crumbling. [private]

[taillow]

Fawnpaw
Numbness. That's what had settled into her paws as she finally collapsed into her nest near the back of the medicine den. No more tears fell from her eyes, no more aches battered her heart. Fawnpaw felt as though what little hope of her new path she had retained after Skystar's death had been snuffed out. Risingpaw. Pounceleap. Flowernose. Weedkit. Four cats had died since she had been named the Clan's medicine cat. Four, in less than half a moon. She wanted to scream, but even her throat was cracked and dry, unable to utter even a pitiful whimper.

Hunger gnawed at her belly and it was then that Fawnpaw realized she hadn't eaten anything all day. The fresh-kill pile was right outside, only a few paw steps away, but traveling to grab something felt as though it would be a journey all the way to the Starcave and back. With her head on her paws, the young medicine cat stared blankly ahead at a wall. No cats were in her den at the moment. No paws outside signaling that any cat was coming to check on her. Not that she wanted them to, but stars. She just wanted some cat to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay.

Maybe it was too much to wish for. A dream never to be realized. And deep down, Fawnpaw knew she had cats that cared about her. Uncle Wormbite, Aunt Bluebellcrackle, Pikestar, her dad... But still, tucked away at the back of the den, she felt... broken.

Sleep had not come easily to the young cat the past few nights, but now as Fawnpaw closed her eyes she felt herself become whisked away into the dark, empty bliss of rest.

♥

Soon enough Fawnpaw awoke to see herself in a much different setting than in the RiverClan medicine den. Stars glittered in the swatch of a purple-blue pastel sky and melodic birdsong filled the air. All around her were dazzling colors and light-refracting crystalline surfaces, almost as if she were standing in the sky itself. No one else appeared to be around as she turned this way and that, observing the area with round eyes.

Was this StarClan?

[ @lumina ]

[Doom]

⋆ ☆ CHESTNUTFALL | HE/HIM ☆ ⋆
⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

“Hello again, Fawnpaw.”

A familiar tabby-splotched figure emerged from the stars. He wore a warm smile as he approached the young medicine cat, hoping she’d recognize him from the lives ceremony. The small warrior took a seat in front of her, then spoke once again in his rich, soothing voice. “I see you’ve been troubled lately. Would you mind if I offered you some company, my dear?”

With all the sudden deaths, he knew it had to be a rough start for both Pikestar and Fawnpaw. Chestnutfall was all too familiar with loss and death, and frankly, he had become numb to it by the time he turned 20 moons. It’s a path he wished for no one to go down — especially not a cat of Fawnpaw’s age and occupation. StarClan used to be so paws-off with the living, but Chestnutfall didn’t want to sit back and watch anymore. RiverClan deserved peace and harmony, and a good medicine cat, but he knew she wouldn’t make it very far if no one helped her. He knew how uneasy it was to handle things on your own, and he remembered constantly wishing for someone to be there for him when he needed it most. The tom may be dead now, but by Stars, that's not going to stop him from caring for his Clan. If Fawnpaw could only seek help in her dreams right now, then he will be there for her as often as he could. He's no medicine cat, but he is RiverClan, and that should alone be enough.


// @birdie \\

[taillow]

Fawnpaw
All was still, even the air around her, until a familiar figure made himself known as he seemingly stepped out of the stairs and sat down near her. She recognized the small warrior as Chestnutfall, one of the cats who had given Pikestar a life. She smiled faintly, taking a seat herself. As much as she simply wanted to burst into tears and demand that StarClan choose someone else, Fawnpaw refused to burden any other cat with her sob story. After all, she was suppose to be strong, right?

But as the starry furred ancestor continued, the smile on her face slowly fell, until her eyes glistened with tears and she sniffed in a last-ditch attempt to keep them at bay. "That's... I would like that," she finally managed to get out in a voice no louder than a soft murmur. She was afraid if she spoke any louder that it would all come crumbling down.

"...Is this StarClan?" An obvious answer, but Fawnpaw wanted to hear it for some reason. Ever since her trip to the Starcave, she had felt comforted by the knowledge that Clanmates who had passed were watching from above. Was Risingpaw here? Pounceleap? Flowernose? Little Weedkit? Her heart leapt with the hope that they were all safe and happy (and didn't blame Fawnpaw too much for being unable to save any of them).

[ @lumina ]

[Doom]

⋆ ☆ CHESTNUTFALL | HE/HIM ☆ ⋆
⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

Chestnutfall chuckled lightly. “Yes, it is. As a medicine cat, visiting StarClan in your dreams might become a regular thing for you. So you might want to get used to this.”

Her built-up tears were impossible to hide among the glittering terrain, and the warrior was quick to notice it. Chestnutfall wasn’t here to beat around the bush — he did enough of that when he was alive, and it got him nowhere. Her question was nothing short to small-talk, and he had no patience for that anymore either. He knew she needed to let all this emotion out now, and if she didn’t, it could cause some terrible damage to her psyche.

The starry warrior softened his green gaze before he spoke, hoping she’d take that as a sign that it was okay to soften up around him as well. “I know you don’t know me, and you were probably hoping for someone else, but…I want you to know that no matter who it is, StarClan is always here for you. You are never alone.” He let his words settle in her mind before continuing, “You deserve help and a shoulder to lean on. It's okay to ask for help, too, so please don’t bottle all of this up. Dealing with death and loss is never easy for anyone...trust me, I know. You heard my life’s story when I gave Pikestar his first life, and although I was speaking directly to him, I was hoping you took my mistakes to heart as well.” His tone, although serious, was gentle and light with emotion. He didn't want to come across as if he was lecturing her. All of this was just what he would've said to the younger version of himself, and what his younger self would've liked to hear when he was in a similar position to her.


// @birdie \\

[taillow]

Fawnpaw
Visiting StarClan would become regular? The mere thought of that made her heart flutter with anticipation, though it was quickly spoiled by how her time as the Clan's medicine cat had been going. It seemed Chestnutfall was already aware of the heaviness that laid claim to her heart as his gaze softened. Something about it made Fawnpaw feel safe, like she could talk about anything - it was how Pikestar often made her feel. Blue eyes became searching of the green eyes of Chestnutfall and finally, a shuddering sigh left her.

"I feel broken." Well, that was one way to start. Just as soon as she had spoken, the tears began to fall again and Fawnpaw diverted her gaze to the ground. "I mean... I don't feel like I can carry everything I need to. With so many cats dying... Is this a punishment from StarClan?" Stars, Fawnpaw felt terrible for asking and it showed in her eyes as she finally looked up at Chestnutfall. "I'm sorry, I know it's not. I just... I can't help but think this is somehow all my fault." Towards the end her voice cracked a little and she swooped her gaze back down to her paws.

It was hard to convey exactly what it was, but that didn't stop the words from continuing to tumble out. "I'm afraid of letting cats down. I've... there have been so many deaths. So many cats look to me for guidance and most of the time I'm not even sure what to tell them. And I don't know what I can do or say to make any of it better." It felt pathetic, honestly. Sitting her, essentially complaining about a role that she, despite everything, was still grateful to be entrusted with.

Finally looking back up towards Chestnutfall, the first few tears began to fall. "I had a kit come into my den - Heronkit. She was... shaking violently, and she wouldn't wake up a first, and instead of rushing over to her... I froze. I felt this weird numbness in my paws, and it felt like some sort of invisible force was holding me back. Like I couldn't... get to her." It was hard to admit that, and Fawnpaw swallowed as a wave of guilt washed over her. "A medicine cat isn't suppose to feel that way. They're suppose to be able to press down all of the grief and strife and heartache and help heal their Clanmates... but it hurts, Mr. Chestnutfall. It... it hurts."

[ @lumina ]

[Doom]

⋆ ☆ CHESTNUTFALL | HE/HIM ☆ ⋆
⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

As the tears fell, the small starry warrior stood and repositioned himself to sit beside her, curling his thin tail around her. He didn’t touch her, but his body language was open in case she chose to lean on him. If not, then she still had his full and undivided attention.

Hearing her admit she felt broken tugged at his heartstrings. Chestnutfall was used to hearing the living cats blame bad things on StarClan’s will — hell, even he was guilty of it. It was the easiest way to cope with hardship, but…it’s also such a negative outlook on the situation. Of course, Fawnpaw didn’t have the high ground to realize that like he did. The poor molly was given a position to be everyone’s reliability, but wasn’t gifted with a reliability of her own. His claws itched at that thought, but Chestnutfall knew there was no point in getting angry at Dustymoth’s prophecy. She knew better than him to choose only one medicine cat; and although he couldn’t understand why, he had no power to argue with her. Fate was an ugly thing sometimes. He hated that.

When Fawnpaw went on about the incident with Heronkit, Chestnutfall’s anger was quickly replaced with heartache. Kits were his weak spot — he saw them as the Clan’s future and pride. Knowing she had to deal with the inevitable death of a kit was absolutely gut-wrenching to him. His own eyes glittered with tears now as she went on, stating a medicine cat was supposed to be everything she wasn’t, and he couldn’t stop himself from speaking up at that. “Fawnpaw, you are only 8 moons old. You are not expected to have the same composure or talent as an experienced medicine cat; and those who do expect that need to get off their highrock and realize you are a cat, not just a servant.” His own green eyes glittered down at her broken blue gaze now, unable to hold back his growing emotion. “A medicine cat’s duty is not to swallow grief and pretend things don’t hurt. Medicine cats are the heart of the Clan. Your job is to be the most in tune with the physical and mental health of your Clanmates, and to adjust to their needs accordingly. What you are feeling right now is completely valid and normal. You are exactly what RiverClan needs right now, and we are so lucky to have you as our medicine cat.” Chestnutfall smiled at her, unphased when a stray tear slipped down his cheek. “I see that you are trying your hardest, and I admire you so much for that.”

Chestnutfall broke eye contact when more tears finally fell. “Sorry. It just breaks my heart to hear such a young cat be so hard on themself. It’s exactly how I used to be. I know it hurts, but...at least we are not alone in this pain.” He took a deep breath to recollect himself, then exhaled in a long, slow fashion. The stars continued to glitter around them, maybe even brighter than when they first arrived, and Chestnutfall took that as a good sign. Remembering one more thing Fawnpaw said, he looked back at her with clearer green pools. “None of this is your fault, by the way. You didn't plan any of these deaths. I would not be here to comfort you if that was the case.”

// @birdie \\