had been abandoned. it had been a mystery, and they cursed themself for inhabiting such silly feelings. "What... what happened? Are... you..." Their tongue darted out to wet their lips, suddenly feeling dry.

Tears filled their waterline and Asterdance swiftly darted forward in an attempt to nuzzle their head against Goldeneyes. "I'm sorry, " They mewed weakly, their mentor had been in Starclan all this long?

[~Fierce~]

~Goldeneyes~
Goldeneyes let a sheepish smile appear on her face at Asterdance’s words. She had forgotten that they had to read lips to understand. Her golden gaze followed her former apprentice as they padded closer to her, she started sobbing even more. She hadn’t seen them this close up in moons and she had forgotten all the little details they had in their facial features. They were bigger now but Goldeneyes had always been big fore her breed and age so she was still taller than Asterdance. But she wouldn’t need to crouch down as much to reach them.

She listened to Asterdance’s next words and she let out a chuckle. “Of course I know your name. I’ve been keeping tabs on you for a while.” She meowed, her voice thick with held back tears. She had stopped crying but there were still tears to be shed. She had wanted this to be a happy moment but instead she was bawling her eyes out. She raised a paw to attempt to brush away the tears from her cheek fur, just managing to flatten out her fur. She wasn’t planning to cry more but Asterdance’s sorry sent her through the little control she had and the tears started flowing again. She could blame it on old age but she knew why she couldn’t keep the tears in.

She lowered her head to nuzzle Asterdance. She pulled away so Asterdance could read her lips. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. It’s me who has to say a bunch of sorrys and it still wouldn’t help a bit.” She meowed, her words dripping with guilt but she knew they wouldn’t be able to hear it. “After I was kicked out, I felt that I was done with clan life. I became a kittypet but every single day I thought about you and how I couldn’t even say goodbye. In the end, I died with little pain. I had a life of luxury as a kittypet but that could never have erased the guilt and depression I felt.” She looked up for a moment, attempting to control her voice and tears. She looked back down at Asterdance, her eyes filled with so many mixed emotions. "After I joined Starclan, I always looked at your life and how you were progressing. But when you died, I didn’t know until you had gone back. After that, I made it my mission to talk to you and explain everything." She gave Asterdance a smile. "I’m glad I completed what I wanted."

In her moment of sadness, she had forgotten something she had wanted to give to Asterdance. She held up a paw to signal for them to wait before she padded back to where she had been hiding previously. When she came back, she placed a flower in front of them. "Remember the first time we met? You were looking for flowers and being a little trouble maker. In the end, we collected bunches of flowers and created a bond." She had found the flower in the Thunderclan territory part of Starclan. She lifted the flower and motioned to Asterdance’s ear, just like that time so long ago. "May I?" She meowed, a smile on her face.
(I’m crying, this is so nostalgic)
@x ghostie

[wolfie]

== > @Fierce Roses

The bobtail struggled to grasp the idea of Goldeneyes being by their side all this time. How much had she seen? Surely, they should have felt embarrassment - jeez, all the nights spent... sulking. They could only find comfort in the idea. Even in their darkest times, it was a nice thought to believe their mentor had been there even if Asterdance hadn't seen her. They aren't positive on how to respond, instead it ends with a weak, "Thank you."

Asterdance pressed their muzzle against Goldeneyes' chest, despite being slightly taller, they seemed to only grow more muscular with age. They still comfortably could tuck their head against her chest, taking in the familiar, soothing scent. Afraid that if they didn't savor, let the scent become a liquid, sweet taste on their tongue, it would disperse into thin air along with their mentor. Asterdance was rapidly attempting to blink away their tears without bringing too much attention.

A noise of maybe, yearning for more affection, or simple protest, escaped from the warrior when Goldeneyes pulled away. They looked up, reading her lips but jeez, their vision was getting blurry, and it was getting awfully hard to make much sense. "Noo.. No sorrys, na-da, " Asterdance responded with a childish huff, taking a small step back.

They listened to what Goldeneyes had to say with eagerness, tilting their head drastically to the left. "I'm -- happy. I'm happy you had a peaceful end to your life. I dunno uhm, much about kittypets. The clans don't really seem to like them that much but, between you and me.. I think it's pretty stupid. You, you deserve that luxury, you ar.. were a great warrior, " They mewed softly, attempting to offer their perspective in attempts to lessen the guilt Goldeneyes felt.

"I just... wish you didn't have to deal with the depression and stuff... it sucks. Really sucks, " They sucked in a deep breath, their teeth aching at the sudden rush of cold air. They understood.

Asterdance's gaze drifted towards the ground, and they watch the tears drip down onto the grass. Dripping down a blade of grass, becoming one with this plane of existence. They lift a paw to hastily wipe them away, "Ah, jeez. Look at me, ick, emotions!" They snickered in with a painful lightheartedness. They look up once more, face softening.

"Me too. I'm -.. glad you completed your mission. Glad to see you. Really glad. It's like, you know that scent after it's rain and it's spring and... the sun is barely peeking over the horizon, everything is cold but there's that... scent? It makes everything feel, calm. Silent? That's how I feel. I'm horrible with metaphors and this whole.. expression thing but, really. I'm happy you're okay, " It all comes spilling out with a rush and they seem surprised by themself. Practically gasping for air, Asterdance catches onto a .. signal?

Well dang, forget this sadness thing. They were curious now. They watch Goldeneyes pad away before returning with... "A flower, " Their eyes gleam with reminisce. A goofy, side smile catches onto their lips. "Yeah, of course I remember. It was my greatest escape ever. 'Tis how I made friends, woonderful tactic, by the way, " Asterdance boasted with pride, watching Goldeneyes lift the flower and motion to their ear.

A beaming grin blooms, jerking their head up and down ecstatically, "You may!" They ducked their head slightly, leaning in to allow Goldeneyes easy access.